I think we've all been sick in our lives. Cold and flu days are just unavoidable. I'm sick. I have a nasty cold. Since Monday. No fever, no flu. Just a nasty head cold, which has worn me out.

It is so sexy when your nose is runny... oh baby! LOL


[My cat Maggie, loves to lap cuddle, and has taken to using my baby belly as a pillow. I think my daughter likes the purr noises because she kicks a lot when Maggie is purring in these positions. Finally got a shot of it to show you.]

As an adult, I have got a little stubborn, and insist on being independent, even when sick. However I do recall some fond memories of being sick and pampered... loved.

Every relationship, every man experienced sick me. It is one of the few times I like to be babied and pampered.

My ex husband pampered me. He was a romantic man though, so no surprise. Did I ever tell you how he proposed? We randomly looked at rings together, but he decided which one to get, and took it to my mom to make sure she would approve. Then he went to my dad and asked my dad for my hand in marriage. My dad loved that I tell ya. (So did I when I found out.) In fact, my dad helped in the whole proposal. My dad took me shopping and bought me a vacuum cleaner at Sears, it wasn't unusual, we'd discussed getting one. But when we got back, my ex-husband had made me a special dinner, set a candle lit dinner, with roses. He did get down on one knee and ask me to marry him, ring in hand. How could I say no? Shame that I was too young (just 22) and didn't know who I was. It was probably one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me. Naturally when I was sick, my he babied me.

All of my long term relationships have those memories. K was actually a very good person for taking care of me. I know I don't often talk about it, but I would not have stayed with someone nearly 7 years if there was nothing good about it. He always watched out for me. From making sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk to avoid being hit by cars, to making sure I was taken good care of when I was sick. He would go out at any hour to get juice or whatever would make me feel better, and make sure I took my juice and cold remedies. He cooked for me, he really tried. It was all the other insane things that I couldn't live with, but I know he truly was in love with me and that was why it was so hard to leave.

Looking back on my last relationship, I don't think my ex "the sperm donor" ever looked after me. I remember suffering a terrible migraine, and going to dinner at his parents place. They were temporarily staying in a trailer until they moved to their newly built home. It was hot and stuffy in there which didn't help. When I get migraines I can get sick to my stomach, from the dizzy feeling. Which happened that night, and they were teasing me saying I was pregnant, which I wasn't. He was pissed off at me for feeling sick. We left early and he was silent the whole long car ride home. He wanted to go see a cover band at the Foggy Dew, and I was in no condition to go, which made him even more annoyed at me. Like I purposely decided to have a migraine just to piss him off. He took me home, he was in a miserable mood, so I said I just needed to lay down in the dark and I would be fine. I said, if he really wanted to, he could go out without me. He went out! That was pretty much how he was. Totally selfish. I don't think he ever did anything for me. He certainly never gave a me gift or did anything romantic for me. Not one damn thing. Ever.

K knew I didn't like the idea of cut flowers, but he would still surprise me with them, or little presents. Come home with a sweet treat, or something he saw that made him think of me (sure he bought it with my money but hey, he was thinking of me). Heck FA even walked 40 blocks in a snow storm just to be with me on Valentine's Day. FA gave me presents and gifts, and flowers. Sure he cheated on me for 9 months, but he was romantic. My ex-husband was no stranger to gifts and surprises to show he loved me. But not the "sperm donor". He never gave me a thing. Never even a card or note, not one damn thing. He was not romantic at all. He certainly never cared for me when I was sick, that's for sure.



My friends ask me "what if" all the time about the future and the "father". I don't know the answers to things that haven't happened... hard to say what you will do in some unknown future. I will say this though...

You know, the "sperm donor" and I last spoke over 2 months ago (I had to take steps to insure him and his family could never contact me) and thankfully "sperm donor" has left me alone. It's been amazingly peaceful without the stress of his bullshit in my life these last 2+ months. I hope to GOD he never contacts me ever again.

The man I love, the man I fell in love with between 2006 and 2007 clearly was not the same man I lived with and had the misfortune of dealing with from 2008 up to 2 months ago. I don't know what happened to the man I fell for, or if he was even real, but I know he is gone.

I will eventually get over it.

I still don't know what I will one day tell my daughter about it either... I have time to figure it out.

I just know, we are better off without that man and his many problems. I know a child deserves a "father" but not one who will never really be there, not one that will cherish drinking more than spending time with her, not one that wants unattainable fame more than true family, and certainly not one that is verbally abusive toward me.

I am fairly sure that once I have my daughter, and have time to settle into being a mommy, I will finally be able to find my love. Probably when I am busy being a mommy, and not caring about it. Yet I know, now, what I will NEVER tolerate in my life, and what I will NEVER SETTLE for. I was so willing to accept crap before, but now that I am going to be a mom, there is no way, no how. My daughter is #1. I have reset the bar beyond high for us, and although it may make it harder to finally find MY Mr. Right, I know now that when I do find him, it will be the best for US - not just me.

I don't know why my mind wandered all over there... I'm fuzzy headed from this cold.

My mom was always such a loving mom, I hope I have her heart. When I was sick as a child or teen, she always went out of her way to baby me. To make sure I was getting enough juice and rest. Talking to her yesterday afternoon, I could even hear it in her voice, still the "mommy" to me even though I'm 36, I'll always be her baby. Add in the fact I am nearly 6 months pregnant now with my own daughter, and her care and concern is real. Always has been. My family has always been so important to me, which is why I am so happy we have all come into this phase of ours lives, together.

I will admit, being sick while pregnant freaks me out, but I am trying to turn off that part of my thoughts. It is just a cold. No fever, no flu.

I'm too exhausted from being sick all week now, to even consider going to the RAPS cat sanctuary tomorrow. I had to cancel plans all week with friends, so feeling GUILTY for it all, but I HAVE to rest and get well.

I have my next check up at the Maternity clinic next week, and blood-work and tests. Rest is the only thing I need. That and a lovely long weekend of family and friends and gobble gobble turkey. By the time this posts, I should be asleep. I wonder what weird dreams I'll have tonight. Sleep well blogland.

Labels: Motherhood