in reply to my facebook blogpost. I LOVE YOU :oD I only wish I could do that. But Ive had myspace since after I moved out here and the only people I have on myspace is family I keep in contact with and people I know, or would like to know. I have been tempted to delete it. Im drnk. and your comment made me crack up and then say man I love that!! As long as you stay in touch with me outside myspae Im happy :op
do you have a touchstone? i do. i might have forgotten it, or mentally blocked it out because she has always had the ability to see me even through my brilliant disguises, and because for too many years i didn't want to face the truth of my choice of existence.
in case you have no idea to what i am referring, the metaphorical use of touchstone means any physical or intellectual measure by which the validity of a concept can be tested. even if that concept is yourself.
my mother has always been that yardstick i have measured myself against.
and not in the so many frivolous aspects of life, but rather in the ways i think count most.
my mother has always been that rock for me. i can talk endlessly to this woman about anything and everything under the sun, and believe me we have. i couldn't have asked the universe to present to me a better mother, a woman who is my touchstone.
i have talked about it a myriad of times, growing up rather alone lead to many of the things i consider to be the best things about me... my love of music, my creativeness, my imagination, etc. but despite any rough patches, i could always count on my mother to be be there, cheering me on. she has always raised me up and told me to go for it. as well she has always been direct and to the point about things she might have disagreed with me on. looking back, i respect i had to make my own choices, but had i listened to mom, i might have been better off, because hindsight shows she was right.
oddly enough, here i am. about to spend a whole whack of time with the woman. finally.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
7:20 PM 4 comments
Though i can't say i have the level of openness you have with your mum, i do love mine a lot. I also admire the kind of relationship she has with my dad - they're both adorable together. She gets cuter as she gets older & I've taken to kissing her on the forehead every now & then.
i have a sick sense of humor because this video makes me laugh so hard i end up in tears
hahahahahahahaha
ah yes so i am moving on saturday. i am packing up my life in boxes again. weeee
but you know, i chatted with my mom tonight and we are looking forward to spending a whole whack of time together. before my ex K came along, i used to spend girlie nights with my mom all the time. i'd go out to visit her and watch movies and laugh and giggle together. i missed out on that for far far too long. mom says she has a lot of movies i neeeeeed to watch. i bet. i bet my mom would laugh at the video above as much as i do. so would my step dad. he's a jokester. my step dad has always been more a father to me, more than my own father.
chatted with my brother and niece too. bro sounds tired and worn out. my heart goes out to him. i would not want to be dealing with our father. by the way, my father has gone back to his usual mentality, if not worse. he really seems to hate me, so i have decided - i give up. i just can't please him. so whatever. i will live my life and not give a damn about what he thinks, which is pretty much as i always have. i have always attempted to know him, to love him and to forgive him for the continued social and family blunders he has made, but it makes no difference to him. so fuck it. i can't spend my time worrying what he thinks. i love me the way i am. lots of people love me the way i am.
my brother thinks there is a reason for our father's madness. he thinks our father has a form of autism called Asperger Syndrome.
Narrow interests or preoccupation with a subject to the exclusion of other activities Repetitive behaviors or rituals Peculiarities in speech and language Extensive logical/technical patterns of thought Socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior and interpersonal interaction Problems with nonverbal communication Clumsy and uncoordinated motor movements
People with AS lack the natural ability to see the subtexts of social interaction, and may lack the ability to communicate their own emotional state, resulting in well-meaning remarks that may offend, or finding it hard to know what is "acceptable".
Deprived of this insightful information, they are unable to interpret or understand the desires or intentions of others and thereby are unable to predict what to expect of others or what others may expect of them. This often leads to social awkwardness and inappropriate behavior. In Asperger's Syndrome: Intervening in Clinics, Schools and Communities, Tony Attwood categorizes the many ways that lack of "theory of mind" can negatively impact the social interactions of people with Asperger's:
Difficulty reading the social and emotional messages in the eyes - People with AS don't look at eyes often, and when they do, they can't read them.
Making literal interpretation - AS individuals have trouble interpreting colloquialisms, sarcasm, and metaphors.
Being considered disrespectful and rude - prone to egocentric behavior, individuals with Asperger's miss cues and warning signs that this behavior is inappropriate.
Honesty and deception - children with Asperger's are often considered "too honest" and have difficulty being deceptive, even at the expense of hurting someone's feelings.
Becoming aware of making social errors - as children with Asperger's mature, and become aware of their inability to connect, their fear of making a social mistake, and their self-criticism when they do so, can lead to social phobia.
A sense of paranoia - because of their inability to connect, persons with Asperger's have trouble distinguishing the difference between the deliberate or accidental actions of others, which can in turn lead to a feeling of paranoia.
Managing conflict - being unable to understand other points of view can lead to inflexibility and an inability to negotiate conflict resolution. Once the conflict is resolved, remorse may not be evident.
Awareness of hurting the feelings of others - a lack of empathy often leads to unintentionally offensive or insensitive behaviors.
Repairing someone's feelings - lacking intuition about the feelings of others, people with AS have little understanding of how to console someone or how to make them feel better.
Recognizing signs of boredom - inability to understand other people's interests can lead AS persons to be inattentive to others. Conversely, people with AS often fail to notice when others are uninterested.
Introspection and self-consciousness - individuals with AS have difficulty understanding their own feelings or their impact on the feelings of other people.
Clothing and personal hygiene - people with AS tend to be less affected by peer pressure than others. As a result, they often do what is comfortable and are unconcerned about their impact on others.
Reciprocal love and grief - since people with AS have difficulty emotionally, their expressions of affection and grief are often short and weak.
Understanding of embarrassment and faux pas - although persons with AS have an intellectual understanding of embarrassment and faux pas, they are unable to grasp concepts on an emotional level.
Coping with criticism - people with AS are compelled to correct mistakes, even when they are made by someone in a position of authority, such as a teacher. For this reason, they can be unwittingly offensive.
Speed and quality of social processing - because they respond through reasoning and not intuition, AS individuals tend to process social information more slowly than the norm, leading to uncomfortable pauses or delays in response. This means that although the AS individual will tend to make a more reasoned and balanced understanding and/or decision, it can lead to the AS individual being told to use their 'common sense' to solve problems, a concept they cannot understand or use in the way a neurotypical person can.
Exhaustion - as people with AS begin to understand theory of mind, they must make a deliberate effort to process social information. This often leads to mental exhaustion.
A person with AS may have trouble understanding the emotions of other people: the messages that are conveyed by facial expression, eye contact and body language are often missed. They also might have trouble showing empathy with other people. Thus, people with AS might be seen as egotistical, selfish or uncaring.
Yup that does sound like my father.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
10:45 PM 2 comments
Gosh, I didn't think it was funny at all. What's so funny about someone getting hurt? I mean, I know that sometimes you have to laugh or you will cry, but this didn't seem to be one of those times.
1997 - In The Orange Room began as a personal web site on the free geocities. i posted personal photos, my favorite music, and reviewed concerts and CD's i owned. (which helped land me a freelance writing job at Exclaim Magazine reviewing music, movies and concerts, imagine that!)
1999 - I purchased TheDoubleXSociety.org which was to be a site for females only, a place to get together and be girlie. It died a quick death.
GatorJaw - For a time (1998-2001) I created images using the quotations I liked (pre-mac days of graphics).
2000 - I changed the name of GatorJaw to WiredSecret.com (purchased that site) and continued to upload my writing.
2000 - When I launched wiredsecret.com I decided the use a pen name, Fate Inanna Shamash, and purchased FateShamash.com (which redirected you to wiredsecret.com).
2001 - Late in the year, due to the costs involved in maintaining a site, and lack of time to maintain it, I took down the site.
*Using www.archive.org you can do a search for the old site, the results are here.
2001 - Apple provided a free @mac email and web site so I used it. In 2002 Apple discontinued the free service and I decided to not pay for it, and the site/email were deleted. I hope to create a new free site to continue the idea.
2001 - the creation of digitalEVOLUTION although the web sites for the music didn't start until later
Strata Web Site: 2001 I designed and maintained a web site for my old strata (townhouse) complex which included information and pictures. Crosswinds was the host but in late 2001 they lost the entire site. Due to lack of use I never relaunched the site.
2002 - I relaunched Wired Secret with modified content (removing the Toilet Paper Newsletter and work submitted by other authors) on a free geocities web site.
DIGITAL ARTWORK: 2002 - I launched DIG TRIP a free geocities web site. It included my digital artwork and desktop images but only in thumbnail size.
2003wiredSecret is reborn on blogspot.com in the fall, it is used for personal notes and poetry, later on it is reduced to just my poetry and i update it regularly - SO CHECK IT OUT !
2003 is the creation of 4PhatKatz for web design
2004 - the first web site for the music @ digitalEVOLUTION was launched in the winter of 2003 and you can see some of the history of the site on the web archive here
2004 THE LOVE BLOG hits the press... web archive history here it is my personal blog and i create endless template designs for it. YOU ARE READING IT NOW !
2005 4PhatKatz gets a deviantART site and a Flickr site
2005 4PhatKatz does the web site for Hit N Run Entertainment (the site has been replaced since)
2006 i finally launch THE UNITY PROJECT and to this day i am still gathering photos from around the world. and i opened a CafePress store as well to promote it.
You're fabulous B. I will take a closer look at some of those links. I think its awesome you have such history on the internet. Which is funny because a few people that I wont mention think they invented the internet, and hardly make a ripple compared. Muahs!
thanks to the lovely Astra for hanging out Friday. we went to The Media Club to see The Kitchen and Free Flow.
thanks to my love for taking me out Saturday... Winston @ Lamplighter was all right. the food at The Naam was the best.
wandering around this city really opened my mind.
i have to say this city is pretty dismal. i have often longed to move. i was born here, and growing up without the opportunity to ever travel, i haven't had the chance to see any other place, except through TV and magazines... but i can't find life here.
i am constantly reminded of how "old" i feel. i am young, damn i know it, but i'm not naive and looking just to waste my night being some body in a crowd. i have hardly ever been the type to feel connected to the crowd i could walk among. i have always felt this large disconnection.
people think that is some sort of vanity. it isn't. anyone ever close to me, that has truly known me, knows that i have that sense of disconnection to the world. i feel as if i am awake and the world is sleepwalking. and yet, i know i am not the most awake person out there.
my brother dropped of a stack of empty boxes today, with my niece. god i love them. i will begin packing tomorrow. i joked that i will be a master at moving by the time this year is up.
i'm trying to use up the food i have in the cupboards... i have a box of Falafel mix to make. 4-6 servings. who wants Falafels?
all this just keeps feeling like my needle skipping, like some lint on the record of my life, repeating the same thing over and over and over... waiting for someone to bump me on to a new section...
about a year ago on April 28th 2006 i wrote:
besides beauty is over rated. i used to think i could be that outer beautiful. i used to spend a lot of money on it. facials, tanning, make up, hair, clothing, teeth, glasses, blah blah blah, outer shell to face the world because sadly as much as everyone claims they don't judge people by how they look, they do. everyone wants a prized pig to show off at the state fair.
i notice how people look. but i refuse to make any final call on a person simply by the clothes they wear, or how the carry themselves, or the car they drive, or those little things. in the end i judge people by how they treat me.
and some how even if they treat me like dirt i always forgive. as a human being, i have bad days, i can say the wrong thing, i can appear selfish, i can be everything someone hates, in one moment, in one time, and that impression can be the only one someone has of me. if i hope that others can look beyond that, can forgive my humanity, i surely then must be able to do the same.
so i forgive. after all - yesterday is gone. last year is history. a decade ago is dust. even the moment after i post this, it is meaningless. it is every moment to come, that counts.
we can pretend and play make believe, we can masquerade our thoughts with whimsical charades, we can pretend we're in some Jane Austen novel, or cartwheel clowns in a parade... but underneath, below the surface of all that shields us from the hurt we so do not want to experience, we are fragile, we are liquid, we are human. this we can never escape.
first, thanks to the lovely Astra for the wonderful dinner on Wednesday. we did have a good time even if i was down, you both were so wonderful to listen to me bitch and complain about everything. and the pictures were hilarious.
i have been pretty down lately, rather hating my current live and work situation. i had been talking a lot with family and friends about getting a regular full time job because being at this building has sucked the life out of me. aside from living here for free, i only get $200 a month for my trouble. i have told her repeatedly this is not nearly enough for what she constantly requires of me, and suggested to her that i would do only enough work to represent her compensation. i have not been able to find regular part time work to fit around her ludicrous schedule. i had decided to look for full time work and move on. even though i was not liking the idea of having to move again, and move the kitties.
but i had decided that was my plan. then Saturday the shit hit the fan.
well long story short, Saturday she gave me 2 weeks notice that she was ending our contract. after the 2 weeks she would let me live here one month, but demand rent. naturally she knows she hasn't paid me and i can't afford to pay rent. so i am moving.
we audio recorded her crazy outburst and belittling and insulting comments. she is nuts. after her emotional yelling and irrational behavior Paul and I went for a walk to the beach. had some sushi.
after i called my family and arrangements began.
these next months will be busy and odd - but really i feel good about it all. finally i will be in control of my life.
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
7:00 PM 8 comments
actually i really feel good about the idea of moving on.
it has just been her loony insults and behavior that have been crazy. if i had nothing better to do i would sue her for wrongful dismissal as she gave no reason for her termination of my contract. i would provide her emails and verbal slander as back up. but what is the point. i just want to get away from her negativity. she has repeatedly told me she hates people, hates everyone. i don't know why i thought she would treat me any different.
its sad to see people like that in the world and ya there are alot of them. But it sounds time like she definitly isn't worth your time! Move on to bigger and better things and you will be happier. And Ron's comment...those are biiig cats!
I'm glad you've decided to get away from her negativity. Negativity can suck the life right out of you. Once you're out from under that dark cloud you can concentrate on happier, more optimistic things. It'll definitely feel mucho better ,o)
well Im glad you're happy about moving...are you coming out this way for a while? And I love that saying on the rock...Im going to steal that pic...I have a pic for you too...Ill post it later.
these are some of my favorite TV shows: Dirty Jobs is a program on the Discovery Channel in which host Mike Rowe is shown performing difficult and/or messy occupational duties alongside professional workers. Dealing with POO is a favorite topic. I adore Mike Rowe, he is so funny to me.
"I explore the country looking for people who aren't afraid to get dirty—hard-working men and women who earn an honest living doing the kinds of jobs that make civilized life possible for the rest of us."
it's a brilliant show!
Myth Busters is an American pop science television program on the Discovery Channel starring special effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, who use their skills and expertise to test the validity of various rumors and urban legends in popular culture.
Deadliest Catch is a documentary-style television series that documents the events aboard six fishing boats in the Bering Sea during the Alaskan king crab and Opilio crab fishing seasons. The series is narrated by Mike Rowe.
What Not To Wear is an American reality television show based on the format of the British version of the show. It currently airs on TLC and is hosted by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly.
hahaha yah that skirts thing didn't happen. however i did see the sexiest little black dress the other day i would have loved to take home. i need someone to nominate me for What Not To Wear... get me a whole new closet of clothing... lord knows i shouldn't be in jeans and tee-shirts and sneakers all the time. HINT HINT!
I so want to be on What Not To Wear too. We need to buy and/or wear a bunch of really bad clothing and take video footage of each other in said clothes then send it in and nominate each other. Seriously. But, do they take Canadians?...
hahaha I just came by cause I was thinking about you. I would totally call them and say MY GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A CLOSET MAKEOVER STAT And reaaaaaaallly exaggerate it, but do they come to Canada?
The only real problem I can see with "what not to wear" is that they apparantly do take everything out of your closet. And I mean everything. (i'd first have to hide some things...you know all your comfort-wear...anything that just should not be worn anymore, but it's oh so comfy)
astra - if i win the lotto - we will go on a major shopping spree... i don't know if they take Canadians. i think so, if you go to the web site there is a section for nominating people.
crystal - aww it is nice to be thought of. yes we would have to exaggerate hahaha i hardly have any clothing these days anyway, so it would be nice to have all new stuff.
Pat - it is awesome tv isn't it... i watch the Mythbusters blow up a huge bomb the other day. so cool.
Michelle - all my favorite comfy clothing is my PJs, i don't think they go through that section of your closet
Naomi - send me some skirts! haha! the roxy... oh i will post that answer on your blog. i have fun there but it is a pick up joint and geared to older people usually.
hey there's a promotion going on at discovery right now for the deadliest catch at discoverystore.com, free shipping 'til the 18th, and $10 off any DC DVDs (DC10OFF) so check it out~
Keta recently tagged me on her blog... to list my top five to 10 ultimate life's goals
i must admit this has been a stumper for me these days.
frankly in a lot of ways i feel like i have given up on dreams and goals.
it has been hard for me to see the light
back in July of 2006, i had an interesting conversation one night, with a fellow, who told me that he thought i had peaked too soon. probably right.
you see, i've been married, that didn't work. i've owned my own home, i lost that for another man. i owned my own dream car, but lost that. i ran my own business but that failed. i had a hand in making music, but that failed. i have had everything (basically) i have ever hoped for or wanted. i have tried and tried and tried again in so many departments of life... and yet here i am, a master at failure.
be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!
that rings so fucking true in my books.
i frankly feel useless and not worth much to the world right now, i feel like i have been through the ringer.
so how can i have extreme goals?
sure i'd still like to accomplish a few things i have always dreamt of, but will i? is there any point in trying at this stage? everyone says oh 34 is young, you can start all over. start all over! i know i'm not the only person in the world going through this. i know other people struggle just as much, if not worse, than i do with such things... starting over. but i suppose i am just a little bewildered right now as to what i should aim for. what kind of goals should i set for myself?
i just don't feel like i have the mental capacity to TRY
i am burnt out, mentally and emotionally
i know eventually that all this feeling will pass, and i will TRY again because i am a trooper. i has always been my never surrender attitude that has got me through all the hardships i have survived in my life as well (nearly dying, learning to walk again, constant pain, abuse, loss and mental fry-outs...) in the end no matter what the universe has flung at me, i have coped and dealt with it all, and somehow after each hurdle i have managed to come out way on top. i know this is the low spoke on the wheel...
It's my belief that history is a wheel. "Inconsistency is my very essence" -says the wheel- "Rise up on my spokes if you like, but don't complain when you are cast back down into the depths. Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away".
so here it is, my simple wishful list of my extreme goals:
1. find true love 2. live a happy fulfilled life with that love 3. travel some 4. write some 5. sing some 6. create
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
5:10 PM 2 comments
here you go, hope this makes you happy... here are the images of the last days of my life:
Friday and Saturday:
i couldn't believe the drunk girls, Liz who was celebrating her birthday and her drunk two friends... what a pick up joint that place is on Fridays. Saturday was better, and Ian and Dave and their number one fan Lynn were nice. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is very very good... for me to poop on.
Sunday Easter Family Dinner:
Sunday Paul's Birthday celebration @ Republic:
thanks to Darren Parris, Tim Fuller and Dave Bouwman - fantastic show! Paul enjoyed the tequila! and thanks to Crystal for stopping by.
and thanks to Aaron Grant, Kevin Coles and Jason Bonnell at Roxy Burger for the food.
it is something i am well aware of. money does not equal love.
i used to think it was cool to do special things for the people i cared about, because i could, because i had the money, my family had the money to give me, and i - to give to others. but i discovered long ago that friendship and love relationships can not be bought. in fact, even though that was never my intention, my intention was always just to give without wanting of anything in return, it became something that was then expected of me.
giving is only giving when it isn't expected. buying vacations, clothing, gadgets, cars etc... don't make people love you more. trust me, i have had people try to buy me, i have had people use me for money. money can't buy you love.
love isn't about things, material or un-material. i can not define love in a list. love isn't something you can control. people with money often think they can control you. but real love isn't about control. it isn't about cut flowers. it isn't about love notes. it isn't gifts.
love is knowing in your soul, that you'd do anything for the one you love, die for even, and never expecting anything in return. ultimate love is knowing the one you love, loves you like that back.
“The idea behind it was that all these material possessions are all very well, but they won’t buy me what I really want.” - Paul McCartney
(Easter dinner table from last year)
tomorrow is the big family easter dinner at the mansion. my grandmother will finally get to meet my love. she's hounded me about it for awhile now... so yes, we will stuff ourselves on Turkey and all 12 of us will raise a glass to family and love.
have a lovely easter dinner, and i really liked that post...sometimes it is good to be reminded what really matters because some days you jsut get caught up in everything...
"ove is knowing in your soul, that you'd do anything for the one you love, die for even, and never expecting anything in return. ultimate love is knowing the one you love, loves you like that back."
That is great.....so true and so warm and perfect.
Im glad to hear he is alright. It takes a while for anyone to heal, let alone an older man that might not be as physically active as he once was. Im not sure why I needed to say that. Maybe its my inlaws getting cranky cause they are getting older and cant do as much as before. Its lameO and I hope I dont have to be that way.
today i did a massive spring cleaning. i'm tired and sore. i vacuumed, swept and then mopped. i dusted. the bathroom sparkles.
i still have a lot of laundry to do. but it will wait, 4 loads was enough for today.
i packed up my sweaters, my heavy turtlenecks and pulled out my shorts. they need to be washed. i hate that stale smell clothes get when they have been sitting away somewhere too long. i sorted and rearranged my closet.
fresh sheets. fresh everything.
soon even a fresh me... looking forward to showering off the cleaning mess.
i need a hair cut.
my love will be here later, and we are off for the evening. if it is nice tomorrow we will walk from here down to the beach and sit in the sunshine. it will be the first time i have done that. i like that it will be with him. seems fitting.
i like reading a lot of blogs in one reader, currently i use Google Reader... blogs...
i want to state again, that i don't do this, this blog, for anyone but myself. it is my desire to write that has always spurred it. from the days when i had started a stupid little web site in 97... it has always been personal and not something i have gone about creating in a lame attempt at being falsely known as something or someone. whoever out there assumes that a blog will make them something special in the humanity books is fooling themselves.
no, i just do this for me. this my vent. mine. this is where if i want to i can come to cry, come to laugh, to ponder, to think, to reflect, and even to scream. this is me. not me for you, not me for anyone but me.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream. - John Lennon
anyway, i wanted to say thank you to Astra for taking me to see Blades of Glory on April 1st - for free - thanks to her work. her company did the special effects... putting the faces on the skaters etc. it was totally silly and made me laugh.
i spent a couple days painting... my ankle is sore.
looking forward to the long weekend.
Telus has offered me cheaper cable than Shaw, and is letting me have 3 months free with a preview of every channel they offer and giving me two free rentals, not charging me for the cable box and giving me a discount on my Telus bill for the 3 months... wow. they must really want to better Shaw. Shaw has given me cable internet free for a month to try out, in hopes I would switch from Telus... it is faster but given what Telus just offered me... I won't be switching, they will have to come get their modem. With Telus TV my call display for my phone will pop up on the TV haha, so I will know who is calling while I'm watching Myth Busters.
PS I am alive... what a horrible vomiting experience.
actually i saw the movie and it doesn't have much profanity in it. i was referring to the interview i posted here... they are joking around swearing a lot. and that whole thing about saying the f-word is a joke to me because i recently posted about how someone suggested i use that word too much...
last year on this day April 1st... i left my relationship (of nearly 7 years together).
i don't know i suppose i figured a year later i'd be healed. i suppose i am stupid to think that. it isn't the man either. it's the life. the life i lost. i don't know what i am supposed to do now. put the pieces together they say. they say...
but i suppose right now i feel totally uncertain what the pieces even are... so how do i puzzle them together into me... when i don't even know if i know me anymore.
you see that's what happens when you let someone tell you who you are. that isn't blame either. i let it happen. i shut down and i let myself disappear. i don't blame him for trying to make me feel like someone, someone he thought i should be or could be, or was in his mind's image of me... but it wasn't me.
i felt like a puppet almost. wear this, say that, be this, be that... i gave up. i hate admitting that but i did. i gave up. i felt i had died inside and i gave up trying to keep alive. then one day somewhere deep inside me, i heard me, i heard me crying out to myself, screaming to be heard, and i knew i had to make a change.
one year later... it's a crazy place to be. facing these demons inside me. fighting the feeling i have failed so miserably. fighting the feeling of lingering in "what ifs" that never do any good. what if i hadn't this, what if i hadn't that. but none of it matters because i am here now, still dealing with trying to reconnect with the woman inside me that screamed at me that day from inside. i feel like a giant disappointment to her.
so... after a long good cry tonight, much to my neighbors horror i am sure, just around midnight i decided to sing this song. i'm emotional, stuffy nosed from crying and funny enough my camera was blurry, sometimes the focus doesn't auto work, yet i think the fuzzy works so well, because that is how i see myself.
i see myself as someone still trying to come into focus.
This Is The Last Day of Our Acquaintance (Sinead O'Connor)
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
1:11 AM 6 comments
knowing you the way i do, i feel you are in a better place now. you didn't need someone like that in your life, controlling you in such ways. you are your own person now. you may have to re discover and there will be pain but you'll get through it. you are strong!! xo Katie
thanks everyone. i know it was the best thing to get out of that relationship. it has been a crazy year.
moving out, moving in with my dad and brother, what a challenge that was. reconnecting with family. then reconnecting with friends, meeting new friends. and falling in love most unexpectedly. and moving out and working again... that scare with my dad! it's really has been a roller coaster ride of a year.
♥ The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk ♥
A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
HOMETOWN: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
LIVING IN:
White Rock, BC
ABOUT ME: Barbara Doduk has had a web site since 1997, which included a journal. She started a web site to promote her creative writing, poetry and photography interests. Over the last 10 years the www has evolved and so has web journalling or as it is now known "blogging".
THE LOVE BLOG is her main personal journal.
WIREDSECRET is her poetry weblog.
THE UNITY PROJECT is her world wide photograph collection for unity.
After the last tree has been cut down,
after the last river has been poisoned,
after the last fish has been caught,
then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
♥THE LOVE BLOG♥ presents: ♥THE SPREADER OF LOVE♥ ♥AWARD♥
All I ask in return for presenting this award to anyone blogging out there, is that you include the following information in the blog post along with the image below:
This blog has been awarded The Spreader of Love Award created by The Love Blog, for an outstanding demonstration of blogging love.
in reply to my facebook blogpost. I LOVE YOU :oD
I only wish I could do that. But Ive had myspace since after I moved out here and the only people I have on myspace is family I keep in contact with and people I know, or would like to know.
I have been tempted to delete it.
Im drnk.
and your comment made me crack up and then say man I love that!!
As long as you stay in touch with me outside myspae Im happy :op
love you B. you;re the best