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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
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bags of skin
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i went looking a for a hand bag the other day... it got me thinking.
you know it's not that i don't like fashion. believe me, ask my mom, i spent an ungodly amount of money on clothes and shoes (god my obsession with shoes was insane) and tons of fashion magazines. i was for a very brief time going to become a model for John Casablancas.
but thing of it is, i was always picked on as a child for how i looked.
i was tall, i was smart, i was really white, i had buck tooth, i had braces, i had acne, i was weird, i was a freak, i was taunted and teased. i had a very unhappy childhood. i couldn't understand how suddenly i was model material. to this day i do not think i am anything attractive. never will.
not to say i don't think i clean up well. believe me i know i do. i've spent years doing the hair, the make up, the tanning, the facials, the grooming... i know the ins and outs. but for what? it did make me feel better in a very shallow sense. it's nice to be attractive. almost anywhere i would go, some man or two would hit on me. Trace can attest to the fact that one night, a man came up to me while at Starbucks having late night caffeine, and gave me a rose just for being beautiful, he didn't stick around just gave me a rose and left. so it's not like i don't know how to work it. it's not like i haven't been asked out by a lot of men in my life. so in that respect, i know i'm capable of being attractive.
i'm also very very nice. which often seems to attract a lot of different people to me. i don't see people for their outer shells.
you see, you can wear the most expensive clothing going, but if you are shallow and empty inside, the clothing won't do you any good. like my favorite line in a cheesy sci-fi movie "that's like putting perfume on a pig". bad personalities shine through the glitz of glamour. sure there are some stunningly attractive men and women in this world. they look good in posters selling cars, and tampons but it doesn't mean they are perfect human beings just because they look perfect.
in a world on the brink of destroying itself through hate and power hunger, while men and women and children die in other countries over our differences, when people in your own back yard are living in the streets and wondering if they can get enough to eat, how can i justify buying an expensive hand bag. how could i sleep well purchasing some tiny piece of fabric that only costs what it does because someone put a label on it.
i watched a National Geographic program on the weekend about skin. it was very intriguing. not only did it discuss the functions of our largest organ, it also touched on how, sadly, people judge other people purely based on skin color. it also followed photographer Spencer Tunick as he asked people to pose for his pictures, nude. at one point someone commented that they wished everyone could be nude, that it would remove so many social barriers if we couldn't dress up and cover ourselves. how true. how very true.
PS [8:36PM]: i signed up for a picture if Spencer Tunick ever comes to Vancouver. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
7:47 PM
6 comments
 
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Barbara,
Your blog sounds as if you might appreciate Spencer's work. We have an unoffical site, www.thespencertunickforum.org for those of us who have posed, who want to or who just like Spencer's art. We have news photos, some of Spencer's art, accounts of past and recent installations, and info on when the next ones we know about are.
My wife and i have posed 3 times in the USA and I posed in Lyon, France last year. For an account of France see my Blogger blog for April- or find it posted on our group. No porn, and no spam!
Roger
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Roger, Thank you, I do appreciate his work. I think it is amazing when people can unite in such harmony.
I used the link you provided but it did not work :(
I googled the forum and believe you have accidentally added "the" to the URL and that the correct location is here: http://www.spencertunickforum.org/ and I will check it out more closely when I have time.
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Hi B,
As this is now a good deal later, I know you did sign up, and you are right I put in "the" by accident.
You might want to post your "Unity Project" in our "Off Topic" As you may have seen we have a lot of creative people, many who are active in efforts other than taking part in art. Some are photographers, journalists, students of art, etc. Might add a few creative places. My wife Betys is a member of Unity Church btw,
http://www.unitygreatercleveland.com/
And soon we will get a picture together to post.
Nice to be in the same world with you,
Roger
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PS Love Puss pus,
She reminds me of my black kitty Thorissa.
Roger
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Roger, that's fantastic, added you to Flickr as well. It is nice to be in the world with you too. :)
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thought you might want to sign the unity pact
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/establish-international-world-unity-day/signatures.html
all is one and one is all
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006
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Why BBD is the greatest
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in the course of my years online i've been pretty lucky to meet some amazing people. and today Barry once again charmed me by giving me a Flickr Pro account.
damn, how can i be blue about you when life surrounds me with people like Barry.
how indeed.
and i keep meeting the nicest people:
5:04:34 PM unityproject@gmail.com: i need to go with someone who loves sushi
5:04:35 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: hahaha seems to be the way it goes
5:04:48 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: ooo! ooo! ooo!!!
5:04:52 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: *raises hand*
5:07:22 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: i need to find some decent sushi places here
5:07:28 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: im going through withdrawls
5:09:11 PM unityproject@gmail.com: well when you get back to bc you have to take me for sushi
5:09:19 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: schweet
5:09:26 PM unityproject@gmail.com: i'll hold you to it
5:09:37 PM deadblastpoet@hotmail.com: oh i have no doubt i'll make good on sushi lol
a little Al Green and some Aerius and i'm feeling better.
and i fake n baked today. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
5:05 PM
8 comments
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b loves blove...it's always nice to share...to transubstantiate some things one to another in order to share the cost and share the love and share the burden...
...the path is often hard enough, and when you can look sideways and see a friend walking with you, who wants to be with you, listening and talking, what's better than that?
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if only more men were like you barry.
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Hey i'm down for some Sushi. know of some great places in town.
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well then Rich maybe you'll have to introduce me to some sushi sometime.
i know, born here and never had sushi, i am a freak.
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< sorry, don't do sushi, except under some extraordinary circumstances...why eat bait? i prefer my food non tartare
extraordinary circumstance: E and I were having dinner at a japanese restaurant near san diego with a dear friend. she and E were sharing a plateful of various disgusting looking sushi thingys and the friend said, "Barry, if you eat this octopussy thing with the sucker on it, i'll write you a letter a month for a year."
i ate it, but i wasn't too happy about it, envisioning the sucker getting stuck on some internal appendage necessitating a suckerectomy of some sort. but i did get 12 letters, so it was a good deal.
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barry, i love your stories. send me your mailing address, i'll send you a letter a month. the mail box is literally at the end of my driveway so there is no excuse for not mailing letters... doh...
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deal!
send me a letter at
3163 Citation Drive
Dallas, TX 75229
thanks! xoxo
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whoa, you sure you want your address on the net?
i love you. i will send you a letter shortly. i will have to visit the post office for stamps to the USA.
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bloody awful poetry
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frankly mr shankly i'm a sickening wreck i've got the 21st century breathing down my neck oh, I didn't realise that you wrote poetry i didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry, mr. shankly
terrible fridge poems and god awful songs seem to sum me up these days.
all this white fluff pollen shit is floating everywhere and i'm sick from it, and i can't swallow without such pain and last light i felt like i had the flu and all night sweats. i woke up at 5 am and laid in bed wishing for something that 5 am wishers usually wish for and yet i know, i know it's all for nothing. i feel like a truck ran me over. my muscles ache. my head aches. and nothing out there looks appealing today. damn it, it is true, the things i love are trying to kill me, kill me by driving me insane. it's okay. it's okay. something somehow will give way. eventually i'll stop thinking. eventually it will pass. eventually. i just have to keep pushing myself toward 2007. this year has been one hell of a ride, more so than i ever planned for. i'm just white knuckled and hanging on.Labels: wiredsecret |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:12 PM
2 comments
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that sucks. at least you have hot tubbage to relax in.
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except that is where all the white fluff is, outside, in the air. every time i go out there i'm like gag gag gag. oh my mother earth why do you taunt me so?
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Lips of Unity
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This is me, in my bathroom, doing a little Unity idea I thought up. Artsy black and white brings out the lips (and my freckles).
I've had Sake and I feel fine.Labels: unity project |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
3:45 PM
4 comments
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haha at first i thought that was a tattoo and i was all "OOOWWWW!!!"
leave that on all day?
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no, it just came to me as an idea and i did it. spur of the moment. i actually wanted to take the camera to the restaurant and forget it.
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Thought you might like this B.
"He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye."
Buddha
Your Trans-Atlantic friend....
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i love Buddha
i think it is this principle that continually forces me to forgive those that do harm to me. for i am fatally just as flawed and it is only through love that i can achieve harmony within myself.
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Saturday, May 27, 2006
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buzzed
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i need to get my hair cut. short hair requires such work. i've never been ultra girly in that respect. i'm not into shopping and having all the latest fashion for the sake of it. i rather think it's lame. i'm much more comfortable in a pair of jeans, a tee and sneakers. like last night, i wore my Airwalks to go dancing to Trance. that's how i roll.
thinking of tattoos. as you know i have that heart one (over my heart) which i have needed to fix for some time. i thought of filling it in all black, as you know i have nothing but a black heart. i am after all, evil. evil love. love's greatest disguise. in the name of peace... the devil shall reign... secrets slip. my black black heart.
so anyway, i thought of putting another shape around the black heart. and awhile ago (months) i thought oh a bat would be perfect, as you know it would match the bats tattooed on my ankles. but then in March that Fall Out Boy guy and his penis came along, after seeing pictures of Pete's penis with that bat logo on his belly i realized no way i can do the design i have thought of doing. not that penis pictures don't rule. like i said, i adore a man willing to show the world his willy. but i don't necessary want anyone to think i am into this band. so now what?
what would go around my black heart?Labels: tattoo |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 PM
2 comments
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an outer coating of candy that always hides the black heart...so...like...intertwined licorice.
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interesting.
i thought barbed wire would be to rocker for me. and flowers too hippie. i really wanted that bat - damn it.
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butter
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some more cleverness from Pat for The Unity Project. i have people all over planning pictures. as i keep telling everyone this is a life long project for me. believe me you have no idea the plans i have for this. so take as long as you need to do a photo or photos, and just add them to the Flickr gallery or email them to me. and i love you.
ugh i am staying home tonight, doing that oh so womanly thing, facials and grooming... it takes a lot of work being a woman.
i'm listening to Chevelle - Send The Pain Below... i love this guitar.
i like so many types of music i think people sometimes don't know what to make of me. but thing is since i can remember music has been in my soul. it is such an expression. such hidden messages. and i love every thump, every grind.
another reason i'm staying is my legs are like butter. i am getting old. haha!
now Beautiful by Christina Aguilera is on, i like it, her voice is beautiful on this one.
last night i was like, i should have ear plugs with me. signs i am old. not that shaking my booty wasn't fun, it was but i suppose there is a part of me that sees it as something for the young. standing out back to get fresh air, listening in to the conversations and i was amused. i like to watch people. i'm a people watcher.
i soaked in the hot tub with kiddo earlier. glad i did, as it's now pouring rain out.
now for a little Chemical Brothers... Chico's Groove is one of my favorite songs going. i could drift to this forever.
the summer of B baby... |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:49 PM
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bedlam
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no reading before bed last night...
well *groan* my legs are stiff.
i haven't danced like that in a loooooooooong time.
i wanna say Jolayne is still the coolest sexy chick i know. seriously i love her. it was a blast to get out and feel free. we went to Organix. trippy hippie things on the wall. i could imagine Jolayne being a vital part of the Summer of B. :)
i forgot how dead the world is on the road at 4 am. saw two car accidents on the highway on the way. gladly they don't pull feelings from me like they used to...
and in case you don't read my comments, The Summer of George... the episode ends with George falling due to invitations... Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.
oh thank goodness for hot tubs. i'll be soaking my aching ankles.
and yes, you can chat with me. i'm actually what they call too friendly.Labels: ankle |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:20 PM
4 comments
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Organix have been puting on some great nights in Van for a while now.
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It was fun. I miss the days of raves and glowy things.
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hahaha music for ages 19 to 70.
how do you chat in a hottub? youd think it might short out a keyboard...
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well clearly i can't chat while in the hot tub, although... one could i suppose if they had a laptop and wifi.
:)
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Friday, May 26, 2006
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bupkiss
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i used the word bupkiss today.
i like that word, it feels fun on the tongue.
i've been having fun with out you.
oh me. oh my. someone carved FBI...
i'm gonna go shake my booty tonight.
since you aren't around to have fun with.
i will have fun with someone else.
certainly your loss, not mine.
this is like my Summer of George (Seinfeld for those not cool enough to know)
but it's my Summer of B |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
5:55 PM
4 comments
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yay - you deserve it hun. have lots and lots of fun +o)
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botty also starts with B. it's like karma or something you know.
was The Summer of George the summer where he discovered that swimming pools have cold water?
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or booty...take your pick i guess...lol
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bad starts with B too...
http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheSummerofGeorge.htm
George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months.
George: I'm really going to do something with these three months.
Jerry: Like what?
George: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.
Jerry: I've always wanted to do that...
George: I'm gonna play frolf.
Jerry: You mean golf?
George: Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer
of George!
[ A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside]
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my face
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haha, first - some times the things people search for and end up here, well it's humorous and sometimes sick. and it washes off me like yesterday, like last hour. ya, i guess when you type whore in your blog you got to expect it. you should have seen the hits i had from the word nude. now i have nude and whore (and penis) in this post... oh my.
in the last 7 years i have had sex with 2 men. two. wooooo hoooo what a big time whore am i.
ah yes, search that - you whore.
i was reminded today of this web site http://www.myheritage.com/
so for the fun of it i uploaded that crappy picture of me to see who it said i look like:
67% Charlize Theron - ya maybe in that Monster movie ;) kidding, she's sexy to me.
63% Holly Hunter - weird one to me, must be our big foreheads - i love her, her in Piano is still one of my favorite movies. i mean come on who doesn't love Harvey Kietel, he showed us his penis, that wins all the awards in my books. gotta love a man who can show the world his penis.
61% Holly Marie Combs - i didn't recognize her at first in the image the program used... then i realized she's one of those witches. and since i have often been accused of being a witch it must be true. i mean come on, i've put a witchy spell on you.
61% Melanie Griffith - oh my Mel... at least she can say she had the shlong Don Johnson, and now Antonio Banderas. I mean Madonna gushed about how much she wanted him in that movie of hers and Mel got him. So go Mel, you crazy ass bitch. we crazy ass bitches rule. not to mention she stars in one of my favorite over quoted movies of all time, Working Girl, "Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will.
61% Rachel Hunter - holy hot bitch from hell. i am honored to be consider 60% like her. ha. now if only FUJI would call me to tell me my camera is back... i suppose they sent it by dog sled across the country... because i may not have her figure but i do look damn fine in a bikini and want to do these Unity Project pics for you all... now that i've nearly stopped peeling.
60% Nicole Kidman - ah yes, soul sister, she left that crazy man, i left a crazy man. i think the best comment from her about her break up with Tom, "Now I can wear heels." - Brilliant. now she's into a country man. sweet. real men can wear cowboy hats and look good. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:50 PM
5 comments
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you know, if you try and get all the picture together and try and photoshop it together, it could come out as you!
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ya in freak way maybe... haha like one of those images from Conan O'Brien's "If they made it" things.
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im kind of surprised that picture didnt make Winona Ryder show up. or like a mix of Theron and Ryder. thatd be neato.
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I don't think I've ever seen Keith Urban wear a cowboy hat, but damn do I ever envy her for being able to do him! ,o)
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Pat, since the days of Beetlejuice i've had people come up to me and tell me i look like Winona Ryder. the women in my mom's office were like, your daughter looks just like that Lydia girl in Beetlejuice. I was like, whatever, because I was all dark and wore black clothes. But eventually it was to a point where some girls came up to my car at a stop light to ask me if I was her! I was like, I don't even look like her. I don't get it that much anymore thankfully. But thank you for the compliment.
T - honestly i don't even know who Keith Urban is, or if he wears cowboy hats, i just saw country and thought cowboy. ahaha.
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Another 100 Things
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1. yes, i am single
2. the longest relationship i have been in was from july 1999 - mar 2006
3. i ended it, i end everything, i am an ender
4. i've been proposed to 6 times in my life
5. i smoked my first cigarette at the age of 10
6. i got my first period at age 11
7. i have had many pets, dogs, cats, birds, fish, gerbils, a hamster, and a rat
8. i've owned 4 cars in my life (2009 - Now on to # 5)
9. i was on a strata council for a few years, would never do that again
10. i belonged to a creative writing group for a few years, would love to do that again
11. the best concert i've ever been to was Depeche Mode 1988
12. the last concert i've been to was Mark Gardner (of Ride) in December 2005 [2009- Last concert was Sarah Brightman]
13. i once passed out drunk around a toilet at a club, i was 15
14. and i vomited out the car window on the way home (i love you mom)
15. i missed a lot of school, but convinced teachers to let me make up the work, i always passed with flying colors
16. i took home schooling for a year, then a year off, and then finished with correspondence
17. i was accepted to SFU (was going to do Forensic Entomology) but decided not to go
18. i was the only girl in high school that my friends knew that owned "The Wall" and played it with regularity
19. i have an IQ of 137-147 depending which test you use... i don't believe those tests.
20. one day i plan to be a Big Sister, but i'm too lazy to go get the paperwork done
21. i have never had anything other than my ears pierced
22. i have never gone skinny dipping
23. i have however attended a BPSC event nearly naked
24. i know the exact amount of people i have had sex with and no i am not telling you
25. i love a man in uniform, particularly white gloves
26. i own the vinyl version of ELO's Time, it was a my childhood anthem
27. coming in close second, for childhood anthems, would be XTC's Drums and Wires album
28. i have never done karaoke
29. i play SimCity4, almost all the cities are named after my cats
30. i have never had dance lessons
31. airplanes scare me, but i've always wanted to learn how to fly
32. i've gone river rafting once, but it was kinda easy, you just sat there mostly... no paddling... next time i want paddling
33. i am 33 (in 2009 I will 36)
34. my lucky numbers are 13, 7 and 3
35. my favorite teas are black, English Breakfast is tops
36. i prefer coke to pepsi
37. i prefer sprite to 7UP
38. but i love rootbeer
39. i can bake a wicked cinnamon roll
40. i have lots of moles on my skin
41. my father's family tree comes from Poland
42. my mother was adopted, but her birth parents were English
43. one day it would cool to travel to Poland and see the place my family are from, and all the horrific reasons for why i don't know where any of them are.
44. i have read National Geographic since i was a kid and my father gave us a subscription
45. i think National Geographic spawned my love of photography and nature
46. i like to color outside the lines
47. i don't like nail polish, i started wearing it again last month and realized why i stopped in the first place
48. i do however like facials
49. i still get acne, it's genetic, it's annoying, but i don't have wrinkles and don't look my age
50. i can only type 50 wpm when i really get going
51. i worked for an environmental company for a year, on the river and that was nice
52. i like looking at open houses - just for the looking, it's neat to peek in people's lives like that, i get that from my grandmother, she used to take us
53. i love christmas, but not without snow, without snow it just isn't the same
54. i don't snow ski or snow board, i never enjoyed the idea of sliding downhill out of control (then again i honestly never tried it)
55. i don't water ski either, i can but i never got the thrill of it (this is did try and drinking lake water was not fun)
56. but i loved driving the speed boat, i'd race speed boats too
57. i can calculate your natal chart, i own an ephemeris, but who cares
58. i've been told i am a psychic healer by people at ESP fairs, and asked to join a training group, i never did (haha)
59. supposedly i am a very old soul, been here many thousands of years. no wonder i'm tired!
60. my father will be turning 60 next year, he's been retired 4 years, but he'll always be an engineer
61. he taught me how to take things apart to figure out how they work, gave me a love of structures
62. my mom painted when i was a child, she gave me a love of art
63. she owns a few Dali works, one day i want to own a real Picasso
64. sometimes i repeat myself, please forgive me when i have a lapse in my otherwise good memory
65. i've been a movie/TV extra once when i was a kid
66. my brother was once too, on 21 Jump Street
67. i have long nails, always have, in high school my friends called me Claws
68. they are great for giving "tickles"
69. my brother was born in 69, four years and two weeks difference between us, both of us are Pisces
70. i once owned 70 pairs of shoes, now not so much, i'm much more practical with shoes, most of mine now are sneakers
71. i used to exercise regularly and now i'm back at it, daily work outs (2009 I'm lazy but plan to do this again)
72. in high school i was anorexic - i never really ate
73. the most i've weighed is 160... today i weigh 133 (2009 Today I weigh 142)
74. i'm just under 5'8 - which is why i usually prefer a tall man, so i can occasionally wear heels (but truly i don't really very often so whatever)
75. i took model lessons when i was 16... i found out my teeth aren't straight enough, and my ears aren't level.
76. i have NEVER felt beautiful. i'm one of those women that don't see themselves as such.
77. inner beauty i got tons of, i am love after all, but outer shells are just that, shells
78. i have dressed up on halloween as a cat far too many times... i need a cool idea for this year
79. sadly i am not going to Vegas in August for the Star Trek convention, no one to go with me... vacations should not be gone on alone... thus dressing up as a sexy alien will have to wait.
80. i've met a lot of people online first and eventually in person, most have been amazing people who i can call my friends...
81. if i ever have a son his name will be Maximilian Sebastian, or Sebastian Maximilian
82. if i ever have a daughter her name will be Samantha Livia
83. i have never tried sushi [edit Sept 2006: i have now had sushi twice!]
84. i used to lie and say i was allergic to fish so people wouldn't make me eat it, i don't mind it now (nor do i lie)
85. i used to watch Good Rockin Tonight with Terry David Mulligan, i won a lot of prizes on that show
86. then we got Much Music, and a VCR to record with... Thriller changed everything
87. i miss pumpkin carving with my mom, she always did the coolest one
88. i like all vampire movies, so what if it's a chick thing
89. i am the worst poker player (because i can't lie)
90. i don't like to gamble
91. i am in love, but i'll get over it, fate says it wasn't meant to be [Edit Aug 2006 i'm over it]
92. barry and eve celebrated 25 years of marriage yesterday, they inspire me with their love
93. i am in love with my cat bear, he's the man of my dreams in cat form
94. i can eat a whole box of Ritz crackers, but i don't, but i could
95. my ankle clicks when i walk, they want to put more screws in me
96. i have big scars and people stare - people can be so human
97. i've designed my future arm tattoos... one day i'll get them done
98. i read with my niece each night before bed, last night she read the entire Green Eggs and Ham ! (2009 I miss this)
99. tonight she rides the next bike up, it has gears, she's the greatest bike rider ever (2009 I miss this)
100. i was wrong, writing another 100 things was actually kind of hard, but at least i can admit it when i am wrong, and prove to myself i can do it anyway.Labels: Star Trek |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:00 PM
3 comments
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i loved reading this b...just like knowing more stuff about you...gives us more connections...if i have the courage and energy, i should do 100 things...
i did do an extended about me on my blog at the request of dear friend liam, the "old git" link in my blog role...
http://aeoliandissonance.com/bbdblog/about-v-2/
but it's not as interesting or as fun as your 100 list, which is like poetry, condensing into mouthfuls of melting brain chocolate
xoxo
b
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never had sushi? that's craaaazy! that one should change to "i had sushi and now im in love with it because it's awesome."
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Barry darling you are divine... i even included you in this list that's how special you are.
Pat, you will have to take me for sushi. Then I can do another 100 list and say Pat took me for sushi.
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B + E = 25
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Yesterday was their anniversary.
After 25 years of marriage these two smoochies have the greatest love affair going on.
Their love is an inspiration to me. It should be to you too.
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pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:38 AM
4 comments
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b, you are so loving and supportive...i feel so privileged to count you as a friend and soulmate
you deserve every good thing...have i told you that?
xoxo
love to you
b
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what do you think are their secrets for being together 25 years and still having a love affair? I want to know...
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smoochies to you
i know, you've told me, in fact everyone tells me i deserve something great... so i say... where the heck is this "something great" this "something better" this "wonderful fate"
i lack patience i suppose. time is a mother of a thing to me. time.
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J - i think their secret is carrots. i don't know, whatever it is, they should package it and sell it. smoochies to you.
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006
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Unity Music
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I'd like to thank Rich Watt for sending me this photo of his new deck:
All photos that go on the Unity Project blog must have a person in them. Them the rules. So yes, that means all the photos I will be doing for the project will include me or someone...
My muscles are a little sore. I used the Bowflex today. Toning. I weighed myself and I'm 133. So I'm doing good. Short bike ride in the spittle rain. Ah rain. Hoping it is clear on Friday for Sports Day.
The roses are blooming, they are the palest pink. SO BEAUTIFUL. And there is endless bunnies around here. I still can't get over the quiet of the neighbourhood. Last night I was on the porch, and bro came out and didn't see me in the dark, haha. Oooops, I didn't mean to scare ya. But, Oh the stars just look so amazing out here. Ursa Major (The Great Bear) and Minor go by each night. I should have been an astronomer, locked away in a telescope tower forever with the stars and galaxies, I imagine I could be happy.Labels: unity project |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:00 PM
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buddha belly
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i saw this quiz on Jolayne's myspace and had to give it a go. before i even started i thought, i know what religion suits me most and which one i feel a deep kinship to. Buddhism. the number one place on earth if i could travel to would be Tibet. i have a high amount of respect for and consider His Holiness The Dalai Lama my "hero" on my profile on myspace. so the results here don't surprise me that much. if i were to join a religion this would be it but i am god (with a little g not a big G) and only His Holiness The Dalai Lama himself could convince me to not be my own faith.
 | You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.
In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.
Buddhism | | 92% | Hinduism | | 75% | Paganism | | 63% | Islam | | 58% | Christianity | | 58% | Judaism | | 42% | Satanism | | 42% | agnosticism | | 33% | atheism | | 33% |
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
1:00 PM
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Monday, May 22, 2006
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SWF
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ah yes, i am single guys. i know you all probably got that drift from reading this blog but there, to answer your question - yes i am single now.
i'm not looking to get into another relationship any time soon either.
sorry. nothing personal.
just think i need some me time.
time. and more time.
my heart is a fragile thing.
this of course does not mean i am not willing to get to know you, or go for dinner or to a movie or a walk on the beach or *insert item here*.
but after almost 7 years in that relationship (no we were NEVER married) i need a break.
why i left? ummm...
of course he only counted from 2000 because you know, i am a whore and was with that "loser" until then (he liked to refer to him as "loser", i suppose because he was the winner? i don't know.). but the thing of it is, after 7 years he never let go of the whole thing, and to him i was always the whore. truth be told, i can look back at that day in May 2000 and know i made a stupid choice to save him. like i thought i could be the one to make it all better. like i could give up everything i was, everything i had achieved, just so he could be whole. in the end i totally lost myself. isolationism makes it all seem normal, even if you think to yourself "this isn't normal".
he said he loved me, but i think he just needed me and i needed him to need me. co-dependent. i loved "loser" before he came along and maybe i am a fool for that too, probably, most certainly. again, that was a long time ago. even though it feels like just last week. "loser" never loved me either. and somedays i think, if only i'd stuck to my guns that May 2000 and left them both behind... but shoulda coulda woulda's mean nothing. Y2K is still fucking with my mental computer. that was one hell of a year.
April 2000 - Another image of me I don't mind.
Originally uploaded by unity.project.
and if he reads this, which occasionally he does. i'm sure he'll be pissed about this post, but you know what... i really just don't fucking care.
last week i was discussing the quirks of men with my brother. why men go all silent and avoid you after a date. he gave me some valid reasons to consider. the whole i don't want to get attached or feel weak thing makes sense. he said he'd gone out with a bunch of women who were near perfect but never called after because he didn't want to get too close, even if it was totally expressed that they wouldn't get serious, he avoided them just in case. and by the time he thought it was okay to call he figured for her it wasn't okay. these are the games i SO want to avoid.
i'm a very honest person. i lay out my situation. these are the terms and this is the way i am. deal with it or don't that's up to you. i don't ever want to play games.
so there you go guys. now you know.
in closing, i want to say that Stuart is the greatest gentleman i have ever met. even back in 93 when we hung out all the time and people would ask me if i was his girlfriend, he never once did or said one thing to cross the line. and on saturday he was a perfect gentleman. although i hope he wasn't uncomfortable, because he kept saying his apartment would fit inside any of the rooms in this house... but still he was a gentlemen. he tolerated my father's quirks and engaged him in talk of his work as an engineer. he even tolerated the insanity of meeting my aunt. and after all that, i mean most men would assume being in a hot tub with a woman (even one as messed up as me right now) would be something to take advantage of, but even when i accidently put my feet on his feet, still the perfect gentleman. if i were a morning person Stuart i'd so go swimming with you every morning. saturday was great. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 PM
6 comments
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Hey Queen B...sorry I didnt even call...it has been beyond crazy around here...I am soooo phoned out and I havent been home much. But lets talk soon and catch up.
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always remember #97 of my 100 Things About Me list.
;)
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yes, anon, Love does hurt like Hell, actually worse than hell.
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And yet we still want it so badly...
I am sorry if my comment made you cry last night. I think we wore both crying during the same time :S
Ron
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mumble
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movie recommendation: Schultze Gets the Blues - a priceless film.
oh and to let you know, this Nude painting sold for $1,300US, Barry is mighty proud of his son, and should be.
i'm thinking of going to a painting class, just to get back into the swing of it, feel a brush in my hand again. the smell of paint. i could use some creative juices. i need to cover my walls.
planning out the myriad of photographs i plan to take upon getting back my camera later this week. i shared a few of my UP ideas with the gang at Spymac. everyone is planning to contribute... i told them anytime, as many times, as this is a LIFE LONG project that everyone can contribute to. after all it is about this one earth, this one place that binds us. we are all part of the thread that weaves unity.
If you believe in the power magic, I can change your mind. And if you need to believe in someone, Turn and look behind. When we were living in a dream world, Clouds got in the way, We gave it up in a moment of madness, And threw it all away. Don't answer me, dont break the silence, Don't let me win, Don't answer me, stay on your island, Don't let me in. Run away and hide from everyone. Can you change the things we've said and done? If you believe in the power of magic, Its all a fantasy. So if you need to believe in someone, Just pretend its me. It aint enough that we meet as strangers, I cant set you free. So will you turn your back forever on what you mean to me? Don't answer me, dont break the silence. Don't let me win. Don't answer me, stay on your island. Don't let me in. Run away and hide from everyone, Can you change the things we've said and done?Labels: music lover |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
5:00 PM
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hi,
i am wanting to contribute to the unity project which you so lovingly conceived and i will as soon as come up with a clever scenario and figure out the ins and outs of my camera and technology.
xoxo katie
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do you remember me telling you about it just before 911 happened. i know you'll add something wonderful Katiebear. smoochies
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Sunday, May 21, 2006
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guatemalan worry dolls
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 i have a little box of 'em. you tell them your worries and sleep on them and in the morning your worries are gone.
ya.
yesterday Stuart suggested i convince my family to agree to be a reality TV show. haha! no doubt. he was particularly fond of my aunt and her white wine which she drinks out of a 7UP bottle, so no one knows she's drinking wine. i know, they are all priceless. i love them all SO SO MUCH. and what family doesn't have its quirks. this blog is like a reality TV show on it's own.
since 1997 i have presented my life to the world - via the internet. it began on a website journal i created. it moved around to various avenues and various names... until now, here, so self-aware, and under my real name.
being a blogger of course i have heard about the recent case of Jessa Jeffries and her being fired from her job over her blog content. particularly for making it known where she worked.
after reading about her antics, and reading her myspace, and how she openly dared people to find the pictures of her from when she posed for Playboy in 2004, and posting pictures of herself in sexual context, and talking about fist fucking, and just generally how she represented her life could be considered in bad taste.
specially when she was also teaching small scouts (children) and representing her employer in doing so, and providing pictures of her employment.
i know we all lead those double lives. there is us in private and us in work environments. it is a fine edge. but we should be aware of how to play it. i don't think she did know that fine line and think she is foolish to think she can just let this blow over.
i've been at work in the past and have witnessed co-workers sending one another sexually suggestive emails/faxes, telling sexual jokes in the halls, talking about getting drunk on the weekends... it seems acceptable within those limits i suppose to some people. i never thought it was okay, as sexual tension at a work environment, to me, always seemed like something one should avoid. just like you never date your friend's ex-es, you never date co-workers and you don't bring sex into work situations.
trust me i've failed at those rules too, i am human but...
blogs however seem to be this new ground. for many of us it is a very personal experience. and not just exposed to co-workers but to the world if they so choose to view it.
i share very personal items with you. i know other people don't always accept this as a normal thing. yet those same people have no problem when the news reports about Tom and Katie, Brad and whoever, and Paris Hilton or Royal family, etc. which is bizarre to me. as here we are all human. all suffering from humanity. why it is somehow acceptable to know every dirty detail of the famous and not acceptable for someone who works at a museum to be human too?
not that i care what Jessa did with her life. i'm not judging that aspect. if people think she is hot, that's her option to exploit. flaunt it if you got it and you want to, but be aware of the consequences.
that's how i am - aware.
i accept there are people who will negatively judge me when they see a side of me that says, i'm horny or if i happen to post a picture of me in my bra (remember that nightmare!) or my catsuit, or if i say something negative about someone else. but i'm not representing anyone else, or anyone else's opinions here. this is about me and my ideas. me and my creations. me.
if someone were to fire me or not hire me based on this blog, i accept that consequence. i wouldn't want to work for someone who couldn't handle me anyway, would i?
and despite what it appears i actually do keep A LOT about my life PRIVATE. only the guatemalan worry dolls (and occasionally my closer friends) get the juicier details. in the morning they are gone. ;)
do i think she should have been fired? i can't say. i haven't been able to read everything she wrote as she has edited things since being fired. i can't say because i am not her previous employer. i can't say because i do not have all the facts. i am however interested in such events, as this medium of using blogs (or internet representation) for a reason for firing someone, is a new frontier. there is so much fuzzy area there.Labels: www |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:55 PM
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a man in a kilt
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 so i called FUJI and asked what's up. called me back and told me it was repaired and will be shipped back to Vancouver. so hopefully by midweek next week i will have my ability to snap snap snap back.
the roses are blooming, the bunnies are hopping, there are a lot of Unity Project photos to be taking... i'm sure the onslaught of images will be numbing. and despite the requests, no there will not be semi nude photos of me. okay none without some artistic reason. *haha* i have never wanted that kind of blog following, thanks. i have a brain.
i really burned myself at the beginning of the week. even now my bra straps hurt my shoulders. that was however a DUMB move on my part. but at least i don't look so white anymore.
the local Peace Arch News put out some a magazine called Discover the Peninsula. local artist Robert Genn's painting is on the cover. makes me long for a canvas to paint. i should get back into painting. i have missed it for far too long.
the Spirit of the Sea Festival August 5th & 6th, 2006, looks like a fun time. so many things to do here this summer.
although i must admit i am hoping to convince someone, anyone, to go see Superman Returns with me this summer. i love superman. and maybe even Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. ummm Depp-ilious.
 yes, i am horny. so loathe me. i can lust after the unattainable men all i want.
i should do a win a date with me thing to get some free movies...
nah, i'm not that type of blogger. although i will be the type that goes on about how fricking hot someone is... like Gerard Butler. oh my lord. i've always had a thing for scottish accents and he is a dreamy specimen of man. i can imagine hours of steamy sex... oh my. he's in Vancouver too... Gerard i need a date to the movies... haha.
come on, how sexy is a man in a kilt. those thighs... *sigh*
i don't know... i'm tired of being cooped up. i have the means to go out and get out, but what to do what to do. life is so... spotty.Labels: movie lover |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
8:08 PM
2 comments
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rawr on the g. butler, by the way...
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as my friends and i used to say.... i'd do him.
hahahaha
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
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kids rule
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kiddo had soccer today. oh i so don't think she is into the sport, mind you it is in a gym. which was overly air conditioned. me in my little yellow skirt, i was goose bumps. yet she doesn't seem to participate in the game parts. she day dreams and fiddles with her color vest and the game goes on around her. i asked if she likes it, at dinner, and she said no. but i will ask her again next week. after we rushed off to her school to see her in her spring concert. her class did a little dance performance. too cute. all the kids were cute. surrounded by proud parents... life = reproduction.
but alas, i have cats to love and to love me. cuddle critters that they are.
yes, me alone with cats for life... that seems to be the plan. not that i feel sorry for myself. i don't. i've known love. i've been in love and i believe there are people who have loved me. i know what i want but it doesn't want me. this i accept. such is life. Love Cats by The Cure is playing now. yes, me and cats will do. will do just fine. i know i can fill my days with busy bee work and hobbies. i've done it before. after my marriage ended in 1997 and after my divorce in 1998 i spent my days jamming my life with busy bee activities. distractions. some of which became too good. too good to be true. and now i know i can do it all again. fill my days with... i don't know, distractions and stuff. like i said, life, i know what i want but it doesn't want me. i have added a little listening list to the bottom of the blog so you can see what the last ten songs i listened to were through iScobbler. thinking back to how hard i thought life was at 16 and i laugh now. the complexities of life now boggle my mind.
have i said enough how much FUJI sucks for how long they take to replace one tiny little plastic button? i am composing a letter of complaint. i am one dissatisfied customer. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:54 PM
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PWEI are dope. i even got the chance to see them a couple of times. once back in the UK and then here in Van with EMF. good times. Be well B.
Rxx
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i take it you saw my listening habits from last night. i saw PWEI here in Vancouver many many years ago too. they are amazing.
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the hunter hunted
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i walked into his trophy room and there it all hung on the walls. years and years of conquests, stuffed and mounted in empty dead eyes. teeth snarled at the ghosts of that magnificence they had been while alive. now here in the stale confines of isolation, a cabin lost in the trees, a room of death surrounded by the naturalness of life, is there happiness? is there joy in the finality of it all, in its hanging there lifeless. majestic animals snatched from their world, some even willingly looking into those hunting sights unaware, taken down for your prize. slaughtered, mangled and yet in that ruthlessness of killing, somehow cherished, somehow longed for, remembered, relished. but do these reminders framed and boxed on your wall, do they love you, do they fill you with hope, do they do anything to remove the blood on your hands, the stain on your soul? To them it was never the game it was to you, to them it was life or death. the hunter hunts, but just how would he like to be hunted?
in the news: The last outstanding portion of the human genome, chromosome 1, is sequenced by the Human Genome Project. as you know i've been following this project all along. i am contnually amazed by humanity's capacity for advanced science... to dream it to life. that is the ultimate human condition. to imagine it, and make it so.
today in 1980 a volcano erupted. it shook my house, the glass cabinets rattled. i was just 7 but it impressed me. in 1994 i travelled to the mountain, in awe of it power. i've always loved volcanoes. the sure force of unstoppable nature. i ponder how fragile we are, within this city surrounded by mountains, Mt. Baker stands picture perfect in the horizon from our cities... one day will she too show us her will? i hope not. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:02 PM
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
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Nude
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Barry from Texas has a very talented son named Colin. Colin has some work of his up in a show.
I would so buy this piece... It is beautiful.
Colin is about to graduate high school. What proud parents Eve and Barry must be. They're celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary next Tuesday. Wow. 25 years. I can only hope some day to do the same. Hope is the word of the day. The word of my life.
Thanks for sharing with me Barry.
8:28:02 PM beeloveunity: magic
8:28:11 PM barrybdoyle: :)
8:28:16 PM barrybdoyle: some lovely optimism
Yup hope is the word of my life.
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pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:46 PM
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I'd love to own one of those, it's not just the way the girl's posed, but the background is sheer black, which made it more vibrant.
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yah, i think you are correct about the black background. i think it's wonderful work.
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ahh b dear thank you so much...such a lovely cherished friend...and thanks too to eddie and mitzzee for the kind comments.
i would love for you to have this too b, make an offer after the show ends on sunday and you never know! maybe he'll let it go for a song! :) the piece is about 5 or 6 feet wide acrylic on canvas stretched over a 3" deep frame.
there was quite a controversy as he was painting this at his school...the art room is so small that most painting is done in a common hallway under some bright skylights...not everyone appreciated the art involved...but it was good for him to get the positive and negative feedback...it's part of what it means to be an artist, and to grow as an artist...his year long senior thesis theme is evoking emotions...this one certainly did it.
love you b, thanks for your love
b
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i sent you an email Barry
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wounded by trouble
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good morning sunshine.
checking my stats. you know, out of curiosity. typically i know who a lot of the regular friends and family are that come by. and am amused that the "Calgary" locations are actually two people, one who lives in Burnaby and one in Surrey, but Shaw registers them as Calgary. stats.
but i like the ones i don't know. my curiosity is peaked by those. today i added two new flags to the collection. Thailand and Bahrain. Bahrain has been to the blog before, and somehow i forgot to add the flag, because i remember thinking Bahrain is a Sea...? and went to look Bahrain up in the trusty (ha) CIA Factbook web site. now i know where it is. and here again that little country is showing up in the last 100 hits.
 in the next weeks two old internet chums are going through some changes, one is Beata, she's moving to Texas to go to school there, I know she'll excel at all she does, she's fantastic. The other is Chantal who is in Seoul, then going to China and Cambodia for a few weeks and then she's getting married in Australia at the end of June. She's a beautiful person, an outstanding soul. all i ask is send me more postcards! i love getting postcards, Beata sent me one from Rome once that is actually sitting here on my desk. (picture is me and Chantal in Edmonton in April 2000).
i am bright pink and have tan lines from my sun-a-thon yesterday... doh. and me swearing off sun - ya... okay skin cancer, just back off and let me enjoy this with out me freaking out over every little strange patch. i'm freckled in the face now. oh Noxema i love you.
my morning fun... there is a big patio here, and the kitties can't escape it, so i allow them the chance to roam on it freely and lay in the sun. this morning after breakfast with kiddo Bear was out there, eating fresh catnip. she goes off to school and i'm walking through the hall and i hear cat sounds outside, so i go to check.
there is a neighbourhood cat, my father has nicknamed "Trouble". he comes around all the time like this is his place, and i know why. my father feeds him cat food now and again. so every day Trouble comes by looking for a free hand out. occasionally he kills something (a mole, a rat, a bird) and brings it and leaves us a nice present. never eats his kill mind you.
so i walk out there and Trouble is growling through the glass railings at Bear, who is just sitting there a foot away looking at Trouble not making a sound. so dumb me, i put my foot in the space between the bottom of the rail and Bear because he knows "the foot" means move it. Trouble however assumed the foot was something to kill. and like lightening his claws were under that little gap in the bottom and in my foot. wham. wounded by Trouble. (hey that's a great line "wounded by trouble" - i'll have to remember that.) |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:39 AM
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
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fishes
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"If wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets."
I'm reading Dune as I've said before but that phrase is stuck in my head. I have found myself saying it lots, it's almost musical and slips off my tongue. "If wishes were fishes... If wishes were fishes..."
Got a new bike and man my legs feel the burn. It is amazing what a good ride can do to make you feel the lungs and the muscles. Got to burn off those Rice Krispy Squares... darn Susie makes good cookies too.
Did I mention I called FUJI on Monday, she said all she could see in the computer was they have the part now. WHAT? I said you know I was really hoping to have it back by now and I have this little girl's Spring Concert Thursday night... she said oh well I will email them and ask them to rush. Ya. Rush was like 14 days ago! Rush. Damn you FUJI - if your camera didn't take such great shots I would have bought a new one by now!
Long weekend this weekend. Kiddo has another birthday party to go to Friday... the socialite. Next friday we do Sports Day... WEEEEEEE man I remember how fun those were. The ice cream with the wooden stick... ummmm memories.
First swim of the season just took place. Man that's the life. Got on my bikini and I spent several hours helping fit the cover and test the roller, and got pink on my back. Then kiddo came home from school with her friend and we all jumped in. My fingers are wrinkly, and now I'm going to sunbathe. Freckles baby freckles.
Oh also there are bald eagles that fly over the house every afternoon... Damn you FUJI you better get me that camera back soon...Labels: book reading |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:04 PM
1 comments
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pool looks sooo inviting...even though Im always too cold here on the coast...i like the idea of just laying beside it
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Monday, May 15, 2006
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earth to earth
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With all this hope for Unity takng off and people really getting into this project thought some laughter would be nice today.
I was over on Stop Global Warming .Org i suggest for a laugh you watch Will Ferrel does George Bush on Global Warming Video:
I've added some links to the side bar of this blog and to the Unity Project blog as well. It's a good cause. Get involved.
PS: happy birthday Barry, you are a cool Texan.Labels: unity project |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:00 PM
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Love it! Love Puss Puss too! :)
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I love Will - he cracks me up.
Puss Puss rules... I took the name from that Robert Evans show.
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aww thanks sweet B...you are so good to me, such lovely friendship
xoxo hugs and kisses
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Barry dude, i'm not kidding when i say one day i'm coming to Texas and you are cooking me one of these meals you're always making me dream of.
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Sunday, May 14, 2006
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Contagious
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And like that... the unity spreads.
Click picture for more details.
GO Oilers.
My grandfather Max was a HUGE Edmonton fan and I spent many games at his side in front of the tube. He died of lung cancer in September 1993. I vowed if I ever have a son to name him Max. Maximilian Sebastian... vow still in holding pattern.
 I'm pooped. Today was totally frickin' awesome. I hardly slept but I was up at 8. You can tell I look haggard here with Mom (that is her drinking a scotch). MOM rocks.
Have I told you how totally awesome my brother is? Well he is, he went to a fundraiser last night, and he too was on low fuel today. But we did it.
I'm munching my Aunt's Rice Krispy square. Pondering if I have enough fuel to hit the hot tub before I crash.
Anyway, somehow it all came together and the dishes are all away and everything is done.
Watched The Incredibles tonight.
I feel superhero like even.
Man I need a tan. HAHA well what difference it makes to me I don't know. Looking forward to the summer, to the pool, to the totally not caring about it all, trying hard not to stress but stressing you know... if only I could sleep. Gawd I am funny looking. Like I said on a good day I don't even like my picture being taken so I always look so uncomfortable. But screw it. Who do I have to impress? Certainly not you.
 (i had just put her back on the ground after eating her shoulder and neck... you see i "eat" Bear's cat belly while he lays on the floor for me and she thought it very funny, so now i often munch on kiddo the same way because her giggle makes the universe sparkle.)
PS. Please play with Puss Puss... |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:40 PM
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My father had a grey cat named Smokie when he was a teen. I've got to find those photos again. I'll post em on flickr if I do. Speaking of old black and white photos, when my parents and I were visiting my Grandmother on Sunday we somehow ended up going through her box of old photos. I've borrowed a couple to copy and hang on the wall. I'll scan them and share. +o)
Kisses for Puss Puss!
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Oh, and I've decided to start collecting photos of kitties from 1950 and previous. Hopefully, it'll be fun. +o)
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Puss Puss is the best kind of pet. No poop scooping...
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waves of déjà vu
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thinking about my conversation with Jolayne about everything the other day, babies, and how the mind always leaps ahead and starts planning things even when you know damn well it isn't possible to plan anything... and i suppose as we said it's human nature. no one thinks about growing up, it just happens. we all get old. i hope she's having fun tonight.
cheers, to being in limbo.
i've been doing a lot of soul searching. and yes, despite what some may think, i do have a soul. it may have always belonged to the devil but even the devil is into the concept of zero, of ultimate balance.
i didn't get a chance to telephone anyone today. i was planning it, but there's that impossibility to plan things again. and no one phoned me so...
(a flame in the dark so easily blown out)
something along the way to this point, this moment in time, had to be fate.
i don't know. i've been a little off kilter lately as i've been biting my tongue to much and not saying the things i should, and even though sometimes life requires you to do such things, sometimes you think back and think, nah, i should have just said it. but alas, the time has passed and it is now meaningless history and no one cares. i am the only one thinking about it so it has to be completely meaningless. although the devil knows.
(Escape -if all else fails)
did i ever tell you about Calvin? we went to high school together, he was the greatest guy friend i've ever known, and no we never even kissed, but we were that close we often thought about it. in 1999 i was at a point in my life where i wanted a child. i remember talking about the idea with Calvin, and i think i even asked him if he would be willing to have one, without any strings, i just wanted one. he said that he figured one day he'd be a great dad (which i all ready knew he would) but he couldn't have a child with someone without marriage. i was being selfish.
i'm always selfish. i want what i want and that's it. sorry if that's terrible of me. sorry if that makes me a terrible person. i don't always get what i want you know. i didn't get a child in 1999. but i got a niece.
when i was about 13ish i had my most vivid and lucid future premonition. it has stuck with me to this day. 2007 is right around the corner and i'm nervous but floating and anticipating it all... i look around me and i can see the details of my life and it is like this puzzle coming together and finally making sense. the blonde girl holding my hand, clearly was always my niece... when it occurs the déjà vu will be like no other déjà vu i've experienced and i've experienced a lot. most recently in waves.
something wicked this way comes
looking at the 100 things about me and thinking about how many days it took me to write that and how when i started i thought, no way i can write out 100 things... and now i think i missed so much i could write another 100. another 1000.
it's officially Mother's Day and it is supposed to be up to 26 degrees today... BBQ time... i should try to get a few hours sleep. try is the word. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:22 AM
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Saturday, May 13, 2006
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More Unity Spreads
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I like it when a plan comes together. (click picture for details)
Keep on snapping those pictures and send them on over to me.
YOU ALL ROCK.
Today has been a great day, I cleaned 3 bathrooms, and vacuumed the 3rd floor... Help cut the pool cover to fit, which means next week will be swimming. Sunbathed for an hour and got a little pink, and the freckles are on the way. A long bike ride and now off to hot tub. I love the world. I love you.Labels: unity project |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
8:24 PM
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and the world loves you, you love bug
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you seriously have to come soak next weekend. seriously. watch a chick flick. just hang.
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its a date...ive been thinkin of it
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family
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congrats are in order as Katie from Ottawa (i'll try to call again soon) emailed to tell me her brother and his lovely wife have had their daughter.
*sigh* babies
 
had a good few hours and a Blackberry Green Tea Frappuccino thingy at Starbucks with Shanna today and Griffin was there. motherhood shines on her. i offered to watch her dogs if they decide to leave them here (instead of some crazy road trip to bring them) when they go to do their big family reunion, as Amber will be in Jamaica man... she said even if they take the dogs with them - i can still house sit.
so even though i have no one to go to Vegas with to be a nerdlinger with me at the Star Trek convention *sigh* (ya me alone in Vegas isn't so appealing) at least i will have a place to get away as a mini sort of vacation at the end of july/aug time if i want. two weeks alone might be nice. and it's only 5 minutes away from here.
kiddo rode her bike for the first time yesterday.
it was amazing. i was on the phone with J and was like "oh my gawd she's riding her bike!" as i could see her dad with her right out side the computer window here. i ran out and hugged her. tonight we went for a bike ride and she was all "i'm great at bike riding" and i was all "you are the awesomest at it" and the neighbours called out from their drive way saying "she did it" and we waved back and said "look at her go" and go she did.
the world just expanded.
she has another birthday party saturday, the little socialite, so i helped her pick a present and we bought mother's day cards and before bed i wrapped the present up so it looked like a big candy with flared ends with ribbons and she said it will be the best looking present ever.
i get that from my mom. my mom always went way out there in the celebrations. she once wrapped the tiny little jewelry box gift at christmas for me in a series of larger and larger boxes, and even put a hammer inside to add weight to fool me. that's my mom. that's why she is the coolest. it's those little things in life.
mother's day there will be 11.1 people here... Griffin is the .1 as he will be 1 month on Tuesday. bro has been breaking his back house cleaning, and tomorrow while kiddo is partying i have a bunch of cleaning to do... this is a big house. and the more i think about it, if i could find a nice job near by, maybe i could stay here for awhile. the pool is going into operation in the next weeks so you know i will be wearing myself out with that and bike rides, being the best friend to a 6 year old gets me exercise.
had a conversation with an old friend about children... i suppose it is pretty clear that i feel like i am missing out on motherhood, but i'm glad i haven't had children as of yet, or i suppose it is fate that has made it never happen, or as i keep telling myself this is just my path in life. but i can say i honestly would have had a child by now if things had been right. children really are something. i can't imagine never being a grandparent, never watching my children get married, fall in love or fall down riding a bike. and yes i know i still have time to try, or adopt, and i'm not in any rush by any means, but watching the moms at gymnastics today... and kiddo running up at the end and jumping on me to give me a big hug... ya i am self aware of what i want one day.
and my mind just expanded.Labels: Star Trek |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
1:01 AM
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thanks sweetie! yay for kiddo riding her bike. it's been so long since i've seen her (and you for that matter). Brent and i would come to vegas with you but we can't afford it financially right now. Brent would definetly go to the star trek convention thingamabobber with you too. he's also a star trek fan :) i wouldn't go to vegas on my own either. it's a place you need good company of at least one other person. amazing (yet odd at the same time) city. i don't think much has changed since you've last been save for more casinos on the strip (ie Wynn's)
xo K
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You'd make a great mom B...or a great auntie..or a great god-mother...step-mom...best friend to a 6 year old...you can always come and cuddle and smell the little munchkin inside me..(just wait till he/she is out though)lol..we must get our girls together this summer.
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Katie, Brent's a keeper if he is a Trek fan hahaha miss ya - love ya.
J - i can't wait to see your baby in 8 months. and yes over the summer you all will come to have a pool party for sure, my niece loves to play in the pool.
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Great blog, great story for reading!
http://www.jewelrygreatgift.com
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Friday, May 12, 2006
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100 Things about ME
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1. My name means foreign, strange, exotic, mysterious
2. I am Pisces through and through, imaginative and sensitive, compassionate and kind, selfless and unworldly, intuitive and sympathetic, escapist and idealistic, secretive and vague
3. a true Canadian eh
4. I went to Disneyland when i was like 5ish... all i remember are the mechanical bears
5. I went to Vegas once, in 1999
6. I went to Toronto once with Trace
7. I've been married once
8. I've been divorced once
9. I nearly died once (October 25, 1992)
10. I have titanium screws in my ankle for life, call me limpy
11. I used to SCUBA (and plan to again)
12. i love bats
13. i have black tattoos the design includes bats
14. i want more tattoos
15. i love alligators and crocodiles, i collect things in their image
16. i LOVE cats, i am the cat lady, once had 5, now only 3 (edit: as of 2009 only 1 = SO SAD)
17. i named my cats after movie characters
18. i love movies and quote them far far to often
19. i love nature and being in the garden
20. i have a photography obsession
21. i am a terrible painter but i love it
22. i am a terrible writer but one day i will finish something worthwhile - i promised my mom i would
23. i am a terrible poet
24. i sing, particularly in the shower or while driving, or when it is most embarrassing, like in the cheese section at the grocery
25. i love to dance, mainly like a maniac maniac dancing like she's never danced before
26. i live for music which is why #24 happens so much
27. i love color, orange and red and green and blue
28. i love everyone, so if i say i love you, don't take it to mean more than love, i love everyone - love is wonderful that way with me (see #29)
29. as truth is i've been IN love twice, and love and being IN love to me are two very very separate things, and i'm sure someday i might find number 3 but see #67, #69, and especially #93 (Edit 2009 - I did find #3 that has been a crazy crazy time)
30. i read a lot, books are valuable to me
31. i hate money, i understand and respect its necessity, but too many people place money above the things in life that matter most, money doesn't love you
32. i love to drive, i want to one day race a car, i think that would be a blast, particularly in the mud
33. i have seen therapists on and off since i was 14
34. i was a depressive, moody person, i think drugs merely help you deal with it, they aren't the cure
35. i am self aware, but believe it or not i actually keep a lot to myself, i tell you what i want you to know, even in this list
36. i love sci-fi, even lame sci-fi
37. i love history, how else do you learn
38. i love sex, there's no shame in that
39. i've had braces on my teeth, twice
40. since i was 24 i have needed glasses, i can't see things in the distance all that well without them
41. i judge people by how they treat me
42. i forgive people for how they treat me
43. i refuse to carry grudges
44. i've been a witness in a court case
45. i've been a juror in a court case
46. i wrote freelance for a short stint for a national rag (Exclaim)
47. i love the web and have been online since 1995, doing my own personal web sites since 1997
48. i even owned my own URLs for a while for a time (2009 - and I do again)
49. i love computers, have had one since the late 80s
50. i love astronomy, i study star maps, and spend hours star gazing
51. i love astrology and mystical spiritual things, i've been to many psychic ESP fairs and find it all fascinating, whether i believe it all or not, well
52. i am a scientific minded person
53. but i love the unexplained, as it merely has yet to be explained
54. i accept i know very little, and have an open mind to hear everyone's theory
55. i love the earth, volcanoes, oceans, plate tectonics, geology
56. i love archeology, which is part of history, and mystery all in one
57. i love food, specially mexican, and italian
58. i cry at sappy movies, sappy commercials even, i have a very tender heart
59. i'd give you the shirt off my back
60. it hurts me to see other people hurt, and makes me feel helpless when i can't make their pain stop
61. animals too, i love animals more than anything
62. i love star wars, i always identified with Luke, and wanted to be like Han, i never wanted to be a princess
63. i love shoes, and wish i owned a million pairs, but in the end i prefer to be barefooted
64. i don't like dresses, i was a tom boy, and to this day prefer jeans
65. i love to drink, but only with company
66. i love shiny latex, and think it is an art form
67. i don't really want a sugar daddy, it is just that i've been a sugar mamma so much, i think it would be nice for once to have it the other way around
68. medically the odds of me having a child are slim to none
69. i love children, one day i hope to adopt if need be, i think that would be amazing, but that's for the future, i'd even do it alone
70. i snore sometimes, but i'm not a bed hog, sometimes i hardly sleep, sometimes i sleep forever
71. i'm allergic to pollen, specially grass
72. i love the sun, and just sitting in the rays and listening to mother nature
73. i lack self confidence in myself, it's my number one downfall, i am my own worst enemy
74. i am a chatty cathy, but i listen just as well
75. i do crosswords, and word puzzles, and think language is fun
76. i don't speak any other languages though, they don't roll off my tongue to well
77. i would love to travel one day, but if i don't i can live with never seeing Rome, or the Pyramids
78. i have about 20 white hairs (2009 surely it is more now)
79. aging doesn't bother me, it just shocks me as i feel so young at heart
80. i should exercise more
81. i love bike riding
82. i love being in water, swimming and just being wet
83. i love long showers as it soothes me
84. i wore leg warmers and neon in the early eighties, a like cyndi lauper more than madonna
85. by the mid 80s i was a punk, mod, alternative freak
86. i worked concession at a club in my teens that had bands like DOA play at them
87. i played piano, clarinet, organ, and guitar - none of which i can do today
88. i loved acting in high school, it taught me how to make people laugh
89. i like to try to make people laugh, laughter is a wonder drug
90. i never play chess to win, it frustrates people, i'm not competitive
91. i drink cranberry juice
92. i don't play favorites, i don't have one favorite movie or one favorite song, life is too rich full and wonderful to limit oneself to playing favorites
93. i don't need a man to make me feel complete, it is just nice to have some one to share life with, as it sucks when you don't have someone to go on vacation with
94. i don't think mankind can own land, but again see #31
95. i always try to see the positive even in the negative, life is about balance, about being zero
96. i've always been unusual and strange to people, but it is part of my charm
97. my friends are my friends for life, even if they don't see me for years, they should know i'd always be there, my friends know i can pick it up like it was yesterday and my love for them never changes...
98. my love is for eternity (see #28)
99. i am a hopeful human being
100. home is where your heart is |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:20 AM
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thats an awesome post B.You have a way with words and its cool that you are self-aware about your strengths and weaknesses...I like you B.B. Queen....I may do 50 things about myself...did it take you awhile to think of these things?
I was thinking the other day how everyone is so anti-weaknesses...like they're such a terrible thing..we are human and how would we grow and evolve without weaknesses and relationships to show us how to grow.Spiritually speaking I think thats the purpose of all kinds of relationships
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i have been writing this out for a few days actually, i think about 4, i finally polished it up while wondering if sleep would come last night. i think i fell asleep at about 4 or 5, must have been 5 as the sky was light.
i love my weaknesses as much if not more so than my strengths. as they are the things i have to work on more and tenderly care for.
i am self aware. i know exactly who i am. right here, right now. it's all the other things about what i will do that i don't know. i'm usually a planner. i like having a plan. not having one right now is a bit of a new experience for me.
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That was great. If I can muster up the courage, maybe I'll be as open about myself in my blog. I don't think I've fully explored the idea that my blog is my space to express whatever I want.
First I started posting smug little comments about things I'd see, mostly in the media. Then I got all reflective... that's about the time I found that I actually liked to write. Then I fell into the "this-would-be-fun-to-post-in-my-blog" thing.
But lately I've had so much on my mind ... so many changes ... and, ironically, I've not written about it much.
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Thanks Eddie, I've added your blog to my blogroll, so that I can check it out. I have no problem being open, in fact I catch shit for being TOO open about my life here, but I have always been that type of person, I feel there should be nothing to hide. This is me, genuine B.
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Really really cool blog that you have here - I found you via 25peeps.
I also find it amazing how open you are - I'm still somewhat weary of being open. Maybe one day when I start an anonymous blog, but then there's not much point to being open, is there? You're lucky to know a 100 things of yourself. I would have to think really hard to come up with 100!! I change my mind too often.
Sometimes I read stuff I wrote a while back and it sounds like a different person - that's a bit scary.
I'm adding you to my RSS reader as I definately want to read more. Also, I love the "Rufus b-day pics" :)
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thank you Danette, you are very kind. i am glad you enjoyed reading about me. i thought it would be hard to come up with 100 Things but in the end i found them and more.
i think being able to look back at what i wrote and how i was feeling is a great thing.
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Jeeze B... Fantastic as usual! I had trouble coming up wit eight things about me, (i live such a exciting life.)
Unity Baby!
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Thursday, May 11, 2006
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no cheesecake
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but a vanilla shake...
god what is my obsession with vanilla.
DUUUUUUUUUDDEEEEEEEE!!!!! always have a plan B, and C and D and E if you can... when plan A falls through... move on... if i don't have to sit here - i won't so... and now that my brother has his own home theatre with xbox360 etc i have access to his wheels...
i haven't driven a stick in years... it's like riding a bike... a little jerky at first but... anyway...
i'm awake, but super sleepy, and going to jump in the hot tub and soak, soak, soak... but just had to tell the world, or the few people of the world that actually read this (thanks for supporting love) that J rocks. rocks i tell ya.
J darling you are FAB-U-LOUS and don't even think other wise.
i felt like a conversation hog - i hope i wasn't a bore.
being in my old stomping grounds was tres bizarre. home. *shutter* oh how many times i've sat in that White Spot, and yes there was one before up at the other location... so many hours spent there too, alas it is gone. things change. a lot changes over the years... a lot.
fucking googlemap, thank god i am so boyscout, always be prepared. i may not have a cell phone but there are always pockets full of quarters. googlemap gets a lot wrong. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:22 AM
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lol...no cheesecake..I was just thinking how I didn't get my cake or eat too...you're a sweetheart B. You are Bee-U-tiful....you have great eyes and beautiful toenails.
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haha, toenails...
no J baby you the one that kicks it like it ain't never been kicked before.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006
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nerd alert
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 okay every time i get one of them Creation Entertainment emails it just makes me want to be a Star Trek nut... i should just get an RV and travel the world to sci-fi conventions.
Avery Brooks was the latest topic. Man - that's a sexy dude... and yes he is old enough to be my father but he has that voice. That ummm shaved head. Sisko rocked. DS9 is my favorite series by far. Worf, Odo and that dreamy Dr. Bashir... but the plot blew me away.
I was explaining to my brother yesterday why Enterprise sucked. It was a lack of a good strong captain figure. As much as I adore Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap (1989) which I watched back then, all the time, he just didn't pull off the Archer character to me. Maybe I'll watch it all again in years and love it but *shrug*
What is cool is that they are bringing Dr. Sam Beckett back in Quantum Leap: A Bold Leap Forward and yes, Dean Stockwell is back too. I love his characters. He has been in the TV series Battlestar Galactica, which is a frickin' cool REMAKE series... but, Married to the Mob is one of my favorite movies... The fries are crispy, the shakes are creamy, the continental is so dreamy...
I don't have a point to this, I'm just a rambling fool. I just got another Creation email, telling me 6,000 tickets have been sold to the Vegas convention... and I quote "BUT IT WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!" - I so know it won't be the same without me... I'm going to go sulk and eat a hamburger.Labels: Star Trek |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:54 PM
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love 101 : what's it mean?
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love |ləv| noun
1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love | their love for their country.
• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight | they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.
• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.
• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share a love of music.
• affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.
• a formula for ending an affectionate letter : take care, lots of love, Judy.
2 a person or thing that one loves : she was the love of his life | their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.
• Brit., informal a friendly form of address : it's all right, love.
• ( a love) Brit., informal used to express affectionate approval for someone : don't fret, there's a love.
3 (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil : love fifteen | he was down two sets to love. [ORIGIN: apparently from the phrase play for love (i.e., the love of the game, not for money); folk etymology has connected the word with French l'oeuf ‘egg,’ from the resemblance in shape between an egg and a zero.]
verb [ trans. ]
feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone) : do you love me?
• like very much; find pleasure in : I'd love a cup of tea, thanks | I just love dancing | [as adj., in combination ] ( -loving) a fun-loving girl.
PHRASES
for love for pleasure not profit : he played for the love of the game.
for the love of God used to express annoyance, surprise, or urgent pleading : for the love of God, get me out of here!
for the love of Mike informal used to accompany an exasperated request or to express dismay.
love me, love my dog proverb if you love someone, you must accept everything about them, even their faults or weaknesses.
make love 1 have sexual intercourse. 2 ( make love to) dated pay amorous attention to (someone).
not for love or money informal not for any inducement or in any circumstances : they'll not return for love or money.
there's no (or little or not much) love lost between there is mutual dislike between (two or more people mentioned).
DERIVATIVES
loveless adjective
lovelessly adverb
lovelessness noun
loveworthy |-ˌwərðē| adjective
ORIGIN Old English lufu, of Germanic origin; from an Indo-European root shared by Sanskrit lubhyati ‘desires,’ Latin libet ‘it is pleasing,’ libido ‘desire,’ also by leave 2 and lief .
Thesaurus
love
noun
1 his friendship with Helen grew into love deep affection, fondness, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment; devotion, adoration, doting, idolization, worship; passion, ardor, desire, lust, yearning, infatuation, besottedness. antonym hatred.
2 her love for fashion | a love of good food liking of/for, enjoyment of, appreciation of/for, taste for, delight for/in, relish of, passion for, zeal for, appetite for, zest for, enthusiasm for, keenness for, fondness for, soft spot for, weakness for, bent for, proclivity for, inclination for, disposition for, partiality for, predilection for, penchant for.
3 their love for their fellow human beings compassion, care, caring, regard, solicitude, concern, friendliness, friendship, kindness, charity, goodwill, sympathy, kindliness, altruism, unselfishness, philanthropy, benevolence, fellow feeling, humanity.
4 he was her one true love beloved, loved one, love of one's life, dear, dearest, dear one, darling, sweetheart, sweet, angel, honey; lover, inamorato, inamorata, amour; archaic paramour.
5 their love will survive relationship, love affair, romance, liaison, affair of the heart, amour.
6 my mother sends her love best wishes, regards, good wishes, greetings, kind/kindest regards.
verb
1 she loves him care very much for, feel deep affection for, hold very dear, adore, think the world of, be devoted to, dote on, idolize, worship; be in love with, be infatuated with, be smitten with, be besotted with; informal be mad/crazy/nuts/wild about, have a crush on, carry a torch for. antonym hate.
2 Laura loved painting like very much, delight in, enjoy greatly, have a passion for, take great pleasure in, derive great pleasure from, relish, savor; have a weakness for, be partial to, have a soft spot for, have a taste for, be taken with; informal get a kick out of, have a thing about, be mad/crazy/nuts/wild about, be hooked on, get off on. antonym hate.
PHRASES
fall in love with
she didn't mean to fall in love with him become infatuated with, give/lose one's heart to; informal fall for, be bowled over by, be swept off one's feet by, develop a crush on.
in love with
he's in love with Gillian infatuated with, besotted with, enamored of, smitten with, consumed with desire for; captivated by, bewitched by, enthralled by, entranced by, moonstruck by; devoted to, doting on; informal mad/crazy/nuts/wild about.
[copied from the Apple OSX Tiger Dictionary] |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:22 PM
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cool post B.. I love how you promote love in a lacking world...I love, i love...
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Nice post. Some of my thoughts on the topic are here: http://contemplator-musings.blogspot.com/
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Census Says
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Canadian Census time... officially marked in print on the calendar i own May 16 is Census day... haha
(a) prior to it's arrival there was a postcard telling us occupants it would arrive, and it also offered us the opportunity to work for the census people... hahaha
(b) last week, my father filled it in
(c) he had to ask me when we were all born, he is terrible with dates.
(d) there are 4 people in the house, 1 child, 1 adult child, 1 retired child, and one man who works almost 7 days a week.
(e) we have no religion, but i am god. ;) |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 AM
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Per (e); I knew you were Canadienne!
Er, uhh, Thank "You".
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oooo so not one of those Canadienne types.
i was born in vancouver eh.
careful or i'll smite thee
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Monday, May 08, 2006
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mutant bee me
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 (no not that wasp...)
the other day kiddo noticed a wasp making a new little home on the patio. it comes and reguratates some whatever it is and happily builds its nest. eventually we will knock it down destroying all it (or they) have worked so hard to build. but hey, they are wasps. they will move on. bugs are useful that way, destroy their home, they might buzz around in a frenzy but shortly after they'll just move on never to remember the incident. they have short lives.
my dad kept saying it was a bee. but i said no, it's a wasp. and asked kiddo if she knew the difference between the two. she said no. so i said, okay well there are two things you should know about... how to tell a wasp from a bee...
one, a bee has a big fuzzy round butt. and a wasp has a narrow pointy butt.
kiddo laughed.
secondly, and most importantly, if a bee stings you, it will die afterward but a wasp can sting you over and over and over and over and over forever.
she listened closely to that one.
i myself am not actually a bee. i just think it's amusing to use bee instead of B when shortening my name. if i were a bee i'd be a mutant bee. because i am the queen of the mutants. self proclaimed. those are the best kinds of things, self proclaimed things. because no one ever really cares about titles until you give them to yourself... no wait... actually no one ever cares about titles until they have them themselves... no wait... no one ever cares about titles until they are one themselves... wait now i'm lost... can you be a stalker if the person who claims you stalk them telephones you? wait wait wait... i'm stalking you and you're stalking me does that cancel out the "s" part and merely make it talking... does anyone really care if anything anyone else says is true... or if what they say isn't true... i mean everyone just loves the crazy stories... and in the end when we're all dead will any of it ever truly matter to anyone still alive then... which is what unity is about right... because i want to rule the world right... i want that title and i want that throne... i want the earth, the moon, and the universe... i am not stopping for nothing and nothing can stand in my way... i'm crazy don't ya know, and the crazy shall inherit the earth... screw the meek... no wait, don't... we have an over population problem all ready, how about throw them a sandwich... ya, no butter only mayo... and some ham... ham it up... and some cheese... always with the cheese... and yes there are a lot of ellipses in this rambling but you know... so what - i'm just a basket case and the spice must flow! kick it Eon - old schooooooooool |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 PM
2 comments
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Hey Miss. B's knees...Im wondering if you could help me put some links up...i cant seem to figure it out. I can give you my blogger account or maybe you could walk me through it. But im a blogging mood these days as I have alot of time on my hands
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why certainly, love to help.
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sexy alien
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This year is the 40TH Anniversary of STAR TREK.
I am a Trekkie at heart.
As you know from previous posts in the years gone by, one of my goals is to one day go to a convention.
There is a big one in VEGAS August 17 - 20, 2006...
If only I had a super wealthy sugar daddy that wanted to spend a weekend in Vegas with me and was willing to pamper me with such things... *sigh*
I'd wear a costume.
I could be a sexy alien.
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I want to meet William Shatner. Just once. He rules.
There is also another convention in SACRAMENTO, CA September 8-10, 2006 *sigh*
Maybe one day the nerd in me will get a chance.Labels: Star Trek |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
6:16 PM
4 comments
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Hey B. I, too, have fantasies of a hot wealthy sugar daddy who wants to lavish me in fun and skin...we should double date our sugar daddies straight over to Vegas...we'll go see all the shows and you go be sexy alien girl...Yes,Im hormonal today.Tell me something...do you think a man is any less a man if he wants a sugar mama to lavish him?Is it like the double standard that applies to women being together as opposed to men being together?
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Well, I was joking of course, I would never like myself if I used someone only for money. But I'd be a sexy alien girl for a Star Trek convention... ahaha
But I always say it takes all kinds, and if two people have that sort of agreement who am I to say what is or isn't right for them.
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It takes all kinds to make a medley...and I think if the shoe fits or the arrangement works..great...everyones happy. My sugar daddy would absolutely have to be sexy and attractive..with good skin.
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my sugar daddy would have to be 6 foot, slim build, sexy eyes, soft lips, strong hands, and whisper in my ear how wonderful i am and take me for long walks on beaches all over the world, and at least one Star Trek convention so I can shake Shatner's hand... in return hahahahahahahahahaha well let's say he'd be rewarded.
a woman can dream.
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Sunday, May 07, 2006
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say what?
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this photograph was taken in Florida by MadameFLY (edit May 10: FLY has informed me that the image was actually take in Crescent Beach in Kittery, Maine, I laughed about that one.)
i have a sinus infection and it has made it impossible to hear out of my left ear for the last two days. oh the ringing. had to be something from the public pool.
i feel like Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau, Oh the bells, the bells, they deaf-ing me
and great, my father just walked in and told me i don't understand the value of an asset.
ya dad, that's right. like the asset of a family? that kind of asset? the kind you put aside for the sake of business and making money and then 26 years later decide you have time for it. bah. i didn't say anything because there is nothing you can say to him. he's always right. and thinks it's perfectly acceptable to shit on anyone's day.
thanks dad, i can always count on you to make me feel like shit. i wonder if there is a mug that says that i can get him.
i'm running out of time? what the fuck does that mean? i felt like saying you know dad, when you were 33 you were newly divorced and working constantly and ignoring your children... oh please regale me with your stories of trips to the Bahamas again so i can tell you about wearing hand me downs and how much you failed at fatherhood... you selfish prick. but of course i can't say that shit. no. i am just a giant fuck up. he's perfect. i'm the fuck up. and i should just be grateful to be here.
i need three things (and quick):
1. some form of transportation as am i too far from reasonable things... like a good job.
2. a job (that's the easy part once i get #1)
3. a place to move to (that's the second easy part after #2)
what pisses me off most, is the way some days he goes on about how it's only money. not today it isn't.
i'm going to try to not think about it but... the last couple of days i was feeling good about myself... and wham. side swiped off that track, just like that. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
3:54 PM
5 comments
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side swiped days arent all that fun at all. now just get back on track and be all "that's right, im back on track with nooooooo problem!"
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My Mom and your Dad should get together. They'd be perfect for each other. Maybe they could morph together like Cartman and his Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper? Become one giant sarcastic blob draining the emotions of everyone in their ooozing wake? *slithersquishslither*
I'm sorry your Dad sucked the happy out of you today. I'm sending you lots of happy awesome vibes and hugs +o)
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thanks Pat
and ya T babe, "draining" is right. i think what makes it the hardest is he doesn't even realize he is bulldozing over me. he just shrugs it off and acts like it shouldn't hurt. thanks for the love vibes. i am receiving. i am receiving.
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Hey B. I sent you an email but dont know if it sent properly. Let me know if you got it or not. TAke care girl...i know where you're coming from.
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J, got your email, replied and I will call you sweetie. Just sneaking on here for a kiddo break.
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Saturday, May 06, 2006
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some place to paint
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 thinking about the perfect house... home for me... not only would it require a library, a room with all walls covered in shelves of books, with a big chair or two, with pillows, in the middle of the room with a small table for tea cups...
but this house, would need some place to paint in. i am longing to have big brushes and cans of soaking bristles. i miss the smell of paint. the way i used to have an over sized shirt covered in years of colors. it would be almost if not more so important. i can read anywhere, but painting requires space. and light. maybe an attic or some room with endless windows... with big flowing drapes that blow in the wind.
walking along the beach the other day i lingered looking at the houses. to be so removed... i like the city, but after living there those few years i know now it was a good thing i never bought a place there. i know myself. i know i like the silent nights. the calm days. the away from the hustle bustle. i sure don't miss drunks late night yattering, or fire sirens or rush hour traffic jams. i also do not miss the townhouse strata living either. no, never again will i buy into that. sharing such things with neighbours isn't ideal living, you can't pick your neighbours, so i think it's safe to say i'd have to have a home. some yard. some space.
i have always imagined me living in the mountains, Nelson like, you know? somewhere where there is snow. i have never had enough of it. i would love to be somewhere where it's blanketed. nothing like the silence of snow.
i think it would require a hot house, or green house or some sort of large solarium, as i love gardening and growing fresh herbs and cat nip for the cats, and would love to have fresh veggies from my own hand.
kiddo and i planted seeds today in between the rain spells. hummingbird plants and butterfly plants. we'll see what grows. the cat nip seeds have a few sprouts. i moved the planter to a better location. we'll see what grows.
we'll see what grows. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:42 PM
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Lots of storage space there for my records hehe. Hi B, been a while,was wondering where and how you were. hope your well?
Rxx
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you would hold a lot of records in there! i love that window seat... doing well thanks.
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Friday, May 05, 2006
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i AM cheap
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but god knows i AM sooooooooo NOT easy.
i've started to read "Dune" now. i love old books. their yellowed pages always have this certain smell. oldness smell.
i'm going to get a library card. was there the other day. i can ride my bike there. it is a cool thing. libraries. i love books. something about them. one day i will have a home library. it is the one extravagance i think i can allow myself.
i haven't mentioned much about the mundane life as of late. but here we go... kiddo has had pool parties, a birthday party, swimming with friends... amazing how active a child can be...
i went shopping with mom, it was awesome, got some cool new clothing. i am skinny. i mean holy skinny. i suppose wearing old clothing that is way too baggy hides it and now i see, damn, i am skinny! i got a size 6 skirt which even seemed big. size 6... not that i know what sizing is all about, but man, that made me feel like, so small. and my jeans were a 30 so i have no idea what that means either. but i fit the small shirts. hahaha... sizing, that's what change rooms are for. at least my shoe size is always the same.
volunteering for Sports Day later this month should be very cool. soccer thursdays and gymnastics fridays. Kiddo didn't have school today so two of her friends came by, one girl's mom visited for a bit, she is very nice. she offered that i could call and go for tea any time, she drinks tea too so she must be cool. ;) and i think i will call her some time.
we girls all played at the house. and then had lunch. and then went to the beach. waiting on my camera sucks. i know i say it a lot but... we all walked in bare feet and got sand in our toes. they collected shells, and dug sand holes. we had icecream on the way back. kiddo had Blue Bubble Gum, and i remember i used to eat that as a kid, the girls had Cotton Candy flavor. i had Vanilla Bean, yes, i told you i'm a vanilla girl. after we dropped the girls off at their homes it was rush off to gymnastics. kiddo still had sandy feet and stunk like the beach. i helped put away tumble mats and chatted with some of the moms. they all think i'm her mom, but i always say no, just her a proud aunt. they are all so nice.
noticed i got a bit pink on my back from the sun. yup, by the summer's end i will be tanned i'm sure. as many pool parties will surely be here in the months coming.
today was a great day ! and i'm pooped. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:57 PM
2 comments
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Im too skinny these days too...nice to know theres others out there with this rare problem in "get thin" world
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When I weighed myself about a month ago I was 130. I stood on the scale today and I'm 134. But weight fluctuates. I'm 5'8 so it's not toooo skinny.
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a peep into Hell
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 I forgot to mention I finished reading Enola Gay the other night. The book was published in 1977-78. It was very interesting to read the first hand experiences of the people surrounding the whole event, including the Japanese.
At just after 6:30 A.M. in the air over Japan, Tibbets told the crew, "We are carrying the world's first atomic bomb." At 8:16 A.M. the bomb's detonator activated 1890 feet above the ground. Words like "vaporized", "incinerated", "totally destroyed" and "living corpses" can hardly due justice to what was done that August 6, 1945.
I marvel at mankind's lust for destruction even now, 61 years later, we still seek to destroy those who do not share our ideals. Rather than having tolerance for the humanity of this world - we seek to ruin.
It's bizarre to me, the way humans get things in their heads.
We base too many of our actions on assumptions. On hearsay and rumor.
But who are we to trust? Who really speaks the truth? Who really wants the truth?
(Image: Three days after the Enola Gay had dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan had not surrendered, so the United States dropped a second one on Nagasaki on August 9, 1945.) |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
3:33 PM
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But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
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Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.
Martin Luther King, Jr. - Apr. 16, 1963
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Santana - Hold On
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listening to 70's radio... this song came on, and it was one of my late night put me to sleep songs as a child, and listening to it today was like WOW... funny how when you're a kid the words aren't so important and yet listening to what i was singing along to, i was like, that's deep.
hahahahahaha just had to share that shit.
on top of that, this song was written by Ian Thomas. yes, Dave Thomas's brother. wacky, man, totally wacky.
Don't rush me, just this once
I want to make this moment last
Slow down the pace, there's no hurry
I can't let another pass me by again
Let me be the one to say when I've had enough
Just let me, close my eyes, memorize
The way things are this minute
So when you're gone, I can go on
If memory can hold within it what I'm feeling
Should time try fading or stealing something away
Hold on, nothing's the same
Tell me why I feel this way
Life wouldn't be worth living without you
All along I've been the pretender
But now that's gone forever
Nobody's ever loved me like you do
Nobody's broken through
Got to concentrate, file away
Every last detail
I don't want to lose what's going down
I want to remember everything I'm feeling
Should time try fading or stealing something away
Hold on, nothing's the same
Tell me why I feel this way
Life wouldn't be worth living without you
All along I've been the pretender
But now that's gone forever
Nobody's ever loved me like you do
Nobody's broken throughLabels: music lover |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:12 AM
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006
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tie it to my hand
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Image by Me
my favorite poet e e cummings once wrote...
(and yes i posted this before a long time ago but it has been erased in the big clean so bite it)
The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople-- it's no use trying to pretend that mostpeople and ourselves are alike. Mostpeople have less in common with ourselves than the squarerootofminusone. You and I are human beings;mostpeople are snobs. Take the matter of being born. What does being born mean to mostpeople? Catastrophe unmitigated. Socialrevolution. The cultured aristocrat yanked out of his hyperexclusively ultravoluptuous superpalazzo,and dumped into an incredibly vulgar detentioncamp swarming with every conceivable species of undesirable organism. Mostpeople fancy a guaranteed birthproof safetysuit of nondestructible selflessness. If mostpeople were to be born twice they'd improbably call it dying--
you and I are not snobs. We can never be born enough. We are human beings;for whom birth is a supremely welcome mystery,the mystery of growing:which happens only and whenever we are faithful to ourselves. You and I wear the dangerous looseness of doom and find it becoming. Life,for eternal us,is now'and now is much to busy being a little more than everything to seem anything,catastrophic included.
Life,for mostpeople,simply isn't. Take the socalled standardofliving. What do mostpeople mean by "living"? They don't mean living. They mean the latest and closest plural approximation to singular prenatal passivity which science,in its finite but unbounded wisdom,has succeeded in selling their wives. If science could fail,a mountain's a mammal. Mostpeople's wives could spot a genuine delusion of embryonic omnipotence immediately and will accept no substitutes.
-luckily for us,a mountain is a mammal. The plusorminus movie to end moving,the strictly scientific parlourgame of real unreality,the tyranny conceived in misconception and dedicated to the proposition that every man is a woman and any woman is a king,hasn't a wheel to stand on. What their synthetic not to mention transparent majesty, mrsandmr collective foetus,would improbably call a ghost is walking. He isn't a undream of anaesthetized impersons, or a cosmic comfortstation,or a transcedentally sterilized lookiesoundiefeelietastiesmellie. He is a healthily complex,a naturally homogenous,citizen of immorality. The now of his each pitying free imperfect gesture,his any birth of breathing,insults perfected inframortally milleniums of slavishness. He is a little more than everything,he is democracy;he is alive:he is ourselves.
Miracles are to come. With you I leave a remembrance of miracles: they are somebody who can love and who shall be continually reborn,a human being;somebody who said to those near him,when his fingers would not hold a brush "tie it to my hand"--
nothing proving or sick or partial. Nothing false,nothing difficult or easy or small or colossal. Nothing ordinary or extraordinary,nothing emptied or filled,real or unreal;nothing feeble and known or clumsy and guessed. Everywhere tints childrening,innocent spontaneaous,true. Nowhere possibly what flesh and impossibly such a garden,but actually flowers which breasts are amoung the very mouths of light. Nothing believed or doubted;brain over heart, surface:nowhere hating or to fear;shadow,mind without soul. Only how measureless cool flames of making;only each other building always distinct selves of mutual entirely opening;only alive. Never the murdered finalities of wherewhen and yesno,impotent nongames of wrongright and rightwrong;never to gain or pause,never the soft adventure of undoom,greedy anguishes and cringing ecstasies of inexistence;never to rest and never to have;only to grow.
Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:33 PM
2 comments
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that was outstanding, and so creative I want to cry. I will have to read more e.e.cummings now. I remember reading him here and there without any very deep study and enjoying much of his poetry.
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i love him, he is my most favorite poet. his artwork is very interesting as well.
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FUJI
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so, it's been two weeks without a camera.
i'm going crazy.
called FUJI yesterday and it's gonna cost me to get it back. bastards. shoulda fixed it when the button fell off. but the camera actually takes super pictures so i said, ya whatever you want to charge, fine, fuck, i'll pay it. just get it back to me ASAP! i'm gonna phone tomorrow and ask how it's going. and everyday until it is back in my hands.
i need my eye on the world back. so many pictures could be being taken. ahhhhhhhhh my new jeans, my sunshine, my cats, the flowers, bunnies, birds, ponds, beaches, icecream, bird nests... |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 AM
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all we are
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...are blogs.
our blogs, some extension of some version of some of us.
words. tricked into meaning something when all they are are letters in cyberspace.
we can not contain a heart in them,
we can not contain a mind,
we can not contain a soul in them.
we can not ever truly be real behind a screen,
behind a cable, behind a wire,
a satellite in space, drifting... spinning,
sending signals here or there. anywhere.
life is more than little boxes. little 1's and 0's.
life is more than silence coffins filled with words of cowards or heros.
i am not these words. there is no me in them.
i am their writer. i am their typist.
but they are not, can not, shall not, ever be,
me.
strangers ponder, and think them evidence of truth. of a life.
but i do not pretend to know Wordsworth through Daffodils.
but i do not pretend to know Shakespeare through Hamlet.
but i do not pretend to know Cummings through am was
(my favorite of his works)
no, to them i am far more than a stranger.
i am merely - a reader.
and, thus, as a writer - you merely read me. |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:10 PM
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♥
The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk
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A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
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♥THE LOVE BLOG♥
presents:
♥THE SPREADER OF LOVE♥
♥AWARD♥ |
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Barbara,
Your blog sounds as if you might appreciate Spencer's work. We have an unoffical site, www.thespencertunickforum.org for those of us who have posed, who want to or who just like Spencer's art. We have news photos, some of Spencer's art, accounts of past and recent installations, and info on when the next ones we know about are.
My wife and i have posed 3 times in the USA and I posed in Lyon, France last year. For an account of France see my Blogger blog for April- or find it posted on our group. No porn, and no spam!
Roger