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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
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11:11 = 12 Years
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Today is my Blog Anniversary. 12 years ago I started a web site. I was separated, heading for divorce, had just moved into a townhouse that I bought, living all alone with 4 fat cats. I was creative writing and wanted to make a web site to showcase my creative side.
12 years later... and my oh my what a journey. What stories I lived... What memories haunt me... I still see 11:11 everywhere. I know those angels are still with me - watching over me. I know I am blessed with this child, this gift of life that I thought I could never have.
I had my Maternity Clinic check up today. Pee in a cup, weigh myself... wait. Blood pressure, measure the tummy, listen to the heart beat... see you in 2 weeks.
I am not feeling super today. After the check up I came home and ate a peanut butter sandwich, and snuggled up with the cats and fell asleep for a few hours. I guess the pressure of the baby and the massive fibroid on the top of my uterus are pushing on my stomach and causing bad heart burn these last weeks. I feel yucky.
I think having a big cry and getting all emotional Tuesday night didn't help. Emotionally I am feeling in a funk now.
I keep a lot of what I am processing all in my head, and dang it when friends get me to open up. It drained me. I know people understand what I am feeling and it is all normal, but still... I don't talk much about the nights I cry myself to sleep alone. I make sure I put on the happy face, because I am truly happy and no one needs to know all the heart breaking pain I am suffering inside alone. It is my burden, mine alone, and my cross to bare.
Don't get me wrong, I am so excited that it is only 60 days or less until Lydia Jane arrives in my life and I get to hold her and love her, but there are so many other emotional things that her arrival is also triggering in me. Stuff I didn't count on feeling and dealing with. Stuff I don't want to get into here, but that is mentally wearing on me as the time draws closer to her arrival.
Add all the other things that my family are going through into the mix, things which I don't talk about here either, and there is a lot of emotional garbage floating around.
I just try to focus on the positive, and on the things I can deal with. I can't fix the problems. I can't make people be things they aren't. All I can do is focus on the happy bits as best I can. My baby shower is coming up on the 21st. My dad and I are going car seat shopping this weekend.
However, my car is still squealing, and I'm fed up with it but I just don't have the time to deal with it, or to think about getting a "mommy car". As much as everyone is here for me... I have been feeling overwhelmingly alone these last few weeks. Being sick sure didn't help. This lingering sniffle and cough, are wearing my nerves.
I am just plainly and simply - totally tired right now.
 Labels: Motherhood |
pre-written & posted by Barbara Doduk & scheduled to publish @
11:11 PM
 
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Well Congrats on your blogging anniversary and all of the adventures you have experienced over the years.
Congrats as well with the upcoming birth of your daughter..you look great in your photos...being prego can play such havoc with our emotions and the to be sick on top of that is just darn yucky.
I wish you a speedy recovery from this damn flu..and that things continue to go smoothly for you...well as smoothly as they can anyhow.....
cheers...
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♥
The Love Blog by Vancouver Blogger Barbara Doduk
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A personal view of the world from a hopeful human being longing for a world of love, for an earth called Unity. Barbara Doduk was born in and resides in Vancouver British Columbia Canada and writes about her life, her city and her views on the world.
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♥THE LOVE BLOG♥
presents:
♥THE SPREADER OF LOVE♥
♥AWARD♥ |
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Well Congrats on your blogging anniversary and all of the adventures you have experienced over the years.
Congrats as well with the upcoming birth of your daughter..you look great in your photos...being prego can play such havoc with our emotions and the to be sick on top of that is just darn yucky.
I wish you a speedy recovery from this damn flu..and that things continue to go smoothly for you...well as smoothly as they can anyhow.....
cheers...