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Sunday, October 25, 2009
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Birth of a Baby, Death of a Blog
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I have been very busy, and it is only going to get busier for me.
Preparing for the arrival of my daughter Lydia Jane is my number one priority right now.
While at work I might snatch a few moments to clear my head of work, and post a bit on Facebook but otherwise, I don't find much time online. Most evenings I'm too busy, some nights I don't even get online at home, or if I do it is right before bed time just to check email or messages.
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My blogging anniversary is coming up next month, and basically it will have been 12 years now that I've ran a web site and kept a journal online. I've stopped and started I don't know how many times. All for various reasons, burnout, wanting privacy, being bothered by trolls, you name it. Earlier this year, I was pretty much winding up this blog, and had stopped personal blogging. Then I got pregnant and wanted to share my new experiences and started trying to keep updates. However, I know and I have always known that for me, this "blog" diary writing is merely a hobby.
[Edit: Here is a link to my web history, showing what I've been up to for those 12 years: http://barbaradoduk.com/?page_id=9]
I've enjoyed the many people I've met because of being online, and generally over all I would say over the last 12 years, most of my experiences have been very positive. The few negative incidents, a few bad apples, over the years have been annoying, but in the end, have taught me the true nature of some beasts.
But people are people. Me included.
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I've had occasion to mouth off my opinion or view, as I should be allowed to do, and that has not always gone over to well. Which is fine, we all can't agree and be exactly the same, diversity makes life more exciting. I don't always agree with other people's opinions either. Be it a disagreement over the validity of a web site like Facebook, or the cheese factor of a band, or the personal experiences that shape my opinions vs yours. Some times we all just have to agree to disagree.
But like I said, those times have been few and far between. My hot-head has learned to self-cool. Not much really gets under my skin now. I don't have time to waste on being sucked into useless drama. In relation to random strangers in netland or people in my real world. In a world of 7 billion people, I am just one, as are you, as are we all. In netland, we all are just 1's and 0's floating around. I learned to not take it all too seriously.
Knowing now that once my baby is born, (for a number of reasons) the blog content here at The Love Blog will probably grind to a near halt, is actually a wonderful feeling. I thought it would be a sorrowful thing, but I'm feeling... old. LOL I don't like that word because people usually thing it is negative to be "old", but I feel like I've "outgrown" this... whatever it is. Being "old" to me is a damn fine thing. I am mature, above childishness, priorities are more family, more real world and less party and frivolous "young" minded crap. I am still a kid at heart, sure, but not some hot-headed 20-year old running around in a world of drama... and thank god I am "old" if it means I am not bothered by those immature things.
My life has cycled through some pretty interesting phases. I am comfortable admitting these last 3 years were a sort of regression back to "party" fun time, after oh so many years of serious isolation, I suppose I needed it. I needed to get those last fleeting hurrahs out of my system. I knew at the end of 2008 I was heading back to the "old" me. I was back into the head space I was in when I got divorced in 1998. Back to being responsible, old, mature, reliable, practical, real and 100% me.
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I wish I still owned my townhouse, but I know I will one day get back to owning a place of my own one day. I know I'll get a nicer car one day. I know my life will be good, it all ready is, and I've built back up a lot of what I lost. I have also gained a lot of things I didn't have, like amazing friends and a renewed closeness with my family. Yup, I'm right where I want to be, and this blessing of a daughter on top of it all is such beyond anything I could have hoped for.
My time will be stretched when my daughter Lydia arrives. I will be overwhelmed with learning how to be a mom, on top of being single, and working and just living. I don't suspect it will leave a lot of room for sitting at the computer composing these types of thoughts.
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Besides, I really was done blogging anyway, wasn't I?
Should I stop Blogging? is a nice list of valid questions any blogger should ask themselves when they are faced with the a decision.
Most importantly to me, Am I getting personal satisfaction from posting? The reason I have always slowed down, or stopped, writing this blog - have been because the answer to this was simply - no. I often wasn't getting satisfaction from it.
Secondly, my goal was to blog for me, and meet new people online. I think I've done that. Exhausted that.
And finally, I just will NOT have time.
With the birth of my baby girl, my blogging days will end. Sure I might pop online here or there after her birth, but sitting around typing out posts just won't be any kind of priority to me.
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Also, I started my first web site in 1997 with the intent of sharing my creative writing.
In 1997 I had just wrapped up a creative writing course as an extra activity to get me inspired. I was meeting monthly with a group of other inspired fledgling writers, and the internet was a new avenue. It was not what it is now, that's for sure. I always included a journal as part of the site, and as the years flew by, the creative stories fell to the sidelines, and disappeared as personal "blogging" took over. Socializing online became a huge part of the deal, and I have reflected a lot on that in the last years. I miss being creative.
Knowing that prior to becoming pregnant I was on my path to jump starting my creative juices again by promising myself to paint again (I haven't painted since 2002 or 2003) but expenses had to go into more practical things. Motherhood will surely suck up most of my time and money, and believe me I am so excited for every up and down of it. I can't wait to experience the joy of watching my daughter grow, of teaching her, and guiding her, and playing with her. Every time I think of all the holidays and joys I have to experience now for the next years of my life, my heart expands.
My mother always went all out on holidays. We had pumpkin carving contests, we always dressed up for Halloween, and shared the fun and frolic. Christmas we'd try to out do one another on wrapping gifts and making everything sparkle. No holiday was without LOVE and care put into it. My mom made everything special. I cherish those memories, and frankly that was a big reason why to this day my mother is my very best friend in the whole world. I will do the same, I will make everything as special as I can. I want to give my daughter those memories, I want to give her that love.
At the same time, I want to make sure I finally feel complete. Which means finally getting back to being creative. No more wasting time, no more distractions, no more excuses. I will paint. I will write. I will be the best role model for my daughter that I can be. That is my priority.
She will be my #1 priority - and to be the best I can be for her - I know I have to be the best I can be - for me.
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Incidentally today is my 17th Accidental Birthday... I used to celebrate this day. I nearly died (frankly did die) on this day in 1992 in a head-on car accident. Thinking about it, I feel even more certain, that that was my wake up call. I was lost at 19, and fumbling aimlessly, really just hurting myself. That accident drastically changed the course of my life.
I have struggled HARD these last 17 years to find me. To finally love myself. I think I have found myself. Sure of it, I have never felt so grounded, so certain, so at peace.
At the beginning of this year, I knew I had reached that tipping point. I proclaimed - this was my year. I devoted myself to a cause near and dear to my heart (RAPS) and to developing real relationships with everyone important to me, friends and family alike. I focused on being "old", "grown up", "mature" whatever you want to label it... "adult". I threw aside the frivolous meaningless things that wasted my time and energy. I changed the negatives to positives. I filled my life with joy, happiness and love... and in return, I was given this gift... this blessing of joy. This life in my belly, my daughter, my Lydia Jane.
It was another totally unplanned for "accident" that changed the course of my life. Changed it perfectly. And with perfect timing. I knew who I wanted to be, and the universe, gave me this little girl, this pure LOVE... because it was time. I am ready. I am no longer lost. With her - I am finally completely found.
I'm a big kid at heart, and I know I will love every moment of motherhood. I have no time for that life that I willingly left behind last year. The universe knew that that was "caterpillar me"... and this... this is "butterfly me".
Watch my wings unfold. Watch me dance in the sky.
We say hello - to life.
I say goodbye - the past strife.
All I need is this LOVE.
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 Labels: Motherhood |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
2:22 AM
 
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12 years wow! Your time has come, and who knows maybe you'll want to do it again, that's the great thing about the internet: it feels like it's going a mile a minute but you can easily catch up on it. Prime example is Facebook.
I wish you all the best with your family, thanks for the years of great blogging!
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Yup, 12 years. I should have added this link to my web history - to show what I've been doing...
http://barbaradoduk.com/?page_id=9
I will try to keep this up until baby Lydia comes along, but I am pretty sure my time will spent doing baby stuff closer to her arrive, and more certainly after.
I hope I can get back to the creative writing.
Cheers
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Good luck in everything you do, Barb!
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Thank you Raul. Like I said I will attempt to post stuff up until Lydia arrives, but I might slow down some. I have a lot of Audio Addict topics pre-done, and I want to continue to promote RAPS... so I will try to.
Cheers!
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I wish you a wonderful time with your little sunshine Lydia, enjoy every single moment with her, because time will be running fast, time will be flying with her. I had two kids as my own :)
Good luck Barbara, it was a wonderful time to read your blog! It feels like I know you :)
Susanne
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You are very right, it will be difficult to keep up with it, especially given that you are a single mom. 12 years is a good run and while I've only been reading for a short time, it's been great!
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The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk
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A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
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12 years wow! Your time has come, and who knows maybe you'll want to do it again, that's the great thing about the internet: it feels like it's going a mile a minute but you can easily catch up on it. Prime example is Facebook.
I wish you all the best with your family, thanks for the years of great blogging!