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Tuesday, December 02, 2008
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Perspective
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I love how the universe throws a lot at you at once.
Throws your mind into perspective by beating you senseless with stress.
I don't know if I have slept right in a long time.
I pass out from exhaustion. Last night while watching Coronation Street I zonked out on the sofa. Woke up and decided to do some laundry. While I was down throwing stuff in the dryer my mom called.
Her husband, a man I consider my step dad, has been ill for a while now with Pneumonia. He is a stubborn Leo, and refused to get help until it was almost too late. My mom called an ambulance yesterday. The attendant told her he left this way too long. The hospital has to force air into his lungs... he is on a respirator in ICU.
And there it was... *WHAM*
Perspective.
I am not really looking forward to Christmas. I never do, but this year has been one crazy journey for my soul.
I know a lot of people probably assume I am feeling sorry for myself lately. That my writing is a bit filled with self pity. Maybe... somewhat... that is true, lately I have been a lot hard on myself. I hold myself to some ridiculously high standards.
Maybe I am difficult to deal with because of that.
In any case, I don't normally make resolutions at year end. I constantly force change on myself as I see fit. I have no idea what to do for New Years and usually that would freak me out but somehow... I felt a shift last night.
Perspective.
How can I sit here babbling about my stress when I know damn well there is so much more important things out there going on. I suppose I am allowed to be selfish some times, and I needed this last month to adjust to the changes in my world. Not to say I am fully okay, I am not, I still know how I feel. Point is, it isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. I can't continue to let the demon in me drag me down, and I can not be my own worst enemy.
We all pick the lives we lead.
I do not want to pick sorrow, I do not want to pick heart ache and despair. Oh I had to go through those phases. Sure. I can accept that, but I can't accept stalling out and staying in that head space.
Last night before mom called, I watched Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and the protector Terminator Cameron Phillips was busy doing her work. This dude asked her how come she always has cuts, and she said she gets into fights protecting her brother - she poses as John Connor's brother. So the dude asks, but who protects you. Cameron tells him, she protects herself.
That hit me.
Sometimes I feel like that.
I feel like I am busy protecting the world around me, and no one has my back but me. I always have this odd yet comfortable sense of being alone. Don't get me wrong, it is lonely, but since I can remember, letting people close to me, usually resulted in me ending up hurt. I suppose somewhere along the line, I decided it was better to keep everyone out.
I know I am really open in this blog, and in person. I share a lot of personal things, that most people find astounding that I do. However, I suppose it is my odd mechanism of keeping people at bay. I expose the things most people would find to be their weaknesses. However, to me, that is merely the outer shell. I don't think most people really know me. They know what I experience, but they don't know me.
The devil is in the details.
Perspective.
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pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
12:22 PM
 
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I can relate to a lot of what you say. I don't think you are self-pitying - you are just thinking out loud. Trying to sort things out - make sense of what's happened and how you feel so you can deal and move on. You may be introspective but not narcissistic. Just because there may be bigger things of concern going on elsewhere doesn't mean you have to be stoic and suffer in silence.
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Jeannie is bang on. Take it easy sweets.
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hugs hugs hugs times one billion trillion xo katie
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Yeah, But you are not made of futuristic metal alloys capable of taking and giving utmost punishment. Also, you are not programmed to give a toss... So.. I disagree with your comparison to being the terminator chick. Nobody protects her because she can kick everyone's ass.. not you.
blablabla
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Paul,
I don't go around kicking ass, nor do I feel like an unfeeling machine.
If you note, I wrote about that one line she said, how made me think of me. How I feel I have always been on my own.
Sure I have friends and family, and they are wonderful to lean on in times when I need that, but even in those moments, I don't think anyone has ever truly understood me. Mentally I am the only one who can protect me.
I think that is true of all people. No one can ever live inside your head and "know" that true you.
PS, I didn't post your other comment about suicide because I thought it was not appropriate. I don't post every comment that is left on here, and yes, I have that option.
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you're absolutely right...i always felt like im the one covering my own back. Probly because there isn't anyone i know that could do it better.
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The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk
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A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
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I can relate to a lot of what you say. I don't think you are self-pitying - you are just thinking out loud. Trying to sort things out - make sense of what's happened and how you feel so you can deal and move on. You may be introspective but not narcissistic. Just because there may be bigger things of concern going on elsewhere doesn't mean you have to be stoic and suffer in silence.