i forgot to mention this earlier - totally slipped my mind until this moment
as you know my friend Rod Burn (Black Alley) also fronts the band Sonic City which features The Rock and Roll Kid Danny Sveinson - well for the last while they had a film crew following the kid, and the movie is at the Film Festival tonight and October 5th and 10th. so if you feel like checking out the kid and seeing Rod "the charmer" Burn on the big screen go for it.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:31 PM 0 comments
wow eh. um. yes well you see i don't want there to ever be anything to hide about myself. after living a lie for 6.5+ years i can't stand for bullshit. from me or anyone. thus the total openness of my remarks.
(me and my grandma in 1993 just before my grandpa died, posing with my new car, i named the geo - Jane - in 1996 my dad decided to sell Jane to my cousin without even asking me...)
my grandmother went into the hospital. her lungs are full of fluid. she'd been taking too much medication. her heart rate had slowed to 36 beats per minute. my aunt called to let me know. my mom is driving home. phyllis will be in for a few nights probably. unless like last time she has a stroke. like i said, time for her is ticking.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
8:08 PM 0 comments
not that i ever need such things but all this heavy time in my life has been forcing me to be very real with myself. so i figured i might as well share some of this with you.
i can look back at this year all ready and see how momentous it was for me. it truly was/is - as i was telling you readers around the end of last year it would be... my transformation.
it's been a long time coming. looooong.
you see, i never really liked myself for the last oh 13 years... until now. and here is why.
in 1992 i thought i had it all figured out. cock sure fucking 19 year old bitch with nothing to loose. i didn't know shit. but i thought i did boy. i thought i knew everything about everything. i was living on my own, with the man i was IN love with and working and struggling and living. i was an idiot but i didn't know because i was happy and i loved myself. then one crisp october sunday morning i kissed him goodbye and drove to have dinner with my best friend - my mom.
i never made it.
i felt cursed. i felt like the universe hated me being happy. that at 19 i had finally found myself and was happy and the universe just came along and ripped it all out from under me. and i was pissed at the universe for it.
after being unable to walk or have a life for all those 7 months of recovery, feeling helpless and stuck, i was miserable. and i always felt so terribly alone. deep inside it just ached at me. now i've never felt i was all that attractive but i know damn well that people have always been attracted to me and i've never had any problem attracting men. i hated to be alone. so i found someone to worship me and put up with my misery. then another and married him. i fumbled through years in deep inner pain wondering why this was the course of my life. i had not wanted it.
i had been robbed of my choice. i was angry. deeply pained and angry. and i let other people love me because it gave me some sense of belonging to this life. but eventually i realized i was empty. took me almost 6 years to realize i'd been walking around empty of life, i was an idiot.
you see, i was so hung up on all the things i lost in 92 that i couldn't grasp that i could have just began again. so in 97-98 i did. i got divorced, totally destroying my husband, which i felt like utter crap for for a long time and still feel guilty that i hurt him. and i got over my first true love. and i began building myself a life for me.
and i was happy. i was crazy busy and on the go, i was writing, i was taking in as much music and life as i could handle.
but as a consequence of not really knowing who i was all those years, i had allowed my father in to my life. i was working for him. he was financially controlling me. so as free as i was, living in a townhouse nearly totally paid for, and a car paid for, and making 40,000+ a year... i had it pretty easy, but my life was not my own. it was being controlled. and anytime i even peeped about moving on, doing something creative, going to school, more money would come my way.
i began to be sick of myself.
you see i grew up with handme downs and nothing special. as i as i commented early on that previous post, my dad left us when i was 5 1/2 - my mom barely made enough to get by, in fact i think she didn't but some how she always made sure the 3 of us were okay. she struggled hard and we probably took it all for granted because when you are a kid you don't get that shit, you don't know what it is like for your parents until you look back as an adult.
and i started to. and i started to really resent the money i was being controlled by. i mean hell, i inherited it as an adult why wasn't i just allowed to do what i wanted? but again, i was fragile and mentally fractured and destroyed and weak and it was easy to manipulate me.
then the spring and summer of 99 happened to me. i fell in love. can i say again, i was an idiot. for a smart person i could really act stupid.
you see, i was being selfish. totally like me, thinking of only myself and what would make me happy. oh i'm sure he would have left her eventually on his own because we had talked about it and it seemed as if that was what would happen but i wasn't willing to wait. looking back i am not proud of myself. looking back i can understand why when he finally did leave her he didn't consider me worth anything. i was an idiot. and the rejection fucking stung.
and then right on top of that, a man came along who worshipped me and in this way, totally manipulated me. pulled the wool over my eyes something wicked. i suppose i was ripe for such a thing being that i had just fucked up so badly and needed to be wanted even if it wasn't by the man i was in love with. then the worshipper's true nature started to leech out and i started to shake off the sting of rejection and suddenly the rejector was asking for me. and yup i was idiot.
common thing that. me being an idiot for the last 13 years.
so i did the dumbest thing ever. and i paid the price.
in the end the man i was in love with was driven away, and the manipulator/worshipper was controlling my life. i went from one man controlling me with money (my father) to another man controlling me for that money.
finally a years ago, i realized i would walk away from the relationship with nothing. i came to terms with it because i grew up with nothing. as troublesome as my childhood had been being without money - living with my mom and brother were the happiest days. taking joy in those moments when we had very little but we'd do something extra special together... that was love man, that was fucking brilliant love. like my brother and i watching movies, and knowing the lines and counting the time in the commercials, or mom renting us video games and staying up to the wee hours with her playing them. that was real life.
no, years ago i came to terms with the fact i was going to let that man waste every dime i had because it really didn't matter. it was easier than trying to fight him. i knew i'd walk away with nothing and start over. clean slate.
and in april i did.
now i stumbled those first months because you know the universe has it's own little curve balls to throw at you. little tests. never did i expect to be presented with the opportunity to see the man i was actually in love with again. and i fumbled on my clean slate. but it did however help me get over him finally. at first i felt very needy and lonely. and fumbled over the summer days being charmed by yet another man from my past.
but you see i swore i wouldn't get involved with anyone ever again unless i was:
(a) in love (b) had really gotten to know the person really well and they were my best friend first and (c) i was on my own two feet again and loving myself.
and at the end of august i realized none of those things were going on and i was failing myself. so i kicked it in high gear to get (c) on the go and swore off the idea of (b) in a few cases because i figured no way (a) would ever happen in those cases. and i'm still just working on (c).
timing is everything
and i'm not going to ever be an idiot again.
ok yup i think (a) has happened to me out of the fucking blue. it so wasn't what i went out looking for that night. but i'm okay with that. oddly in a way the circumstances force (b) to happen... which is a good thing
because i'm done settling for someone that isn't (a) in that requirement and i'm done rushing into everything without doing (b). and i've got too much (c) to be working on anyway.
which is why if (a) doesn't work out like the universe has done to me the last 2 times... well it really is okay
because for the first time in my life i love myself, i know who i am, and i am in control of the future. i know i will be... truly me in the life ahead of me. and this time coming up, when i sing I Have A Dream, when i inherit money, no one will control me but me.
for the first time i am not being an idiot.
except for my lack of sleep. haha that i should get more of. but i can sleep in some tomorrow so it's all good. good night blog land.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:22 AM 0 comments
as i mentioned back on august 31st i have been warming up to my voice these days. singing. always been in me to do. as i also mentioned my grandma (mom's adopted mom) asked me to sing at my grandpa's funeral in 93. he died of lung cancer a year after my accident. i was still pretty emotionally unable to deal with so much, i declined having to deal with singing for Max. my grandpa Max was my favorite. he'd play get your nose with me and called me Babs. i still miss him, i wish i'd had more time with him as an adult. at the funeral they played I Have A Dream. seeing that i had always been a crazy ABBA child, i told myself when my grandmother's time comes, and we rest her next to Max, i would sing that song for her. Phyllis has 99% blockage in an artery in her neck. sadly time is ticking. and i'm singing grandpa Max, i'm singing, imagining you at the piano singing too.
(i think i've posted this image before but it was a month before he died - his last birthday)
i really should get back on my scanathon and scan some more pics
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:38 PM 2 comments
I didn't want to risk being too presumptuous in replying to your earlier post in which you stated "I have never had a father", however the thought that instantly came to me keeps getting reinforced: "Are you sure about that?"
clearly in the sense of biological and matter of fact - of course i have a father. he was just never really around ever, and when he did come around there were string attached to everything he did.
he uses money to try to control people, to make them like him, he thinks having money earns him respect, but he disrespects and treats everyone around him like dirt. he is a negative person, and never has anything positive to say.
he left my mom when i was 5 1/2 and pretty much hardly ever was around in my life. throughout my teens i never saw him, as i was too "weird" for him to be seen with. in my 20s i thought i'd give it a try and get to know him, so i worked for his company for 8 years, and allowed him to manipulate me and control my life.
finally one day i cracked and had enough. i didn't talk to him or see him in 4-5 years until i moved here 6 months ago. he hasn't changed and he resents that i have any free will to be myself. he has never tried to accept me for who i am. i'm tired of butting heads with him over common decency.
i have never had a dad in the sense of some father figure in my life to turn to.
as much as i adored my grandfather, my grandmother kept my side of the family at a distance (she a lot like my dad). my grandparents raised my two cousins and i was the black sheep hahaha which kills me given the reasons that my cousins were being raised by them. as much as my grandpa loved me, i honestly didn't get enough time with him, which is why i wish he hadn't died when i was 20.
*sigh*
i have however always had an older brother who was like a best friend. my mom too, she's like a best friend. the 3 of us are/were tight. most of the time is was just us and us alone.
Charles (played by Hugh Grant who i adore) and Carrie, the characters, meet and fall for one another but the timing is never right. at the end of the movie Charles is at the church going to marry Hen and Carrie shows up and she’s divorced, and Hugh Grant goes into the back room of the church and says:
"Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to, ah, say in this magnificent place of worship... Bugger! Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!"
YUP
seems that is the universe’s little joke on me.
*shrug*
(Unity Project Submission)
not like i haven't been here before, so i know i'll survive.
(i always survive - nothing really phases me)
but it's typical.
as i have explained, i think there is a big difference between love for someone and being IN love with someone. i've been IN love twice in my life. once with Max, i was crazy about him from 92-98. of course we were only together for 92, and briefly in 93 and again briefly in 94. it took me that long just to get over it. then in 99 i fell IN love with Matt. of course, well, that didn't work out either did it and it took me until this summer to get over that nonsense.
when the IN happens to me – boy it sticks.
i know that sounds heartless of me considering the love relationships i had while i wasn't with the people i was actually IN love with but like i said the universe has its own idea of what it wants for me. and i never pressure other people to bend to my wishes. i want everyone out there to be happy, to be what they choose to be, and live their lives as they choose.
Trouble is the common denominator of living. It is the great equalizer.
- Soren Kierkegaard
(Unity Project Submission)
my life has always been about being the zero.
balance to me is the key.
i used to be high strung.
now i'm the ocean, calm and steady always, even when there are storms on the surface, i just smile. after everything i've lived through – nothing rattles me. inside my mind races at high speed, sometimes my tongue can barely get out what my brain is thinking. i think that comes as a price for being a so-called genius (but i still don't trust those tests).
these days i just keep singing The Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes well you might find, you get what you need."
Patience is necessary, and one cannot reap immediately where one has sown.
-Soren Kierkegaard
*shrug*
on goes my life, not so unlike how it always has. i can't complain.
i was going to go view a suite on my way home
but they called me to tell me they rented it this afternoon.
booooo. oh well - i will continue my search.
wrote this on my lunch hour
was going to post it later but it's nearly 430 pm
and there is just me and two other co-workers here in main office
killing the last bits of the work day
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:20 PM 2 comments
yes hahaha i didn't notice the 4:20 that's hilarious, so not what i was doing... and yes i am sure single men do do so on a regular basis. some single women do too.
well since THE SUMMER OF B is done... now begins the AUTUMN
...(i think that sounds better than FALL because baby i ain't falling i'm flying)...
my brother, the greatest brother ever, has offered to let me take his car for as long as i need one, or get one myself. so... really all i have to do is find a place to live. i'm getting giddy thinking about it.
when i was 19 i moved out with girlfriends and ended up living with Max until the accident sent me to hospital and recovery back with mom. then i sorta lived at DH's place in north vancouver - i was there enough, until i met Iggy and we got married. then after we separated i lived alone for a few years in my townhouse. that's the only time i've been totally alone. then K moved in and we spent those 6.5+ years together... and living here the last 6 months has been so UNfree... damn i'm so looking forward to walking around in my underwear and not having to argue over who should do what chore.
yesterday i went to lunch with Robby Luvdub. he has a shop now just a few minutes drive from my work. so we went for munchies together. nice having a friend so close by.
they are digging up the parking lot out front my window at work, adding some water main. so it's been amusing watching the men at work.
amusing myself on the drives:
(video of Brown Eyed Girl on my drive home* Sept 26 2006)
(video of Blinded By The Light on my drive home* Sept 26 2006)
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:53 PM 1 comments
Heya! Sorry its been a while. Lofe is kinda strange right now. Im so happy you are going to be moving soon. Solitude is so healing. I think I said that once before. Your brother is the best! :o)
so after a little chat with my father last night, my moving out plans have been moved up. seems like November 1st i will be finally back out on my own.
i can't wait. i will but you know...
i appreciate everything my family has done for me during my transition but it is time and i am thankful that we have come to an agreement to speed up my move. i will not miss the long drives to work or the constant tension that living with my father these last 6 months has caused. i don't know how my brother G does it but i'm moving out.
yup 2007 will be my year baby. my year.
now to find an apartment AND a car all in one month !!!!!!!!!
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:00 AM 5 comments
So you and all your drunk/hungover still-costumed Halloween party buddies are going to be moving your stuff on the morning of Nov 1? Not so easy carrying a grand piano up a seven story circular staircase whilst inebriated while donning oversized furry Barney-feet slippers and a too-long bedsheet with misaligned ragged eyeholes.
BTW, I notice that your blogging is now taking place DURING WORK HOURS - when the boss is away the bloggers will play, eh? (hey, I'm poetic! :) Be careful B (again!), you could end up as a "volunteer" project in the Ebola lab...
actually Ron, i wrote that in the morning but blogger won't post, so i tried again when i had a moment at 10 am and it still was being pissy. but posted it at lunch when blogger finally worked for me - and forgot to change the time. whatever. right now the main man is on holiday and i have some free time to quickly attempt to publish things that won't work when i tried in the morning. me and the main man's son had the tunes cranked loud in the office as we were the only ones there!
thanks for the love P and yes vesper, Vancouver or North Vancouver... moving will happen when it happens, it isn't like i have to be out on exactly the first here, so we'll see. who knows maybe i'll end up moving sooner.
haha!!! i am a romantic but whatever, i am not in a RUSH for anything really, i plan to take everything slow and easy. i'm a very realistic person. i'm just hopeful about this new situation.
i am a no bullshit type of person i'm a blunt bitch i'm true
i think it is a scary thing to a lot of folks they say i'm self aware brave damn straight i am the only fear there is for me is me and i know exactly who i am i know exactly what i want i won't settle for less i won't settle
i did that once settled into something i thought i had to be loyal to for the sake of loyalty that isn't happiness that's complacency fooling yourself into thinking that is how it should be
no way baby, no way life does have ups and downs but truly it is you who makes it happen go out take a chance i'm alive i'm a giant i'm an oversized load of life and i'll break through no matter what on my own i'm learning to fly
one day i'll soar
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
8:48 PM 1 comments
during the summer my niece (she'll be 7 in a month) would have her girlfriend over and they'd put on a fashion show. i'd be the announcer and music. i introduced her to The Stray Cats this was her favorite song, Sexy & 17
she and her friend would rock out to it
when i was young (like 12 i think) i had a black tee shirt with the stray cats logo on it
this summer off was exactly what i needed
i can't begin to thank my brother enough for letting me just be
G is the coolest older brother a sister could ask for
i am working off 3 hours of sleep
i think i will go for a soak in the hot tub and crash early tonight
the job is rocking by the way
i can't wait for 2007
being in my own space
just being B
:)
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
7:47 PM 0 comments
if rule number 1 is people talk rule number 2 is people lie and rule number 3 is people are idiots
me? i'm pretty good at secrets. i still keep some that really have no difference whether they are told now or not. what do i care. i've had perfect strangers treat me as though i am a confessional. i have that nature about me. strangers love to talk to me. specially the strange strangers. i suppose it comes from being un-judgmental. my nature of acceptance must be like a magnet. i know we're all human. we're all idiots. even me.
i'm the type of idiot that is easily convinced to jump in head first without looking. no matter what i tell myself about never doing that again. oh i swear, i won't rush, i won't be that impulsive B. i swear.
but will i keep my word to myself. that's the real question.
typically i'm practical B. thinking all the time this big brain of mine.
frankly lately i've been entirely self absorbed. this blog a perfect example of it. no one really matters as much as me - to me. you don't have to give a shit. frankly i won't care either way if you do or don't. my life. my selfishness.
any of you who have been along for all the years would note that gone are my long posts about the state of the world, the posts about whales and the environment. mostly this year since i wiped my life in april, this blog has been overly outwardly personal. that public toilet. come on in and take a piss.
and do i care. totally not.
why not? why should i? i'm an idiot.
but that's beside the point. point is - there is no point.
life is a series of events somehow imagined before our setting foot into the days of our sleep walks. we get what we want. we might not always know exactly what we want, and this is the sticker. we are vague little creatures and our flippant wishes come true and yet we condemn them for doing so. yes, we are idiots.
what am i talking about? i don't even know. i'm an idiot.
but even idiots deserve love.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
1:58 PM 0 comments
I did get your mesage...it was warmest bestest one out of all 10 that filled my mailbox...tingles. he took his blog down...I believe he has another one or two up...I think. He likes the ususal change.
my niece opened up a bit today. said she hates her grandpa. explained that he ruins her nice clothes. asked if i could help make sure he doesn't ruin them in the wash. told her grandma bev that the kids at school last year teased her because everything is wrinkled and she needs to have her clothing ironed. it was good to see her open up.
i wonder how much my father actually absorbed of it and how much he just ignored.
bev is trying to convince him that seeing a theraptist to learn how to communicate would a be a good thing. brave woman. i love her.
last night we all watched a movie together and had popcorn. my father hates the smell of popcorn but i didn't hear him bitch this time. i think his ego has been taking a beating lately with everyone coming down on him for the way he is and how it has been negatively affecting my niece. (not to mention the rest of us.)
(me as a baby with the greatest dog ever)
on friday i ran into Chris Mark. he was plastered. told me he was an alcoholic. said he didn't know anything about me but found it odd running into me. i doubt he'll remember. he was beyond drunk as was his wife. he seemed so sad. but we choose our lives. we make whatever happens happen and only we can make the changes to our lives to make it better for ourselves.
in the last days i got a lovely email from Beata in texas. made some graphic artwork for Black Alley, and Rod might use some [edit 5:37 pm: hey he is using them for the song images, sweet.]. got an email from Cynthia and we might do tea sometime soon. it's been a lovely week. next week my boss is on holidays so work should be pretty easy. give me a chance to get a little more settled into the office. i still hope to be able to buy a car by the end of next month. hopefully plan to move by december. i'm looking forward to my own space.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:32 PM 6 comments
Those are the sweetest pics. And you havent changed a bit! adorable. Your niece sounds very intelligent. How old is she? If shes big enough tell her to put her clothes in the dryer for 10 minutes and the wrinkles will be gone. :o) Maybe that will help a bit.
You were an extremely photogenic baby. Those expressions are priceless, especially the second one: Pure Bliss.
Our dog when we were kids was our Aunt and Uncle's German Shepherd. My brother and I got to name him when he was a puppy so we named him "Tango" after the Mango-Tango ice cream we had just scarfed down. He was a great guard dog but he would let us two do anything with him. When our obnoxious alcoholic second-uncle visited from Germany, however, the dog bit him. Quite amusing.
Nice to see that kids are as mean as ever. Children teasing about un-ironed clothes - must have learned that from the steady diet of GAP and Tommy Hilfiger brainwashvertizing they are fed 24/7.
It was upon entering kindergarten that I got my first huge reality-check. Up until then I thought people were all good and happy like me. Humans are true pack/herd animals - most of them may be good individually, but the more of them there are together the stupider they become until eventually you get S.S. Totenkopf camp guards.
"Rod burn" sounds like a malady which can afflict men after too much fun. (sorry - had to)
yes i always hated being at elementary school for that reason. i remember one day in grade 5 or 6 it was, and the "popular" girls asked my friend Jem (right in front of me) why she was hanging out with such a loser. Jem rocked, and said because i was her best friend. i was always a weirdo. i've never been "normal". i used to cut my own hair and act weird even at that age!!
i think with my niece the issue is that she lives in a very UPSCALE neighbourhood and we aren't those fancy fucks that the rest of them are. so the children are being raised by shallow fluff bitches and their attitudes are seaping into the children even at that age. sad thing really.
and yes, the Burn makes me giggle. i don't know why he doesn't just use his real name.
okay as you readers probably noted there was no post yesterday.
again i took a friday off from blogland.
you see my friend Max (yes we are just friends people, just friends!) was going to go with me to see Andy Collins and a few days ago bowed out to stay in this weekend and rest up. i'm totally understanding, and was thinking maybe i'd be too tired to go anyway.
but all friday i tossed the idea around.
the sweetness that is Chad and Andy suggested i come down alone anyway.
when i got home after work i was pretty zonked. but my niece's grandparents are here for the weekend. so that means they are staying the guest room that connects to my bathroom and i figured what the hell i need to get out. so i sleep walked through a shower and thought, nah i am too tired. then i thought nah i should go. put myself together, as i left i said "oh i won't be late i'm too tired" and drove down for the show.
uber glad i did.
i didn't take one picture. wasn't feeling it. i left at 3:30am
i'm sleepy today. doing laundry. staying in. my brother and niece and her grandparents (her mom's folks) are out at ChuckECheese. i didn't feel like dealing with that place tonight. so i'm sitting here listening to some Curve. thinking.
oh and i think i fell in love last night. but there is only one word to sum it up. BUGGER.
don't ask.
i'm going to drink some tea and try to stop thinking.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
5:22 PM 1 comments
big science news: Scientists have unearthed the oldest child ever discovered—the fossil remains of what appears to be a girl dating back 3.3 million years.
The remarkably complete skeleton, of a child no more than three years old, offers new clues on how the early ancestors of humans blurred the line between us and the other great apes. While the child from the waist down is similar to upright walkers like humans, her upper body is surprisingly apelike, including curved finger bones almost as long as a chimp's, suited for scrambling up trees.
i thought that was a cool thing i'd share in case you hadn't heard.
i'm pooped. i'm adjusting to my early mornings. i need a good sleep.
i wonder sometimes what my dad has done to my cats. lydia is a such a doll, she's cuddle queen, and even if i am holding her in my arms and my dad walks anywhere in the area, she panics and struggles to get out of my arms to flee. and sometimes hisses at him.
reason whatever number to move. ugh. i know they want me to stick around for christmas but i'm thinking not.
did i mention my aunt came back. upon her return she got sick. my cousin, her daughter is a nurse and told her to go to the hospital. she did, she stayed there a few nights. now she's resting up at home. family.
my niece's new grade two teacher has informed my dad and brother that my niece has problems and should see the school counselor. she cries a lot when she doesn't know something at school and has social issues interacting. ummmmmm i would refrain from comment on the cause but who has been the one around her the most and who isn't capable of raising children? ummmmm you know money can buy you a nice house, a nice car, a nice superficial life, but it can't buy you love and it can't buy a family or a relationship.
on that note: Lamb lyrics: all i've known all i've done all i've felt was leading to this wanna stay right here 'til the end of time, 'til the earth stops turning gonna love you 'til the seas run dry i've found the one i've waited for
People without kids have plenty of insight. But if you havent been a parent or taken care of a child for a good amount of time. Its very hard to know how to deal with them.
Im sorry to hear about your niece. Maybe she isnt getting proper encouragment. Poor thing. I hope she is alright. Dont let anyone talk your Nieces parents into making her take medication. It wont help. (not assuming they will suggest it, but in case)
Your kitty, Its terrible when things happen to animals, they are so helpless. What the hell, its not like they have done physical harm to your father or his house. Why is he treating them cruelly?
ya, i haven't had children but there are some common sense things that my dad seems totally lacking.
had a fab talk with my niece's grandma Bev today about it all. we both think my father, my brother and my niece should all going to see a family therapist together to learn how to communicate. it would be a start.
i feel like dirt because i just want to move out and get on with my own life. i appreciate my brother wants me to stick around and be here to help him but frankly this isn't my life. this isn't my place. this was temporary.
(a) because i have my kitty lydia snuggled up major in my lap... i so can't just get up and wreck her mommy time. they hate i'm gone all day. i am. this commute adds up to a loooooong day.
(b) i wanna say that i'm posting blogs now and again on myspace. typically about the music i am devouring over there. i love music. today i had a fun myspace conversation with Brian. he made me snort. i've told you, if you really make me laugh i snort. and i snorted. thanks Brian.
(c) that song in the last post was by Jesus & Mary Chain. the song in this post is from one of my secret favorite bands... Styx... Mr. Roboto...
i love this. when i was young i hardly ate. i thought i was fat. no lie. i would buy endless fashion magazines and think "oh gawd why can't i look that thin". i know some of it is photo tricks but a lot of it is bone thin chicks. the popular girls were bulimic and held one another's hair in the can. i never did that. i just didn't eat. i'd love to see a more natural representation of women in fashion. and fuck those designers who don't get it, they should make clothing for dolls if they want unrealistic bodies.
SPCA Paws for a Cause Walk has raised over $600,000 for the animals. THANKS again to those of you who donated to my walk for the cause. there are still a few cities in BC to do the walk and you can STILL donate to the cause if you feel like it... do it > here <
and to end it off... something i all ready knew about myself
∴ Ophelia ∴ had this on her blog on myspace so i did one too:
What occult Power best suits you ?
Your Result: Clairoyance
you have the ability of clear seeing . things that are not in sight or cannot be seen , you have the ability to see spirits and know the future . this is often useful in seanse's and summoning spirits .
good to hear about how much money the paws for a cause collected. I was talking to Andrews best friend and her said he's going to adopt a doggy from the pound. I gushed. :o)
Ive always felt akward. Especially growing up. I try everyday to appreciate who I am every time I scrutinize myself. Whos knows where we got the original idea to feel this way as women. Its a mystery. I think some designers are catching on. Ive seen alot great clothes out there for curvy women. But oh my the prices are so much higher then you would think. Thats a whole other problem. lol
i'm tired. there is no time to blah blah tonight so i will leave you with my two thoughts:
the best part of being single and alone : i don't have to shave ;)
the worst part of being single and alone : the cold showers ;)
but it's how it has to be i suppose. and i can always have sex dreams about Gary Oldman... and yes i know he's like 48 but damn he is a hot bastard, i've always had a thing for him. oh gary come bite me. i'll even shave!
okay i'm off to the shower! smoochies to blog land
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:22 PM 3 comments
this is an old journal from September 2002 (originally uploaded November 10 2002 onto wiredsecret):
I love cookies, cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, fudge, tootsie pops, and pretty much anything chocolate with caramel, and lots of sugar. Kit Kats at Extra Foods 2 for 98 cents - Oh ya.
I gave up smoking cigarettes a few years ago. I was never a hardcore smokaholic but my mom smoked all my youth, and so I was inclined to smoke too. All those years of breathing in her second hand death made me want for it. That and it made me less nervous in social situations if I had something to do with my hands. Grand gestures swirling smoke about seemed cooler than I somehow thought I was. Inhaling and waiting for everyone to find out I was a fraud. (I still wait.) But in the end I hated that smell that leeches into your house, your car, your clothing, even your fingers. And that taste, that vile ashtray mouth that comes after a night of hard living.
I gave up dancing all night in smoky clubs. Although here the city imposed laws against cigarette smoking in the clubs by about the same time I decided to kick the habit. Smoke machines are still allowed though, go figure? No dancing meant I started to get lazy. And the man stuck in my life loved to bake. Trays and trays of cookies. Of cakes. I watched my thighs expand. Marveled at the weight I was gaining. It was almost a novelty. Food became my substitute for heavy drinking, for smoking cigarettes, for much missed...
As a teenager I was slightly anorexic, a tall thin pole. (Actually I am part Polish. Sorry I thought that was funny so I threw it in. I’m not a comedian.) At nineteen I weighed 115. I am about 5 foot 8 inches tall, so I was thin. Then I had a car accident that changed my physical capabilities. I gained a few pounds and leveled out at 135 in my early twenties. So putting on weight was a novelty (as I said before). The stress accumulating in my life in these last years contributed to my eating habit. Feeling down? Eat a dozen cookies. Hell, eat two. By Christmas of 2001 I was rounding out nicely, and topped in at 159. I had booty for once in my life. But it had to end. I swore there was no way I would ever let my weight go over that. I swore that 2002 would see me lose all that extra fat.
Nine months later, here we are about to head into September. I weighed myself a few days ago, and I am 133. So I feel like it is an accomplishment. I would love to lose a few more, and level out at 125 by December. Wish me luck. I drink far more water now and eat a lot healthier. I feel good. But I still love to chew the fat.
(pic of me in the bathroom of the Shabusen - this is like the 3rd shot and it still turned out blurry - i so wasn't in a photography mode that night...)
i thought that was a cool post to bring back.
i still weigh 133! that i'm doing good on. unfortunately i started smoking back in March again, after all those years of not. i'm still not a heavy smoker, but when i feel a little wigged out these days it is my first and only vice. oh i like to drink now and again, but i'm not a big drinker either. usually having to drive keeps me from getting slammed.
i still totally lack any self confidence in my appearance. it befuddles me when people tell me i'm beautiful or compliment me on my appearance. i've never seen what other people see. it astonishes me that any one at all finds me attractive. i've always felt lucky to have somehow convinced some attractive men to fancy me. i'm not being humble. i know personality wise i am fucking fabulous. but this sack of water i reside in constantly makes me feel... not ugly... no... but totally awkward. i used to wish i was short. wish i was blonde. wish i was so many things. i don't now, i am what i am. but i still wake up and look in the mirror and wonder... when will my luck run out.
i do say though that people constantly thinking i am about 10-14 years younger than i actually am helps. that shit feels good. oh ya.
working again is a kick. i'm glad. it fills me with purpose. the people are pretty cool and if all continues on well in the long run, i will have my own office away from the front desk and they will hire another woman just to answer the phones and stuff. that would be sweet.
so should i move to east vancouver or go crazy and move to north vancouver?
east van might be cheaper and more places to rent... but north van would be in the wilderness and i love to be in the woods. i miss living on burnaby mountain for this reason. i loved my home on the hill in the trees over the creek in the silence. but east van could be more practical for a social life and everything else. but north van would be closer to work and really since i'm going to be alone what difference does it make for me to be closer to downtown, the city. the city is hell. i'd love to be in the trees. ah. i know i have time to figure it out but knowing it is a possible thing and this 2 hours a day in traffic are spurring me to think ahead and plan. plan. plan.
of course you'll all be invited to the house warming. for what to bring me see the post above!
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:22 PM 4 comments
my night last night was lovely. i arrive at The Dance Centre (@ Granville & Davie) for rehearsals, and then Max Murphy and i went to eat at Shabusen - 2993 Granville Street Vancouver (Japanese & Korean) and i had some lovely sushi and yummies.
after stuffing ourselves and me sneaking a bathroom snapshot, we drove back to the Dance Centre for an evening of Bob's Lounge. it is a part of the Battery Opera. it is a very funny event filled with music and dance. highly creative. i suggest if you enjoy such entertainment - you should experience this one day. David McIntosh and Lee Su-Feh are two very wonderful and talented creative beings.
i didn't take a lot of photos.
there will be a Battery Opera performance on Thursday Sept 21 2006 at Simon Fraser University Theatre (Noon time). check the web site for future events and info.
everything was over at midnight so i didn't make it to see Nairne's gig. sorry Nairne. next time.
i'm chilling today, doing laundry and getting mentally prepared for a week of work.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:44 PM 0 comments
yes well i am the one woman office extraordinaire wizard - "administrative assistant" for a biotech corp. - naturally i have signed a confidentiality agreement and i can not discuss to much about things i will learn about secrets of the company.
i can tell you it is "an innovative environmental biotechnology company that is providing an organic waste management solution" and they have a patented machine that "digests organic waste materials and produces biological fertility products"
i commute an hour each way right now... ugh. but it's cool. next week will be crazy. 13 people from china i believe it is [edit: it was Hong Kong], are coming for a tour of the plant... friday was a day with the old girl so she could show me the ins and outs as best as she could in a day! monday i am totally on my own in my new position... crazy times!
i hope that in the next while i can save up to get my own car. then to move closer to my job to get away from the commute each day.
my kitties missed me. i spent this morning cuddling them in bed. two cats on my legs another crammed into my armpit. they don't like it when i'm gone. which is why moving closer would be good. then they wouldn't have to be stuck here with "the mean guy" all day.
naturally my brother doesn't want me to go, says i can stay and use his car as long as i like. my brother ROCKS but the issue will always be my father. i think my early hours will now be the thing that sticks in his craw. it's always something. first even though he agreed to let me take the summer to get my head on straight, in his eyes i was a bum and not doing enough to appease him and now me getting up early will be a problem because i will wake before his schedule. i shower and get ready for work each morning. i'm not going to ever change that about myself. it wakes me up and gets me going - fresh. this will be his new problem with me.
i'd bet on it.
plus i get home later than his scheduled dinner time, and my brother is offering to move it a little later to make it family time and include me... ummm ya... i can see the problems before they come up. no way my father is going to move around HIS schedule... oh yes, my brother rocks and i wish i could stay and hang with him, but my father and i will never be able to live together. i need my own space. me and the kitties.
my love horoscope for Saturday, September 16:
Ever eaten an unripe pear? It's dry, tasteless and unyielding. Far better to let it sit on the tree and ripen. In other words, why be in such a rush? Your love life will pick up when it's good, ripe and ready.
HA HA HA
i'm going to have Korean food tonight for dinner. then a little performance show and then after hopefully go catch Nairne's band play. i said i would when we talked on the phone... even though now i've looked at the band line up and i'm... well... fuck it... should i care who might be there? damn this small fishing town. damn it!!!!!!!!
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
3:24 PM 10 comments
Isabella wants to know your cats name, shes calling it heart because of the heart on your blog. haha
I hate when you can predict what your family will say/complain about next. But having brothers are great. They will always be there for you no matter what. Thats the one person I miss the most out in California. It was nice living with him as an adult and seeing how much he has changed. He actually took alot of my advice when we were younger and a ton of my ideals, it just took him 6 or more years to put it to use. Pretty cool.
Just keep thinking positive and everything will happen exactly how it should. I like that horoscope. Its so true. :o)
congratulations on the job. not to worry, everything will fall into place soon. you'll always be wonderful but your dad will always be difficult. much better to be you in this world. cheers and hugs, Katie
i'm sleepy. i've been up since 6. my commute is long but i don' t mind, i crank the tunes and sing while i drive. i'm a working stiff again. hi ho hi ho soaked in the hot tub for a good 40 minutes tonight. the little rewards for the big damn bugs.
i know you think i'm woo woo out there and i really don't give a damn
this is a clip from a fab movie about elvis, called Bubba Ho-Tep anybody would love this movie even if they don't love elvis
i'm working with sand here!
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:26 PM 4 comments
first - news - i got a job today. i start tomorrow. i'm going to bed WAY early... so starts the commute. i will however buy my own car and then move in the next months, now that i know where i'm working and it's allllllllllll goooooooood.
second - Jas and i were discussing journals the other day. i've always kept one, since i can remember. for awhile i had a one of those calendar ones plus a blank book i wrote in all year. i was digging through my box of stuff and found my calendar for 1998 (it was a number 9 year - see previous pist re: me and number 9's).
so i thought i'd share with you some things i noted down on it... as it was a transitional year for me, not as much as this one has been but still... i can't believe how busy i was... remember on top of all these things, i was working full time from 8 to 4:30 monday to friday.
1998 (number 9)
january 3 my friend Nairne came to hang out and the next day it snowed. january 9 i had a strata meeting. (i was on the strata council for my townhouse community.) january 11 i removed the wallpaper in the 2nd bedroom. when i bought the townhouse in 1997 there was wallpaper everywhere. i spent so many hours removing, filling, sanding, painting. my blood, sweat and tears went into that place 1700 sq feet. january 14 i had an ortho appointment, i had braces on my teeth for a second time in my life. january 17 i had a writing group meeting. in 1997 i took a writing course and after we formed a group. me, Yarik Rombalski, Cheryl Draper and Jessica Bradford continued on quite some time. january 18 my great friend Calvin Stone and my dad replaced the flooring in the bathroom and did more fixing up of the house. january 24 calvin and my dad are back to do more work on the place, the next day i took the 4 fat cats to the vet for their check up.
february 5th Nairne's band Eventide plays in white rock. february 7th i went to see my great friend Kristi for a facial. i had dinner at my grandma's the next day. february 11th i had my braces removed and renewed my mortgage, 400 every two weeks. february 13th, another strata meeting and we all drank after at Allen's, he had a great wine cellar, and liked the port. february 19 my brother turned 29 so on the 22nd we did dinner. on the 23rd of february i hung out with nairne for some beers. on the 27th there was another strata meeting and the next night calvin and nairne came over to hang out at my place and watch movies.
march 3rd i went to see LA Confidential with david doll (aka iggy my husband at the time - we were separated though). march 4th was my 25th birthday and i had a facial with kristi and drinks. march 8th was the family dinner. march 15th was the 1 year anniversary of our writing group at cheryl's place, later i hung out with david since he lived near her place. on the 18th i got my retainers for my teeth and went out with nairne, kristi and stan (nairne's birthday is the 17th). the 20th was another strata meeting. and on march 21st i went to see the matthew good band, with copyright and slye at graceland. the next day was the Juno's in vancouver, and kristi and i went to the show. beata was in town but i don't think i saw her. march 28th the strata community did a soil project and calvin and my dad came to help me fill in my garden etc.
april 3rd nairne's band Eventide played at Shannon Hall in Cloverdale with Jar and Nickelback, i handed out stickers for the band. april 5th the writing group met at my place. on the 9th was the 7th Annual Arts County Fair at UBC, matthew good band, holly mcnarland, great big sea. april 11 i planted my garden, and the next day went to see a movie with my mom. the 17th was another strata meeting at my place this time. the next day i went to Luv-a-fair with david. april 24th i went for drinks with nairne and tracey.
may 1st i went for drinks with tracy, the next day dinner and movie with my mom. i spent the whole week after work painting rooms in my townhouse. april 7th i went for a facial with kristi and drinks after. april 8th matthew good band did a show at the coquitlam sports centre a few minutes drive from me, so i went. april 10th i had a big family dinner at my house and the fools let me cook for them. the next night i went for dinner with calvin. the next day kristi came to hang out. the next day i went for x-rays on my ankle. april 18th david helped me move the fish tank from my mom's house to my house. april 23rd i went to the picadilly with stan and kristi to see dead model shoot, happy man and the mach III's. the next day i did dinner with my dad and brother. may 28th new music west started, i went to see Grapes of Wrath at richards, and met kerry and owen. the 29th was big sugar and wide mouth mason. 30th was Noise Therapy, Pure, Matthew Good Band and 54-40 and i got MGB to sign my Star Wars Disco record (which i late gave to Krysia S.), later that night i went to see Jar. the 31st Slye played.
june 2 i went to see Deep Impact with kerry. the next day i went to my ortho appointment. the next day i was sick as a dog and ended up chatting online for hours about that Star Wars Disco record. the 7th my mom and step-dad and i went for dinner. the 10th i spent way to much time in the chatroom again. the 11th i visited kristi for a facial and drinks. the 13th i had a strata meeting then calvin and i went for dinner and a movie. on the 16th i finally officially finished my first owned URL gatorjaw and started posting regular junk to it. june 19th i had drinks with nairne and tracey. the 20th we ended up drinking at allen's. the next day i did dinner with my brother, his gf, and my dad. the 24th i saw everclear at plaza of nations. the 26th i saw Noise Therapy and Jar after my strata meeting. june 27th i went to the Betty Page Social with david etc, and to his after party. the next day i had a writing group meetup, and then saw Curve (one of the greatest concerts ever) and the Dandy Warhols. the next day i drove david to pick up chris cziborr at the airport.
july 4th i saw Pure at the starfish. the 9th was Gandarvas, and the 10th was Jar. the 11th was Edgefest at Thunderbird featuring Foo Fighters, Green Day, Sloan, Matthew Good Band, Tea Party, Watchmen, Killjoys etc. i went with kerry, he showed me his old phrat house on campus. i had the week off for holidays. kerry gave me sneak preview tickets to see There is Something about Mary, i took Trace Beagley, i still have the packet of HAIRGEL. on the 16th i went to david's and watched movies with him and justin. the 17th i went to see DSK at the brickyard with Trace. the 18th i had dinner with justin. the 19th i had dinner with calvin. on the 22nd, - which was technically our 3rd wedding anniversary - i had dinner with david, justin and rieve were there too. the 24th i had dinner with my dad. the 25th was another betty page social, and i went with david, justin and rieve, and stuck around for the party at their place after. the next day we all got together again at their place for drinks, jolayne, lotus, marcus and tanya came. on the 31st i had a facial with kristi and that evening i had dinner with justin.
august 1st the shit hit the fan. i ended up getting shit faced and nairne hung out and told me it wasn't my fault (entirely). the next day my mom came by and so did calvin (he always let me cry on his shoulder). the 3rd david and talked about everything. on the 8th my new bed arrived, queen sized for a queensized drama. the next day was dinner with dad. august 11th i filed fordivorce and found myself in that damned chat room. on the 13th i renewed my mortgage again and that night went to see Noise Therapy and DSK at the pallidium with Trace. the 15th i went to a BBQ at kerry's place. on sunday the 16th i went out to Westshore to watch the big change over of the railcar dumper for work (my day job). the 18th i spent too much time in the damn chatroom. on the 24th i got the job freelance writing for exclaim magazine. the 26th of august i celebrated 1 year in my townhouse. the 27th i had my first exclaim meeting and met the other writers, Darren Kerr and Alphonse Leong. the 29th i had dinner at my brother's house for my mom's birthday.
september 2 there was an exclaim magazine smooze at club mora in gastown. Dukes of Medula played and so did a little band called Mylos Memory (unknown to me at the time but this was Rod Burn's band) and a solo singer named Cindy Bergen (now known as Sayde Davis). the next day Beata Wazny came to stay at my place. the next day me and Trace took her to palladium drinking. the 5th i had a writing group meeting at Jessica's. later i had dinner with kristi and stan. the 7th i hung out at david's. the 8th i submitted my reviews for the smooze. the 10th i went to see Saturnhead and Spacekid at the Railway for Music Waste. the next night i had a strata meeting and after had to go to the Columbia to see Hissy Fit, TreeCrusher, MotherTrucker and Jesse's Girl. the next night i went to see Satina, Dog Eat Dogma, Revulva, and Ten Days Late at the Brickyard. the next day there was a wrap party at the Brickyard. the 17th i saw my lawyer and signed my divorce papers. the 18th i went to see Jar (again) with trace at Starfish Room. the 19th i visited my mom and watched movies. the next week i had holidays and did nothing. the 25th i went for a facial with kristi and later went to luv-a-fair with Trace. at Blends after we met Sean McKay. so the 26th we went to watch him do a show in Virgin Records with Bloomsday, after we went to Luv-a-fair again, and while shaking my booty a boy named Rod Burn came to chat me up. the next day i did dinner at my brothers with the family. the 28th Rod called. the 29th we had tea together on commerical drive. the 30th rod called and i went to see a movie called Crackers for the film festival (writing reviews for Exclaim) and then spent the night in that damned chatroom.
october 1st david called me regarding the divorce papers he had to sign, went for a walk with rod. the 2nd i had a strata meeting. the 3rd i went out with kristi and stan, and later rod came for dinner at my place. after i drove rod home on the 4th i went to see Wintersleepers for the film festival. the 5th i was doing strata work, rod called. the 6th i met exclaim people, and rod called. the 7th i saw Gods & Monsters movie. the 8th i went to see Man With Rain in His Shoes, and came home and spent too much time in the chat room while i wrote my reviews. the 9th rod called but i went to see Harvey Danger at Starfish with trace. the 10th i went to see the movie Following for the festival. the 11th i went for family dinner at grandma's house. the 12th rod called. the 14th i went to see Mylos Memory at Mora. the 15th rod stood me up. the 16th Trace and i went to see Third Eye Blind and after went to the Press Club to see Mylos Memory and Splitting Adam. the 17th nairne and i went drinking. the 19th was a meeting with denise sheppard for exclaim. the 20th i went to Babalu's with mark twain. the 21st rod called. the 22nd i spent way too much in that damn chatroom after rod called. the 23rd trace and i went to luv-a-fair and i ran into my old friends Paul and Dave. trace spent the weekend at my place, we went clubbing again, i visited david on the saturday. the 26th i went to the ankle specialist to see about my pains. the 27th was jon spencer's blues explosion. the 28th rod called. the 31st was yes, yet another Jar concert for halloween at Studebakers, i dragged trace along.
november 1st drove trace home. the 3rd chatted for awhile with rod. the 4th i went for a facial with kristi and drinks after, later talked for awhile with cal. the next night was too much chatroom. the 7th was our strata AGM. the next day i went to a movie with my dad. the 8th was the PMIA Awards so i went with Trace. the 10th was a night just hanging with rod. the 11th i had dinner with david and chris cziborr. the 12th rod called me at work and we chattered. later that night matt called me. the 13th strata meeting at my place, and rod called during the meeting. the 14th i had dinner with calvin at Bridges and then went to a party at Rod's place. the next day we went to a hockey game and i had free tickets to see Frank Black so we went to that right after. the 17th another night hanging with rod. the 18th i went to a movie screening with my friend kerry, and to the sugar refinery. the 19 & 20th chilled at home and talked to rod. the 21st Trace and i went dancing and a boy named Joel Arseneau asked me to dance. november 22nd my divorce is final, i chatted on the phone with rod and joel and calvin every day all week. friday the 27th i went tanning, and matt called, and later i hung out with rod. the 29th i went for dinner with my mom and then out dancing with Trace. the 30th i went tanning and rod called me after rehearsal at 10:30...
december 1st i bought a cell phone. spent the next days chatting with rod. the 3rd i went for a facial with kristi and drinks after with her and stan and nairne. december 4th Joel and i went for dinner and i chatted with rod. the 5th joel and i went for lunch and chatted on the phone with rod a few times. the 6th i went to calvin's in the afternoon, and then to rod's to watch hockey. the 7th i had a strata meeting and joel came over for dinner. the 8th i went over to rod's to watch a movie. the 9th joel came over to watch a movie. the 10th i went over to rod's to watch Rocky 2. the 11th i went over to rod's again. the 12th is stan's birthday so there was a big dinner and party with kristi and everyone. the 14th i chatted for hours with calvin. the 15th i chatted for hours with rod then joel. the 16th rod went into the studio to record and i put up my christmas tree as we talked on the phone. the 17th DSK played at the starfish so i went with trace. the 18th Strapping Young Lad was to play at the starfish but the power blew and trace and i ended up drinking all night with dave genn. the 19th rod had another house party, joel came along. the next day i talked on the phone with everyone i think i know. the 21st i went over to rod's and didn't sleep so i spent the 22nd sleeping as it snowed. the 23rd i had luch with my co-workers for our last day before the holidays. the 24th i went to see my family for christmas eve, afterward i picked up rod and we went back to his place for the night. the 25th i went for dinner with my family. the 28th christina shiels and trace and i went out for drinks with nairne and we went to luv-a-fair. the 29th i went for drinks with darren kerr fellow writer for exclaim. the 30th i went for dinner with Calvin. the 31st christina, trace and i went to the Plaza of Nations New Years bash with Matthew Good Band, went to the after party with the Damn the Diva dudes at The Equator, then some other house party, and Rod called me at 4 am, so we went to pick him up at his place, dropped Kelly Cook at his place on the way back to my place at first light. slept. drove rod home... january 2 1999, christina me and trace got plastered at the Rage and i called rod and he came in a cab and drove my car and me back to his place... and so began my crazy 1999 (a number 1 year oh my)
wasn't that exciting!! NOT. haha
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:44 PM 6 comments
Wow, what a lengthy year it was. Hi! I'm just dropping by. Nice blog you got here. Oh yeah, is it possible for us to exchange links? I also have a blog about love (sort of).
if you've been following my blog for a long time you'll know i'm into 3, that things for me usually happen in 3's. but my other numbers are 7 and 13 - and 11. and my life number is 9.
7 because it has always rang in a harmony that fits me. i often think it has to do with being born in the 3rd month on the 4th day. 3+4=7
i've always seen 11:11 and 22:22. and i believe in the power of 11:11 (Synchronicity) in my life. this year being my 33rd i knew it was a year to make changes. specially since it was 2006 which is an 8. the combination between the infinity of 8 and 33/11 was clear to me that my life course was ready for it's transition.
i kept telling you all i was about to transform, as you may recall in January of this year A.D. questioned me about this thinking i meant some kind of paranormal or physical thing and i explained that no, it is a mental transformation.
all of this 33rd year is a phase before a year that i can only assume will solidify my life course = 2007.
why is 2007 a big ass important deal to me?
i will be 34. (3+4=7) in 2007 which is a 9 year. 9 is my life number (my birthdate = 9). march 4th is also the 63rd day of the year. (6+3=9) more to the point i will be turning 34 in the 3rd month on the 4th day. that date is also a 7 (3+4+2+7=16 =7)
also on March 3rd-4th there will be a total lunar eclipse that will last 73 minutes. with full eclipse at 23:20:56 UT which is 04:20:56 PST (correction it will happen at 3:20:56 PST i forgot about DST).
(i was born in 1973. 7's and 3's)
okay you can call me crazy or schizophrenic. i don't mind. i know quite positively i'm not. i'm just eccentric.
as a little cute side note, on March 4th 2005 Wookieepedia was launched. it's a wiki for Star Wars. yes, i'm nerd as well.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:56 PM 4 comments
C, i had a great job interview today that i hope to hear back about tomorrow. figures it being 13th of 9th month. on top of that i have interviews lined up for all tomorrow and one on friday so the job stuff is a happening.
i have posted 7 more song/poems words on wiredSecret i will slowly attempt to record the ideas for these i had looked into guitar lessons but i don't think it will fit my schedule damn shame i will figure something out
in the words of Stevie Nicks So, if not for me, then Do it for yourself If not for me then Do it for the world
in a simpsons episode Homer takes out a "Before I Die I Want To -" list; at the bottom of the list is the phrase "See Stevie Nicks Naked." It is checked off three times.
on a final note, Astra sent me the link to her first paying gig as a Producer/Director, which you can view HERE online. it's about Davie Street in Vancouver. check it out. i order you to do it.
I saw that concert on TV several times with Stevie and love it every time....thats when I fell in love with the song Silver Spring...howd the job thing go?
Madrid's regional government, which sponsors the show and imposed restrictions, said it did not blame designers and models for anorexia. It said the fashion industry had a responsibility to portray healthy body images.
"Fashion is a mirror and many teenagers imitate what they see on the catwalk," said regional official Concha Guerra.
The mayor of Milan, Italy, Letizia Moratti told an Italian newspaper this week she would seek a similar ban for her city's show unless it could find a solution to "sick" looking models.
The Madrid show is using the body mass index or BMI -- based on weight and height -- to measure models. It has turned away 30 percent of women who took part in the previous event. Medics will be on hand at the September 18-22 show to check models.
Under the Madrid ruling, models must have a BMI rating of around 18. That would disqualify top Spanish model Esther Canadas, and supermodels like Kate Moss, based on unofficial records of their height and weight.
i was living in this apartment and an old friend called me from the airport and said no one knew he was back in town but he had to come play me a tape of this gypsy lady reading him his fortune.
it's okay, it's just a dream. i can rationalize the bits and pieces. talking with Jas on the weekend about psychic things, and tarot cards and wanting to be on my own. but odd none-the-less given...
but today, something happened to me that hasn't happened in... i can't remember how long. probably since i was just barely in my teens.
i put myself in a trance and lost time.
i literally disappeared for several minutes. how do i know? because i was at the tanning salon. i was set to be in the baker for 4 minutes (it's super strong and i'm super pale okay) and i was standing in there, and the machine came on, i closed my eyes and then it seemed like it was seconds later the machine shut off and i opened my eyes at the sound of it.
i honestly got out a little pissed off and got dressed and went and politely asked the lady what happened. she looked at me weird and said, no it was timed, and it was 4 minutes. and again i said are you sure because it didn't seem like it was even a minute long. so she showed me the the timer on the computer, seeming a little weirded out by me.
and i was a bit taken a back.
i got there at 6:29 (i looked at my clock) for my appt at 6:30, i checked in and got into the room and got ready and watched the timer start to countdown to the start of the machine (3 minutes) and got in the machine and waited... it started, which would put me about 6:35ish giving a half minute here or there, or so... 4 minutes in the machine would put me at 6:39ish, get out and get dressed takes about a minute or so, and asking her about the timer maybe another minute or two discussion, and as i got in my car i looked at the time and it was 6:44
but i swear i was only THERE in the machine for maybe less than a minute or a minute
the woman at the salon must of thought i was crazy hell i think it's crazy!
where did those 3 minutes go or more correctly and importantly where did i go?
i've been thinking about it all night.
it was weird. i am at a loss... how could i have stood there and not remembered standing there all that time?
a little video of something that came to me the other day for a song idea and i had to just get it out of me... this is me in my walk in closet quickly getting my idea recorded
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 PM 5 comments
I swear that's happened to me more than once too, but not in the dramatic and self-timered way you describe. It often happens that I get lost in my thoughts while doing nothing and many minutes can pass by without my awareness of it.
I don't know if that's the same thing, but it can be disconcerting.
I wonder if its astral travelling or something? So you dont remember where you went? Thats a bummer....thats happens while Im driving alone to the Okanagan...I completely focus on driving but get lost in my thoughts at the same time...apparently thats like being hypnotized...focusing on one thing and letting your mind go...I love that stuff
ya, i remember when i used to drive home from vancouver to delta in the early mornings, i'd be so focused on it that i wouldn't even remember driving sections of the highway. sorta like you get on auto pilot and just go, making turns etc because you've done it so many times.
i suppose it was more like i did just focus on closing my eyes, and hypnotized myself. but i don't recall anything.
normally my mind is whirling around a million things, i feel like i am always on some kind of rush.
for me to not remember something is very rare. i have one of those memories. even though i have always kept journals i usually can remember what i was doing or thinking, or saying etc, even from years and years ago. so when i can't account for time, it is very strange.
Do, you realise you posted this at exactly 11.11pm...on Flicker I am a member of the 11.11 group...its when things always happen at 11.11...creepy hey! oh, Beachut here!
Johnno, yes i do realize. in fact i often post at 11:11, it's a thing for me. i am a member of the flickr group too. i have been seeing 11:11 all my life and researched it.
5 years ago today, i was on vacation, sleeping in my bed when K woke me up and said i had to come watch the news... katie from Ottawa was staying at my place, she was on vacation too.
we sat in our pjs all day and watched the news in shock.
a few days later she had to fly back home. going to the airport was weird.
the world isn't the same. but it is.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
9:11 PM 2 comments
The Serpentine Wildlife Area is located in Surrey BC, and it is very beautiful. after my day of doggie fun for the SPCA, i visited my mom and step dad for a while. then on my way home i swung into a spot i've often stopped at but never happened to have my camera available. so i snapped up a wack of photos and did a little video for you of the place.
aside from some highway noise, it really is very peaceful:
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:10 PM 0 comments
Steven Adamo Robin Alexa Wilson Kwok Todd Holbrook Joan & Wayne Worrall Beverly McLean
for my donation total of $155
i got myself a free t-shirt, i got to see some cool dog tricks, and a dancing dog, and spend some time with people who really love animals. there are a few photos on my flickr page
and this cute video of the doggie version of the national anthem
on friday night a bunch of us nerds got together at The Foggy Dew in Coquitlam, not too far from where i lived for 6 years, i'd been there quite a few times for an afternoon chow down.
it was cool to meet some of my fellow bloggers many of whom also have pictures on their blogs of the event.
well i suppose it is like anything when you meet someone for the first time, but in this case it can be someone you've online chatted or read about, so it makes it a little easier to talk about things.
i've met a ton of people online and then in person, Tracy from Abby and i met online in 1998 and we've been buds ever since, same with Beata from TO, Chantal who is all over the world, Mel from Alberta, Katie out in Ottawa, Barry in Texas, BU & Mrs, and now PatZ, etc... all these are people who i regularly chat online with still and keep in touch with. it can be wonderful.
or if that does not work please visit the SPCA site and locate my name under the Sponsor or Find an Individual links (i am walking in Surrey)
i adopted two of my kitties from the SPCA. the cats are my life. without these kitties i seriously question whether i'd be around these days. they ground me, they are MY LIFE.
i adopted Jessica (aka Jessa, Kitty, Pink Nose) in late 1995 after my black cat Olivia suddenly died due to ingesting some kind of poison. my kitty Lizbeth needed a companion so after Olivia's sudden departure i adopted Jessa.
in March 1996 Iggy adopted from the SPCA Lydia (aka Princess) for me for my birthday.
to view pictures of my cats please visit my Flickr set called THE CAT LADY
Edit: Sept 1/06 - Thanks for all your donations. Online I have reached $80 so far (my goal was only $50 online and $50 offline) so it warms my heart to see such giving. If I raise $150 I get a free tee-shirt.
Edit: Sept 6/06 - I have now raised $155 dollars ($80 online & $75 offline). Thanks for all your donations, I will credit everyone HERE after the walk is over and I will post pictures.
AND THANKS - I get a free tee-shirt!
(i have dated this Sept 10 - the date of the walk so that it stays at the top of my blog for you to see until the time of the event)
thanks Mitzzee, i owe the SPCA for all these years of kitty love. i did voluteer work for them many years ago at a shelter, it is heart breaking. the least i can do is take a sunday to go walk for their cause.
missy - i sent you info, anyone from anywhere in the world can donate. you just need to select the proper country you are from when you fill in the donation section.
i'm off to this blogger meetup. pictures will be taken. tomorrow i have the SPCA walk to do. pictures will be taken. i'll see you Sunday night blog world.
in the meantime... one of my most favorite songs. i wanted to be Stevie Nicks as a child. so here is a little live Fleetwood Mac doing Dreams.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down Its only right that you should Play the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost... And what you had... And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say... women... they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself Its only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams and... Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness... Like a heartbeat... drives you mad... In the stillness of remembering what you had... And what you lost... And what you had... And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing Say... women... they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
6:30 PM 2 comments
they say so anyway there other day i went for a walk on the pier in White Rock and snapped some pics - some of which i think turned out pretty fantastic... maybe mom is right and i should go into photography...
(you have to look at the large version to appreciate it)
there are quite few more on my flickr page to view. thank you
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:35 PM 2 comments
i'm the type of person who puts her cards on the table. i have said this, made this abundantly clear. I WILL NOT STAND FOR LIES.
didn't i say that? oh yeah i did, i said i can't lie and can't be lied to, and that if i discover lies i will be hurt beyond anything because i've been completely fucking open.
i have many male friends who are just friends, and there is no sexual bullshit in between us, we can chat and hang out without any of that shit getting in the way. i love them for that. love them dearly for it.
if i am dating a dude and he is all jealous and can't believe i could be having a platonic relationship with a male friend of mine... that is a big warning sign to me. because only people who use people for sex can't see why other people can have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. grow up.
i'm very open about what i do, who i go hang with, and i don't have secrets and i don't tell lies.
PERIOD. i will not allow someone to bullshit me. and ALL I SMELL IS BULLSHIT.
how would you feel if someone you liked or cared for told you they were busy, but in truth they were doing something very open and social and inviting everyone but you along to the event? and not like they were hiding it either. i am not a retard. far from it. what the fuck? don't you think it hurts?
fucking guys.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
6:40 PM 5 comments
Unfortunately waaaaay too many are, and your mission - should you choose to accept it or not - is to separate the aces from the assholes.
The way not to go about it: " i constantly forgive and love, and constantly get taken for a ride because of it." Forgiving is honourable, however in the game of love constantly bestowing this honour upon dishonourable people who deserve no such privilege is going to result in you being crushed time after time after time.
To forgive is obviously good for our own soul, to be able to let go of one's anger towards another being benefits ourselves even if they are not even aware of our forgiveness. There is a huge difference, however, between forgiving and IGNORING THE WARNING SIGNS. This is the mistake you seem to be consistently making and ending up with major heartache because of it.
Social interaction is like a game, to win we need to learn the methods which will help us come out on top. Nowhere in the social realm are the stakes higher than in the area of romance. We risk the most and we can gain or lose the most. It is not the time to be forgetting about the rules and throwing caution to the wind. Men don't change so the shit they pull at first (when they are supposed to be on their best behaviour) is only a small taste of things to come. Pay close attention to the signs Barbara, hardening your heart a bit in the early stages will save you YEARS OF HELL.
In starting romances the rule is ONE STRIKE AND HE'S OUT. If you don't do that the strikes are going to keep hitting you until you do finally cut him loose, and it just gets harder to do so as time goes on. This doesn't mean that he should be given up on for committing a bonehead faux-pas or because of a misunderstanding or even because of something you really don't like but he truly believed wasn't wrong - sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. You know what is acceptable and what isn't - if a guy's behaviour is not acceptable toss him the FIRST TIME he pulls a major offence. He will not change, you can forgive him and be friends if you want but to ignore the huge warning signs means that you are signing up for more of the same and worse for as long as you choose to stay involved with him.
You are an incredible lady B, it is obvious the moment anyone starts reading this blog, all your online friends know that, many of the male ones are gaga over you even if they are happily and faithfully married. Only the best men deserve someone like you, and you deserve nothing but the best man. It is up to YOU to be smart and make that happen.
the faux pas is mine. i all too often want to believe the best in people, even when all my warning bells are ringing.
i know all guys arent like that, like i said i have some amazing male friends and love them dearly.
thanks so much for the time you spent to write this to me.
i hope someday i'll find a man i can say is my best friend first and foremost.
i should have stuck to my original plan to be single and heal for a long time, and thus now i'm back on that plan. i was side tracked by someone i once (7 years ago) thought was pretty special, but i see now he really hasn't changed that much. it's a shame. we'll probably stay friends in the long run but i'll get over it. besides i have some pretty terrific friends to keep me company until the day the universe decides to bless me with "the keeper".
smoochies are the best. specially my smoochies. ;)
missy, ya, i think singlehood is for me for some time. sorry all you meet is wankers. that sucks. you seem too cool not to meet a great guy. smoochies to you.
life has a funny way of heaping everything on all at once doesn't it. i'm not even going to get into the other reason i am crying... that's too confusing... love is worse than hell...
but the second reason i am crying is because i truly believe my father hates me. that's some heavy shit, but i don't think he has ever loved me in any way.
my father and i had a fight tonight. he insists the cats will contaminate the spare bed. asked me why they have to be in that room. i said what do you think that they have some kind of infectious disease? he didn't reply. i said they are in this room because it connects to my room through the bathroom and it is the only space they have in this entire house. (he hates them and has made them fearful to leave the room i sleep in.) he said i should lock them in cages. i said how'd you like if i locked you in a cage. then i said if you want i will lock them out of this room, and he said yes we should do that and almost pushed me into the bathroom in an attempt to close the door.
that was my breaking point. you see - normally he ignores me all day and tells everyone he thinks i'm a freak who is addicted to the internet and threatens to kick me out. and gets into fights with my brother who half owns this places and says i can stay as long as i want. my father doesn't see that i am using the computer to find a job, to find out how much it will cost me to move out somewhere, and to continue my only source of joy, my pictures and writing. that i don't feel at all welcome in this house by him so i am usually either sitting alone with my cats in my bedroom, or i'm here at the computer. no, i'm a freak and he says all this stuff in front of my niece to all the family but never actually talks to me about it.
so i laid it into him, and said, and by the way, if you have something you'd like to say to me, talk to me, don't go running to other people and call me a freak behind my back. he ignored me. he kept on about the cats wrecking the bed. so i said, you know for someone who said they wanted to get my niece a pet, you know nothing about raising pets, in fact you know nothing about raising children and you know nothing about having a family. he ignored me.
i used a few fucks in there somewhere too.
and then i said, it is very clear you don't want me here, and you are doing everything you can to push me away. and told him as soon as i can i will fucking leave because that's what he wants. he ignored me and walked away.
you see, the last time my father and i really spoke, was in 2001.
i asked him to pay for some school which he'd always promised he would do for me. in fact all my life he's made me promises and never kept them. always dangling money in my face, i'll buy you this, i'll get you that. but whenever i finally asked, so are you going to do this for me, he always turned around and said, i never said that. i'm not the only one he does this to.
when i went to BCIT (in my early 20's) my mom paid for it, and she couldn't afford to, she did what she could, and i owe her, always, for being the greatest mom ever.
so in 2001 when i wanted to go to capilano college for web design etc, he said oh that's nice, how are you going to pay for it. i told him i was leaving my job, and he advised me "as your father" not to do it. i told him he was never my father. he left me when i was 6. hell even before that, when he was out fucking other women and ignoring his family. he made his choice and decided to spend his life making a lot of money. he never spent time with his children. he'd show up a few weekends a year and give us big presents and then disappear. no phone calls, no contact - nothing.
as adults i suppose both my brother and i decided to give him a chance and try to get to know him. we worked for his company, and paid our dues. not once has he ever stated he's proud of either of us. quite the opposite, he is the worst negative miserable person ever. the first to kick you when you are down or just kick you for his own twisted reasons.
on my wedding day in 1995 just before i was about to cut my wedding cake, he told me "glory is fleeting" and i said what's that suppose to mean, and he just said, "glory is fleeting" again.
well take your own advice my father dearest. glory is fleeting. you know nothing about social interactions, which is why you lived alone for all these years and have no family and no friends. you have choosen to alienate yourself from everyone. when i move don't be surprised if i don't see you again for another 5 years. 10 years. ever. you've made that call. i took a leap of faith to move here to escape one bad situation, only to find you haven't changed one damn bit.
before he went to bed, you know all he had to say to me was, you know you shouldn't swear when my niece is in the other room. and i calmly said, yes i will say i am sorry to her tomorrow for that. and he repeated himself, because he always does, as he walked away.
i've never had a father. i don't have a father. i just have someone i am genetically linked to that seems to hate me. it is the worst feeling ever.
and that's on top of all the other shit i have to deal with.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:44 AM 5 comments
Some of us never seem to run out of tears. Even though the walls become thicker and tougher every time we get hurt more, even though we try to protect ourselves and be smart about things, even though we try to be frugal with what little bit of shredded heart remains, something always gets through and wreaks havoc. I guess one can't deny their core being - people born to love have to love, to not do so means to not exist.
Life will be brutal at times, and some will feel it much more than others. Those same people will also feel the love and happiness much more when it arrives with such force that nothing else matters. Love is unlimited strength - those that deserve it will receive it.
When I started to read this post I thought that it was the full moon that was effecting your emotions and the heightened tension between you and your dad. But I see that its deeper than the moon. I know how you feel. Ive disliked my mother since conception. Believe that. Dislike is the new word because I dont hate her anymore I just pity her.
I wish I could say some words of comfort right now, but nothing can comfort you when you know that your parent has their head stuck way up their anal cavity and it prolly will never come out. What I can say is that you have risen above this even if you dont see it. Your better then him, much more then you might think. And most likey he knows this and perpertuates his behavior because thats all he will ever know. You have so much more to live for and you have youth! *hugs* I dont normally offer myself like this, but if you ever want I can do a tarot reading on your work situation. Anytime you want.
your dad sounds like a right nutter. that's not fair to treat you this way. i'll love you no matter what even if you are a freak (i don't consider that to be an insult). xoxo Katie
here's my take on family (mine was no bundle of joy either):
imagine you weren't related to this person, if you saw them while you were out walking, would you even cross the street to say hello? A simple "no" says it all.
the people we are born to, we can't do anything about that ... some of us get lucky, most just can't wait to get out. we go make our families elsewhere, with the people we love ... and you will, too.
Ron, thanks for your comments. i am a person born to love, i need it so much in my life and give it probably too easily. i constantly forgive and love, and constantly get taken for a ride because of it. yet somehow i still give people trust, and the benefit of the doubt, and yet still i get used.
ophelia, thanks babe, anytime you want to do a tarot reading for me - i'm down for that.
katie, he is a weirdo. no one knows how to handle him, it's not just me, i'm just more complicated i suppose.
Fly - totally agree with building family, which is why i am all about love. community doesn't only exist within "family" it exists within universal love of all mankind and earth. we connect when we want to those willing to connect to us.
oh i could be there, it could be so easy - i was once and i could be again... this i know.
but there is such fear in me of such things.
i have seen things in my future and i constantly feel as though i am walking through a dream i have dreamt before. yet still i have fear - not of what others may do, but of what i may allow myself to be. what i am becoming. i fear myself.
i feel as though i am standing on the apex curve of my life. staring at the final rise above me and seeing it clearly, perfectly and yet, here i am slowly, unsurely moving forward up that final rise.
i was reading The Soul's Code last night, reading a section about love (how well timed of the universe)...
i read this part and thought it was so true...
I am different from everyone else and the same as everyone else; I am different from myself 10 years ago and the same as myself 10 years ago; my life is a stable chaos, chaotic and repetitive both, and I can never predict what tiny, trivial bit of input will result in a huge and significant output. I must always remain acutely sensitive to initial conditions, such as what or who came into the world with me and enters the world with me each day. On that I remain dependent.
i know in the end i may be the one who will probably scare away anyone who wants to be close to me because i am scared to get close. i don't want that, i truly don't.
there is nothing more i'd like than to be loved. no matter how much it frightens me. no matter how much i may resist. just don't give up on me...
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:12 PM 9 comments
B...I cry lots too...don't even know why half the time...it's not balling crying- it's just tears-it's emotional release. I think when you're emotional, like I am too, you really feel the highs and you also really feel the lows.
You have no problem with being there for others, but you're convinced that you can't let yourself depend on someone else. Could it be that this attitude is what's holding you back from really getting involved?
damn straight.
i am terrified to ever believe in anything anyone ever tells me with regards to feelings for me. i don't trust that i have the whatever to know whether or not i'm being lied to. not saying i think that is what is happening - i just fear that so much that i don't want to allow myself to get too close to someone. because don't want to be hurt again. i can't allow myself to be hurt again. that's why it's all so scary. that's why, it's me, not you. i'm willing to do the high wire act, and dare it all without a net, because i think he's worth it, but it freaks me out.
i would like some directness. i would appreciate an honest open conversation about this whatever it is. i hate guessing, even with the big hints, the oh so unsubtle things said, i'd like to not have to make assumptions.
oh i know it's my own damn fault because i said i didn't want a relationship. but after a certain point doesn't it just become one to a degree. i don't know. maybe i do have to be hit on the head.
in other news, thanks to my niece's grandma the beautiful Bev, i will get that free SPCA tee-shirt and the cats and dogs will be happy. you rock GrandmaB.
smoochies... i'll be dreaming of... icecream... ummmm
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:34 AM 2 comments
i love how articulate you can be with your feelings. I don't trust what someone says about their feelings for me either...not at that level. And whether you say you want a relationship or not...that baggage is their.Sub-conscious motto "get out before you get hurt". On a positive note...once you know this about yourself; its a good opportunity for personal growth to just find some faith. Then I question? Is it faith or blind-love? Then I say..Ohh whatever...lets just do "it"!
i redid the idea a little more to my liking and did a black version as well as a pink version.
today wasn't bad, i did nothing but ate a lot of Acetaminophen. oh drugs, you can be so useful.
it was awesome chatting to Jolayne tonight. i love that chicka. she is the coolest.
so my aunt is leaving tomorrow? - she's had enough. and like i said, when you feel enough is enough, you know what you got to do. it was a trip having her around. she's a character, i tell ya. there is a book in me just about her life i swear.
my niece starts grade 2 tomorrow. wow.
she's learning to dive in the pool. i put a few videos of it on YouTube. this was from yesterday, when my aunt was phoning every 15 minutes trying to calm down. i love my family but i still want to move. haha!
wow, what a couple of days i've had. tomorrow should be interesting.
family i tell ya. in fact this week should be interesting.
you know my horrorscope said i'd have a period of luck starting sept 1.
after spending a lovely friday evening in the company of someone who gives me hope, the rest of this weekend didn't fill me with much of it. oddly i fell asleep, and slept. i must say it scared me when i woke up - i felt so comfortable, too comfortable... scary. damn scary. you scare me. honestly and truly dude, you freak me out. yet i felt so good driving home...
home, why do i call this place home*, it's more just a place i am - not home. home is where you feel is you. this place doesn't feel like me. i'm itching to leave.
why would i stay and take advantage? there is no advantage here.
my father thinks i'm on the computer all day doing useless things. you know, not like i sent out 25 resumes and wrote coverletters and read endless ads on endless websites looking for work. no, computers can't do that can they?
so instead of asking me or talking to me, he goes to my grandmother to bitch about me. and today at the family lunch, which i showed up at for no other reason than my mom asked me to meet her there, my grandmother was in fine fashion. my aunt is leaving in a few days due to the conflicts ongoing there, so all night i've been on the phone. tomorrow she wants me to help her pack. i love these people but at the same time they drive me crazy with their crazy. advantage! there is only advantage in escape... i hope i get a job soon so i can move.
bah. i will not allow negativity to get me down.
bah. on a positive note my niece is learning to dive. i video taped some of that this evening between phone calls... maybe i'll post that tomorrow...
trying not to let the events of the day drag me into bah, more driving home* videos from saturday morning:
Feels like the First Time:
(chopping in the recording due to bumps etc)
A little Van Halen:
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:10 PM 3 comments
Sometimes seeing family leaves me feeling more down, too. I think because we expect quite a lot from each other and when I don't get that approval from them, I kinda feel betrayed. If that makes sense.
Computers CAN do that? Who knew?! ,o) I heard that numerous times as well. Thankfully it stops when you finally get the job. Oi... parents can be a drag sometimes.
It looks like we've been paired up on 25peeps' hall of fame +o)
ya that makes sense missy. frankly i've always felt like no one in this family wants anyone else to succeed. my father has never given me the idea that he has ever approved or been proud of anything i have ever done. i gave up hoping for that affirmation a long time ago. i love them, i want the best for them, i want happiness for them. but i want space for me to be me.
ya imagine eh T, computer can do that. he thinks i'm addicted to the internet or something. like i'm not on here doing creative or productive things.
the last days of my summer of B... and little Styx
Sept 1 at 7:55 PM sitting on the patio pondering what exactly i am doing and wondering what you are doing...
20 minutes later i know, and 9:34 PM i'm heading thru the tunnel
can you do one for me called "doomed"
11:46 AM Sept 2 heading home...
Babe, I'm leaving, I'll say it once again Somehow try to smile I know the feeling were trying to forget If only for a while But I'll be lonely without you And I'll need your love to see me through Please believe me, my heart is in your hands And I'll be missing you Babe, I love you.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
4:20 PM 3 comments
I love photo posts with words. I did one waaaaaay back (lastyear. haha)
Thanks for the 8 things comment on my blog. I liked yours too. HiDiddlyHo NeighborinO!! haha Flanders rocks. And I want to bite his childrens heads off like chocolate easter bunnies.
rod and todd flanders... rod gawd... rod... umm sorry my mind wandered... rod and todd flanders are killer characters too.
Rod Flanders: Are you jealous of Brother Homer? Ned Flanders: Maybe just a little bit. Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses. Ned Flanders: One problem at a time, boy.
[playing a religious board game] Lisa: Where are the dice? Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked. Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
this job hunt business has me blue. but i will prevail, something will come up when it is as it should. i just would like to get on with my life and have my own space again. i feel too far away from being myself here.
i miss having a home of my own. i could kick myself for selling my townhouse back in 03 but whatever - i don't, life is how it should be, i will own something again, but that isn't the point. the point is having my own space that is me, that is mine.
i want to be able to walk around in my underwear if i want to.
i want to have the kitties feel safe and comfortable in their own space. not like here.
i want to be able to lay in bed if i feel like it without snide remarks from someone who doesn't live that way.
i want to be free.
i want a job. i've applied to so many places, positions, all things i could do no problem. but nothing yet. i'm willing to commute to get started. i'm willing to start at a lower wage than i've earned before. i'm open to all possible avenues. i am hopeful but it's wearing me down.
i scanned a bunch of cat photos to add The Cat Lady collection. made me miss old times when the cats were young and frisky and life was so different. Bear will be 10 on Sept 26th and he's the baby of the family.
and on the other front, i suppose the silence is a message... oh well. i should have known.
Don't worry hun, something will come up and it's going to be perfect for you! Then you can get your own place where the cats are free and you can walk around in your knickers ;-)
i am self centered mostly, otherwise this blog would be about something that mattered and not about me and my whiny ass life... so why do you read this? besides on top of that self centeredness i am also a liar and fraud and make shit up that never happened right, just to get attention right? ya you pegged me Dr. Phil.
i am not lovable, i am afraid of getting close to people, as much as i am open, it is a defensive move to not allow anyone upper hand. which makes it so...
i am distant, i don't contact my friends as much as i feel i should, but what is normal for friendship? what is normal for anything? because i protect myself from feeling too much (which i do usually do, feel too much) this makes me distant. because i have no filter? i am a retard at understanding these rules.
i am not normal. i see this world very differently than many other people do. for instance spending time with a man as a friend isn't something considered normal specially if said man was once more than a friend. according the great way of the world we should hate and damn every one of our ex-es and only speak ill of them forevermore. i didn't get that manual i guess when they programmed my brain and sent me down here.
i am not jealous. i am supposed to be i guess, it says so in the manual. i've never been that type, i'm trusting and understanding but that's the idiot in me. you know, assuming people will be honest and open with me, when i'm honest and open with them. but i suppose most people assume the worst of me. they believe the worst of me. heck even my mom assumes i'm fucking every guy i have sushi with. nice, that's what family is for, to kick you where it hurts. yes i was briefly confused about my ex-husband popping up in my life, but there's only one person i'm really interested in right now and well who knows what the fuck is going to happen with that. i'll probably fuck that up too like everything else i've fucked up in my life, right? do i really call the shots? do i really have any control? no i am a moron.
i am a total bitch, because i call my niece a spoiled brat. which she is, and a liar too. the other night she was supposed to have a shower, and didn't, it was very clear to me she didn't, i asked her and she said she did. i said oh really because there isn't any wetness in the tub, or steam or smell of shower in this bathroom? and she said she did, over and over she said she did. in fact what she'd done is wet her hair with a cloth to make it look like she did. she admitted it to her dad when she lied again the next day about not having lunch, and i said to her point blank "WHY DO YOU LIE SO MUCH?". but i'm a total cunt for saying that shit, you know for caring that my niece is so messed up she almost blinded/killed my cat with lysol, and lies all the time.
i am just a stupid girl
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 AM 0 comments
you know what is the deal with babies. i don't have to have babies. i just know it would be very cool if it ever happens. i don't feel some bioclock ticking at me making me feel some need to reproduce. the idea of children used to make me ill. i never wanted children and would say this baby factory is closed. and to some extend it truly is.
i wouldn't be against children being a part of my future but if it doesn't happen it isn't the end of the world. my niece has opened my eyes to the positives and negatives and affirmed the things i all ready knew are true.
do i care if i have a baby? not one bit. it would be cool to have children to stick my old aged ass in a home one day and fight over such things as who gets the sofa. but in the end maybe it's better to be like that couple in Penticton, where the man (77) walked into the hospital and shot his 80 year old wife in the head and then killed himself. that seems good too. they loved one another, they had had a good loving life. when you've had enough you've had enough.
i'll probably die of some terrible illness that will drag on and on because i won't have someone willing to shoot me in the head. well hey, maybe i will but not someone willing to then shoot themselves because living on without me would be hell.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:22 AM 10 comments
ugh you can have mine! haha just joking. Im always torn by wanting another to not.at.all. Society makes you think that having more then one is the way its supposed to be. So it gets to me sometimes. But Bella is so freaking advanced and she is a handful for me. (Of course never for others) I see wonman with three or more kids in tow and it boggles my mind. (No offence to anyone that does) I just dont know how they all do it.
Dont worry to much about kids. It will happen if and when it should. Also there are lots of children that need good foster homes. So many options. Plus women are having kids at older ages. And you sweets are not even close to being old. Rest your mind and enjoy the auntie life. Its a great one. I miss my neice and nephew.
OMG I totally read the wrong blog post completely. Im sorry for preaching. Honestly I read this a couple days ago and came back to comment. I think I was mixing it up with something else I read earlier. Ugh I feel like an ass. Because its completely opposite of what you were saying. Or we can blame it on ADD and lack of coffee. :o\
♥ The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk ♥
A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
HOMETOWN: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
LIVING IN:
White Rock, BC
ABOUT ME: Barbara Doduk has had a web site since 1997, which included a journal. She started a web site to promote her creative writing, poetry and photography interests. Over the last 10 years the www has evolved and so has web journalling or as it is now known "blogging".
THE LOVE BLOG is her main personal journal.
WIREDSECRET is her poetry weblog.
THE UNITY PROJECT is her world wide photograph collection for unity.
After the last tree has been cut down,
after the last river has been poisoned,
after the last fish has been caught,
then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
♥THE LOVE BLOG♥ presents: ♥THE SPREADER OF LOVE♥ ♥AWARD♥
All I ask in return for presenting this award to anyone blogging out there, is that you include the following information in the blog post along with the image below:
This blog has been awarded The Spreader of Love Award created by The Love Blog, for an outstanding demonstration of blogging love.
It is good that he got to see you recover.
I didn't want to risk being too presumptuous in replying to your earlier post in which you stated "I have never had a father", however the thought that instantly came to me keeps getting reinforced: "Are you sure about that?"
*hug*
Ron